just that really. not keen on posting in relationships as I find there's a tendency for people's responses to be very black and white, and I need there to be an understanding that my thinking might be quite muddled anyway due to the PND / poss PTSD
I've been very low and exhausted, having significant suicidal thoughts at my worst and still having them sometimes now. GP is being good and I am on citalopram and its helping, and also my parents and the health visitor have sorted me out with more support at home. I have been referred to perinatal but they are desperately slow in calling
anyway, a friend was talking about a mood tracker thing she used at one point, and it got me reflecting over the past few weeks about When it is that I feel at my worst and I have realised that its often when DH is around/ associated with his behaviour/ our relationship.
my mood lifts significantly when I am around family/ friends (but a lot of family live along way away)
some of my worst lows include when I'd expressed a real wish to go out somewhere as a family and he made excuse after excuse until I realised he really didn't want to go. I went and hid in my bed and thought about taking tablets. (luckily DS came and jumped on my head and dragged the covers off). I think its because there is a recurring pattern of dh never being very interested in doing things as a couple/ family (he'd rather just mooch around as he has an exciting )
another big low was when I had finally been admitting how bad I was any everyone (family etc) was rallying around offering support, and dh agreed he would take a few weekends off (exhaustion is partly due to him working non stop) and he duly did finally take a weekend off.... to go out and do his hobby with his friends both days!
he is good around the house, does the nursery drop off 3 days / week, and helps with bedtime. but our relationship isn't great and he can be quite critical of me and we do both argue a fair bit. I suggested doing something fun while the kids are at nursery and he just has never taken me up on the suggestion which is hurting too.
my thoughts aren't really clear, I guess I can just see that everything is interacting. I'm probably not the easiest person to be around at times at the moment, but equally there's a history of him making me more miserable really and its currently really not helping me fight the pnd. I feel like he should be doing more to look after me and he really isn't