who can help me please

[mouses]

its like I have run out of strength to fight off my mental health, my head goes funny and I cant focus, my rage is so bad. cant cope with the kids. I cant care for them and keep my head above water. what can I do? im scared.
I run through senarios of ways out, what will happen with the dc's, my dd is very close to me and im worried she will struggle with out me, asking for me...
I cant give them a good life how I am, I feel like i cant leave them either. im exhausted trying to keep my head together whilst cooking and doing basic care for them. tho I do im struggling
I have no one, no family and my only friend don't need my problems and have withdrawn from her. dp lives with his parents and doesn't understand - thinks im pushing him away but Im drained to even hold a conversation or give out hugs, kisses let alone be intimate.

there could be 100 people in this room and I would still feel alone cos they don't understand! im scared im going to loose everything, I know my mind and im worried I cant get through this bout.
I have counsellor weekly and psychiatrist every few months but I need some one don't know who? im scared for myself and dcs

Hi mouses
Have you got anyone you can talk to about how your feeling?

So sorry to hear about your struggles. Have you seen your counsellor this? If so, can you ring him/her and explain you're in bad shape?

no I have no one.
I see my counsellor every Friday and she asked me if she should be worried about me / my safety. I said no cos im too coward - but im actually scared I cant hold it together much longer. I don't want to end up in hospital but I feel a break down is coming

I'm sorry your feeling this way. I know it feels there's no way out - but that's part of the illness, it tries it's best to fool you into thinking there's no escape. There is, slowly - keep fighting, keep pushing - your children need you, to them you are irreplaceable - no matter how messed up or a burden this horrible depression is trying to fool you that you are to them - your not. Your unique and irreplaceable.

Do talk to your counsellor. Talk to the Samaritans 24 hrs, talk to your local MIND, talk to your family, talk to us - withdrawing is also the illness deceiving you.

Mega hugs from an internet stranger X

I know they need me, but I cant run a day to day life, just aint got the emotional strength. they are goin to loose me wether it be by death or this illness. im so sorry for them. I don't know what to do to help me.

do you think counselling helping you? it doesn't look like it to me.
you will get better please don't worry.
your children will grow up and everything will be easier.
how about ad's, do you take any?

I'm so sorry mouses, this is a horrid illness.

Forget day to day life... Could you try hour to hour? Just take it an hour at a time, if you have an OK hour - FAB

at my worst with depression I gave myself a goal that if I could enjoy something no matter how small - id keep going. One day the only thing was a piece of chocolate. It was 30 seconds or less of enjoyment in 24hrs... But it was still something iyswim. Maybe you could find something each hour to "enjoy" just for a moment - the view out the window, your kids smiles or sound of their voices, a cup of tea even

I found breaking down everything really small quite helpful - thinking about getting through a whole day was just too much for me, but moment by moment was do-able.

Keep fighting. You owe it to yourself. Your body won't give up on you if you keep drinking water and taking in a little food so don't fret about that, the mind is the battlefield X

no counselling is not helping, she just says im a better mum than I think and that im too hard on myself. im grateful for her time but its wasted.
ive tried fluoxetine, quetiapine didn't agree with me. im on dosulipin but it does nothing.

choo everything is making me worse, my kids voices, dog following me, neighbours laughin, cars going by, though of cooking, thought of consentrating, breathing, is too much. sorry im being hard im just honest

its like nothing is helping, this is 3rd time counselling.
endless psychiatrist apps, countless diagnosis... I will run out of time before I can be helped. today has been the hardest not to breakdown, its dd's birthday on thurs - must make it til then!

Yes I remember how it gets, I was so annoyed at the rest of the world for daring to go on as normal once, it seemed insane when I felt so low that others could laugh, it just grated so.

Have you been taking your meds a while or are they new to you? Have they given you anything for the immediate feelings? I used to have promethazine to take and it was very helpful for me to take just when things were too much (as needed, not daily like anti depressants) do you have a crisis number you could call?

there is so much laughter outside, I have a communal garden. everyone has company/ visitors, they all having bbq's. my dcs are stuck with mum crying on the sofa and easy oven food. cant get over the guilt I have making them witness this.
I took fluoxetine for 3yrs telling gp, psychs it was doing nothing before refusing to take them as they wouldn't change them. dosulpin for a month not even a flicker in change, nothing. ive been begging them to help before its too late! my counsellor came round with a volunteering form on Friday! I cant even go out the house somedays - what she thinking, I cant do this.

Maybe they need to review the dosage? Though a month is not long... And I was told for a few weeks i could feel even worse (How is that even possible?!) till they kicked in properly

It sounds like your counsellor isn't fully aware of how bad this is atm? Although she may have been thinking that getting you out of the house would help (it probably would, but is virtually impossible when you're feeling so low)

Perhaps the kids could go stay with friends or family for a few days to give you all some respite? You could check into a retreat centre?

don't bother about if other people have bbq and such stuff. you can take your children to park etc and have fun, don't worry.
you sound depressed to me.
maybe go to your gp and explain to them like you did here.
I see a huge sertraline thread in here, many people seem like benefiting from it, maybe ask your gp about it.
if you find the right treatment you will be able to do all you want and be happy, don't worry please.

have felt a little better last few days, thanks for your time and kind words x