Some MNers may remember my saga with my mother. I broke contact with her and my stepfather several months ago after a long, acrimonious fallout. I spent weeks not opening the curtains during the day, not going out unless I had to and locking the doors from the inside. Lately I have been feeling much safer and more peaceful, have been having the back door open all day and only jumping a bit when the phone rings (although I still won't answer the land line). Just now I caught a glimpse of a man in a T-shirt similar to one my stepfather wears just crossing the road opposite my house. I ran and locked the door and grabbed my mobile. It wasn't him, of course, but my pulse is now racing and I feel sick and shaky. It's made me realise that I do still feel guilty and miserable quite a lot of the time about what happened, and I do still get that horrible squirm in my stomach when I see a car the same colour as theirs - I check the number plate while avoiding looking in the windscreen - and I always check the cars outside my house as I approach after picking ds1 up from nursery. I jump if the doorbell rings and when the neighbours' car pulls up.
Will I ever stop looking over my shoulder? Trying to heal the family breach is simply not an option. I am on ADs (amytriptyline, for anxiety) and have had the dose increased 3 times since this whole thing started in January, but while I am much happier overall I am still finding myself feeling panicky and horrible quite a lot of the time.