Where would I be now?

[Imsuchamess]

Where would I be now if my step dad hadn't been to prison? When a peadophile went out with my mum.

Where would I be if after my dad got out of prison my mum
Had moved so he could give up drugs?

Where would I be now if I hadn't aborted a healthy baby against my wishes? Who was fathered by a man who both raped and beat me repeatedly from age 13-15?

Does any one else spend many hours wondering where they would be if a bad thing hadn't happened?

No, because it would be counterproductive.

If I hadn't settled down with the wrong man, I wouldn't have my son. I would never have given up work which led to me getting emtophobia.

But I did and I have. I have no option now other than to accept and move on.

I have similar experiences to you, OP. I do wonder, but mainly I hope you are OK . I have seen your other posts. How are you feeling?

I'm listening, OP - you've been through some tremendous trauma and in order for us to try and distance ourselves from the experiences, I think it is common for us to think of alternative scenarios. A little bit like rehashing conversations in the shower I guess! I do it, a lot less than I used to, but I think everyone feels "if only" sometimes. It's how we notice when something went wrong for us/when someone treated us wrongly, and how we should aspire to change it.

The thing is, focusing on what could have happened does not change what did happen. If they had not happened, some other things that have given you joy, however small, may have not happened. Although the experiences are clearly troubling for you, you also have the capacity of recalling that these memories were abnormal for a child to experience and that you understand that have contributed to the pain you feel. The do not make them less painful, but having that acknowledgement can to some extent, help you heal at some point that is available to you.

Thanks all. I have just been having nightmares and it's bringing up old memories. I have felt quite down since Wednesday. But I have only just come out of a year long psychotic episode I don't have the strength for another.

I'm very scared.

Do you have a support network in place for times like this? Care coordinated, crisis team, GP or someone that has experience in what benefits you when you are feeling this low?

I understand how you feel about nightmares and how real they can be, and how they effect you upon waking. Everyone says they are just dreams but I completely empathise.

Are you on medication currently, or have you come off them or going through anything that could trigger the nightmares?

I'm here if you want to talk. x