Pregnant and Severe Anxiety/OCD - Please Comment

[Louise990]

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and suffer with very severe anxiety/OCD.

Initially I was under midwifery-led care but my community midwife thought it would be wise to refer me to a consultant to discuss how bad I'd been feeling recently. I had my first appointment with a consultant 3 weeks ago and I was referred to CBT. The consultant scheduled an appointment for a review/check-up to see how I was coping which I attended last Thursday (3 weeks later).

I had been to my first CBT session the day before which made me feel more positive about things so I was looking forward to seeing the consultant to explain that things were improving, as well as getting me and the baby checked over as my next midwife appointment was 2 weeks away.

I arrived at the hospital and had my blood pressure taken as well as other checks whilst I waited to see the doctor. Shortly after I was called and seen by a different consultant to last time and she had a student doctor with her too. We discussed my anxiety and how I was feeling and I told her that things seemed to be getting better and everything was perfectly with the baby.

She then wanted to check me over as I expected her to but asked if the student doctor could do it - I refused because I thought it would trigger my anxiety and I'd only just started to feel better. Instead she did it but talked through what she was doing so that he could observe/listen which was fine by me.

The doctor had a good feel around my tummy and checked the position of the baby before measuring my bump and listening to the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. At first she said the heart was a bit fast but it was because the baby was wriggling away from her so much (she doesn't like being disturbed!). She measured my bump again and then checked the heart which was then as it should be thankfully.

She basically did what my MW usually does at my usual antenatal appointments but she was a bit more thorough and heavy-handed than what I'm used to. It didn't bother me at the time because it just felt a little uncomfortable more than anything - it never feels nice when my MW does it but I'm much more relaxed with her.

However, it's been 4 days now and I'm still feeling "bruised" where she pressed on my pubic bone when measuring my bump. Again, this is usually painful when my MW does it but she seemed to press on harder than usual.

I came out of the appointment feeling absolutely fine but now I'm so anxious and worrying that she's caused damage to me and the baby. I feel like I'm back to square one with my anxiety and I'm in such a mess. I regret going to the appointment and wish I'd just stayed at home.

I can't cope with the way I'm feeling and I feel like I've just ruined the progress I was making by going to the hospital again. I've convinced myself that she's hurt my baby and that I'm the worst mum in the world for letting her check me over.

I'm sorry for the long post but I'm really desperate for help and I'm not seeing my therapist for another couple of days.

Thank you for reading.

pubic bone, yes? so not baby, baby is nice and snuggly behind pubic bone being kept safe by your body (which is amazing and best safe place in the world)
I'm so sorry to hear that they've freaked you out, a consultant was heavy handed with me and my baby bump, then when baby curled up small (duh) he said baby was measuring small and bullied me into a scan!

Do you not have someone to come to appointments with you? sounds like a doula might be a great help to you if you can get one, help you stay calm and feel safe

(and if you don't mind, also, Hugs to you. you're doing a hard job fabulously well)

Thanks so much for replying. Yes the pain is on my pubic bone where she pressed when measuring bump. I just called my maternity unit and asked if I should be worried and they said it was normal at my gestation as everything is sensitive in that area. I think the fact that she did it twice might be the reason it feels sore.

All I care about is that the baby is completely safe and hasn't been hurt when she was prodding and poking around. I know babies are well protected but my irrational mind tries to tell me otherwise!

I panic so much and even went on to analyse whether she was qualified enough to be doing what she did. The midwife said that if I went into labour today and needed a C-section then this particular doc would be the one performing it - I feel reassured that she knows what she's doing now lol.

My partner would have normally come to the appt with me but had to work. Because it was just a check-up I never anticipated that it would cause so much anxiety (if I wasn't still experiencing the pain then I doubt I would have given it a second thought).

Thanks for your kind words

Thank you I think I'm obsessing so much that half of the pain/discomfort I'm feeling is in my imagination. Who knows.

OP, I really sympathise with your worries. You've had reassurance from people who know what they're talking about regarding this particular worry. Remember too that when you focus on a particular area of your body you can become hypersensitive to any sensation there, so whatever pain is caused by the bruising will probably feel worse due to your worries about it.

Can we just do a little re-phrase of this-

'I can't cope with the way I'm feeling and I feel like I've just ruined the progress I was making by going to the hospital again. I've convinced myself that she's hurt my baby and that I'm the worst mum in the world for letting her check me over.'

How about, 'Feeling this anxious is really hard, but I know that anxiety can't harm me and I can cope with this. I'm doing really well going to CBT and feeling a sense of progress, in reality one blip isn't going to change that. The OCD makes me feel that she has hurt my baby, but really I know she hasn't. Anyway, I had to go for the check up - that was the right thing to do, anyone would have done that, and it would be a bad mother who would refuse the medical care. Nothing that happened during the exam would have been my fault. I'm really glad I went to the hospital and got through that, I deserve and because I'm fab. I'm having the medical checks I need, and I'm working on my anxiety too. My baby is going to one lucky, loved little person.'

It is weird doing CBT type re-phrases and challenging your thoughts, isn't it - so easy for me to try with yours but if it's my own I struggle to feel that the alternative, positive version is real. It is though. Hope you don't mind me doing that.

Thank you temporaryusername.

I think I have become hypersensitive to that particular area now when in reality it's just feeling a little sore from where she pressed on. At the time when she was doing it I noticed that it wasn't exactly in the middle where she had originally measured from but slightly to the left but I didn't say anything as I assumed she knew best being the doctor. I don't know whether this might be why it feels a bit more tender.

Rephrasing things does help but as you say, it's difficult to do it for yourself. I know going to the hospital wasn't the wrong thing to do and I was just trying to be the best I can be for my baby. If I could stop thinking about the pain then I'm sure I could get over this but while it hurts it's just a reminder of that day.

I just want to be happy and excited for my baby but instead I feel like a huge failure.

You're not a failure. Remember that it isn't your fault you developed anxiety or OCD. Part of the reason your worries take the form they do is because you care so much about your baby. I know that is obvious, but you shouldn't beat yourself up. Self-criticism only makes anxiety worse (so I'm told!).

I know it is hard but don't try to stop thinking about the pain. That will probably make you think about it more. Just accept that this worry may stay around for a bit, probably not much longer though I hope.

It is good you felt better after your CBT session, was it the first time with that therapist?

Yeah it was my first time seeing her. I have another appt with her on Wednesday so I really hope that she can help me put this into perspective.

I don't understand why I felt so positive and happy after the appt and then over the past 2-3 days I've turned into an anxious wreck analysing every single detail of what happened. Most people would not have given it a second thought but it's just consuming all of me.

I love my baby so much but I just feel like I don't deserve her when I keep making mistakes like this. I think carefully about my actions and the effect they might have afterwards just so I don't mess up but I really didn't see this one coming whatsoever.

I can't even go in her nursery because I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. I only have a few weeks to sort myself out before she arrives and the pressure is terrifying when I feel like this.

You absolutely deserve your baby. Who deserves her if not you, who loves her so much? It will all work out, it really will. You probably won't make a total turnaround with the anxiety in a few weeks, but you can improve. Are you on any meds for this, you could talk to the doctor about that?

As you may have guessed I have my own OCD struggles, and I'm just starting to get my head around the fact that we feel like we have made mistakes, even though we tried so hard to avoid them, because we set ourselves such unattainable standards. The harder we are trying, the more impossible the goals are, so the more we'll be disappointed and frightened. All that thinking in advance reinforces the idea that there is a huge threat, and it is on you to prevent it - when in fact you don't need to do anything more than other people. Understanding that doesn't take away the fear, I know.

I think you and the therapist maybe can work on a plan for the next few weeks, you might feel better with some kind of plan in place. Talk to her about it, but I think you should try to spend time in the nursery. You will be able to feel peace and comfort in there.

I have to go in a bit but I'll be here for a bit. I just wondered - when you talk about this mistake you've just made - do you mean having the examination, or obsessing about it afterwards?

Thank you for your kind words. I really hope you're right when you say it will all work out, at the moment I've lost all hope. I'm not currently taking medication as I wanted to stay off them whilst pregnant. It's only since I reached 3rd trimester that I've really started to struggle to be honest.

When I say mistake I mean my decision to go to the hospital. At the time I thought it would be a good thing to update them that I was feeling more positive and I wanted to have a check-up on me and the baby as I'm not seeing my MW for another fortnight. I just didn't realise that it would end up like this.

I did guess that you suffer with OCD too - only people who have experienced it before can understand how others are feeling. How are you coping? Can I ask what kind of things you obsess over?

Hopefully my therapist can help me. I just want to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and look forward to my baby.

Yes, I can understand about wanting to stay off them during pregnancy. Depending on how the therapy goes, it might be worth talking to the doctor about what you can take when if you decide to. Always best to keep an eye on post natal mental health, and make sure all the medical people/support people are aware. I don't know what they'll suggest if you do decide to take something but let me put my bets down now on Sertraline! With such a major life change it is hard to say if your anxiety will improve or worsen, but they may have some ideas on that. Did you have any symptoms before the pregnancy? It is good that you have not been struggling so much the whole time - that bodes well.

I think the decision to go to the hospital was the right one, even though I'm so sorry for the trauma it has caused you. I've done positive things too, which have then backfired in terms of extra worry afterwards, it is a difficult balance to strike. The main negative from the hospital visit was the anxiety, which was probably a result of the pre-existing condition not the visit. ERP (which your therapy might include) means a whole lot of deliberate 'mistakes', and the worry afterwards (but without rituals or reassurance) is part of the treatment help!!.

Think of it this way - would ocd have preferred you not to go to the hospital and get checked out? The ocd may seem to be about protecting your baby and your health, but it doesn't have either of your best interests at heart. You were brave and went, now it will try to punish you with worry so you won't do it again. Don't listen!

I have had ocd for a long time, but only had a few very bad flares of it, although they were quite long lasting. This time around I'm finally getting to doing CBT and ERP, but also only just starting really. My obsessions really change - a lot was/is internal thoughts and neutralising them, combined with movements/sensations. Based on trying to prevent harm to people or other catastrophes. Also contamination ocd. I think there are strands of a few types in there, but it can change up on you when you don't expect it.

Sorry for long post!

Don't apologise for the long post, I would write forever if it wasn't the fact that I'd probably bore you to tears!

My therapist has already mentioned putting a plan in place for leading up to birth and also afterwards when the baby is born so at least they're aware of the risk and I won't just be struggling on my own.

I've always been quite anxious but I'd say the anxiety/OCD worsened when my mum passed away 18 months ago. I'm not sure what changed in these last few weeks but I'm certainly not coping as well as I was.

I literally couldn't see any flaws in my decision to go for the check-up that day and I only started doubting it later on in the evening. The anxiety came on very mild and then the next day it was in full swing making me feel absolutely awful. It started with me being anxious that she'd been too heavy-handed when she was feeling around my bump (it wasn't too rough or I would have stopped her), to not trusting that she was a qualified doctor able to do such a thing (even though she was training a student doctor therefore obviously competent), to thinking that she'd crushed baby's head with her hands (impossible) and now to thinking that she's damaged my pubic bone (I think a lot of the pain I'm feeling is phantom pain!).

The OCD would have preferred it if I hadn't gone to the hospital I'm sure and I was so proud of myself for going and not feeling anxious whilst I was there. The only anxiety I felt was when she asked whether the student could check my bump and I refused but that was short-lived as she did it instead.

Is the CBT and ERP helping you? I've never heard of ERP actually but I'm sure I'll probably become aware of it during my sessions. I think OCD always comes with many strands and it depends on what's happening in your life as to which one comes out to haunt you at that particular time.

Thank you for replying to me by the way, I really appreciate it.

Hi Louise 1990

I have had quite a long history with mental illness. Mine comes in the delightful form of profound depression as generalised anxiety/panic disorder.

The reason I felt the need to respond to you was that I noticed another Mumsnetter has flagged up the potential for post natal depression. This is when my troubles began as I wasn't properly monitored and I also had no friends or family nearby to lean on. It was also a very bad winter when I had little one so I couldn't get out much as I didn't trust myself with the pram or car- see the anxiety creeping in there?

I have been under the care of a consultant psychiatrist for 5 years now. At first I felt ashamed that i needed this and really put myself down - I must be rubbish, can't believe I'm doing this to myself etc.

What I have learned is that however it manifests for you, this is an illness causing your thought and behaviour patterns, not you. It's not something you are choosing.

That doesn't mean you can abdicate responsibility, you should get more help than you are IMO but it does mean you should lighten up on yourself a bit. Hard as it is, try to relax with CDs or Apps or whatever as the calmer you are, the calmer baby will be. Meditainment do some good guided visualisation CDs.

All the best

Jane G Keeps Me Sane

Jane, you are spot on with that point about it being caused by an illness, but you can't abdicate responsibility. You can fight for recovery, it just isn't your fault that you have to do that.

Louise, I am really pleased that your therapist is onto things re having a plan for after the birth, that is really important.

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your mum. I'm sure that has contributed to your anxiety, especially now you are having a baby it must be very difficult

It sounds like maybe quite a lot of your anxiety is health anxiety, that should be something the therapist can help you with.

It is my pleasure to reply, it helps me to talk to others about this too.

I am sitting in the dark with a candle for the lights out WW1 event, in memory of my great uncle especially, who lost his life in that war. So I had better go, but I'll be back. I almost typed, 'I'll be back no doubt' then, but 'no doubt' is a phrase the ocd doesn't want to use, it has pointed out that many dire things could prevent my return! (This candlelight seems a bit risky). Touchwood you'll be back, it says!

Hope you have a restful night.