Suicide compromise

[kirsten123]

Hello,

I've never really enjoyed my life to be honest. I've always worked hard, studied, and hoped things would improve but they never really have.

I won't bore you with the background (broken engagement, debt, alcoholism) but today I'm 31 years old, overweight, single, stuck in a rented room hundreds of miles from my parents and doing a job I hate. (Contract finishes January). I've never really enjoyed any job I've done despite loads of education/training.

Now, what I would really like is to go to sleep and never wake up again. Or somehow donate all my organs to people who DO want to live! I just don't see the point in carrying on - why is it such a taboo to just opt-out of life in the same way that you opt-out of anything else that you don't enjoy/aren't good at.

However I would not do this because my parents would be devastated. I should say they know a little but they get upset when I hint about just how bad I feel and tell them that I wish they'd never had me because I just find life something to be endured and I must be a source of worry and disappointment to them.

So what I want to do is basically say to them - I will not kill myself but basically I'm your problem now. (They have plenty of money). I've done 30 years of this shite and I've had enough. Ie I would move back home and just "exist" until THEY shuffle off (they are 60 years old). Then I'll end it. And not have to deal with pensions or lack thereof.

Now, I realise this all sounds selfish but is it not selfish to have children and make them deal with this thing we call life?

I've felt this way for years but have often blocked it out with antidepressants.

NanaNina - I remember you. Ages and ages ago (and under another name), I posted something about my DS who was having enormous problems and boy did your response help. Thank you. I've seen other of your posts, too, and have been struck by your kindness and good sense.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I very much hope that the pain eases. You have much to give.

Kirsten - maybe this is little consolation but you come across as very insightful, bright and articulate. And young! I do hope that things improve - take your time - but hold on in there. You have every right to - and every possibility - of a much happier life.

Eleanor02 thank you SO much for your kind words. I have intermittent depression and I have recently been going through a tough time with changing meds. I was feeling at a very low ebb when I posted about suicide. I do think of suicide a fair bit but think it is suicide ideation mostly. As soon as the bad days have gone I wonder how on earth I could think of suicide. But thank you again.

Hi NanaNina - I hope the meds settle and that you're being wisely advised and supported in this. I completely get the suicide idea thing and I guess that an awful lot of people would both understand and have the same experience. Looked at dispassionately, the world seems such a cruel place at times (even often) and life very difficult. Sometimes I wonder why I don't have the attributes and skills to cope - surely someone knew what I'd need.

But then I go home (work is the cruel place for me right now) and my usually quite cheerful DCs and my loving DH help me to understand that life has a very good side to it as well. Still, it's difficult - we are so very human.

I can't have been the only one to think that your posts were so often spot on, always honest and always kind. Even us lurkers on the threads take comfort from and are inspired or informed by the discussions - and I suppose lurking is a kind of participation.

Anyway, delighted you're still with us! And your family sounds super.

Daddybear - just read your post again. I do like 'Your focus determines your reality.' Thank you - I think I'll take that into work with me tomorrow and see what a difference it makes.

kirsten - are you OK? At 31, although as you say you've done of training and been on lots of courses, you are easily, easily young enough to find something that does resonate, that does work for you, that does make you happy (though obviously, in any job, not every day will be blissful!). Can you take steps to find that or explore a number of possibilities?
Thinking of you.

I used to feel like the OP did. I saw no point in living, my life was a mess and had always been, and I just wanted to accept defeat and die. That was about five years ago. Since then, I've had therapy and found peace with myself. I now like my life - and, crucially, myself. I went from being long term single and very lonely, with an undiagnosed mh problem and drug habit to now married, 2 kids, mh in remission and whilst I don't wake up full of joy every day, I am generally content with life and happy to stick around until the show is over.

I am soooooooooo glad now I never gave in to my suicidal urges. Every time I look at my children's faces I feel grateful for that.

I never used to believe things could get any better for me, but they did. OP you don't know what's round the corner. Yes it could be another 50 years of feeling the same way but then again you could find a way out, as I did. So please don't believe it will always be like it is now. Good luck.