And it was an awful day. Trying to stop her leaving the house as she wanted to end it, calls to family nhs 24, crisis team, taking her to A&E. Being fobbed off by doctors.
Then on 4th august she did it.
And I have never been the same since.
I wonder if I'll ever be the same. Developed anxiety 1.5years later but it took a while to recognise it for what it was. Saw a counsellor. It was helpful to offload to a stranger about all the feelings I had been bottling up.
I went to me GP last week to ask for a referral for CBT as in fixated with the fear that it's maybe in my destiny to do the same thing. I hear trigger words every day which set off a chain of events in my head. No one would know, as I'll appear to be listening to a conversation but in actual fact, I'm reliving how things unfolded on the day it happened, wondering how I would do it, raging inwardly wondering how people who know why happened can say such insensitive things in my company etc.
The rage is ridiculous. My DH gets the brunt of it. I fly off the handle at the smallest thing, my heart rate speeds up a lot and I feel like I could explode at anytime.
I am exhausted. Sometimes I just want to go away and hide. But with an 18year old and a 2year old, that's not an option. It wouldn't be an option anyway. I need to appear strong for the rest of the family, but I'm crumbling inside.
Not really sure why I'm posting tbh. Just had another argument with DH and I said some hurtful stuff. I said sorry but I can't go on like this. I have become a shadow of my former happy confident self, and feel angry, bitter, resentful and sad most of the time.
I have contacted a private psychotherapist as I don't know if I can wait for the NHS appointment. Has anyone been in a similar position, and come out the other side?
I know I need help, I'm just not sure exactly what help I need. 