ive tried, really tried to think better, act happier, but thats all it is. AN ACT!!! ive never been happy, even as a child I was telling my mum my head don't feel right, preferred my own company, found it hard to be part of that big socialising world!
ive just spent yet another day sat in with the kids, they don't deserve this, yes I can go park, go picnic, go bug catching. but I CANT, cant get off my depressed arse and be a decent mum to them. my tolerance to their mess and noise is non- existent, im stressed, I cry lots.
ive seen gp, got counsellor and psychiatrist, on anti-depressants - 3rd type. just seem like im unfixable, like I was destined for this all my life!
sorry if im wallowing in self pity, I know im my own worst enemy, too hard on myself etc - but should be with the life I give my kids. I have no one and im really struggling to cope with everything. I keep telling he health care but all I get back is ''im a good mum, I beat myself up too much, here have some anti-d's....'' 
im only typing this cos some one with the this illness might just understand what im going through and not just tell me to lighten up on myself.
im at breaking point, im ready to exit earth right now. just don't feel part of it. ive tried so long, ive damaged so many people along the way.