I had my baby just under 4 weeks ago via emergency section as I had preeclamsia, its been a very stressful time as he's in hospital being cared for in the neonatal unit. He seems to be healthly, the only problem is he is struggling to bottle feed, and until he cracks that hes not coming home. At the moment he's on a pattern of 2 bottles then a tube. If he doesn't finish his bottle in half an hour then they put the rest down his tube.
He usually takes his bottle from the nurses but not from me, which I'm finding very hard.
Before I had him I suffered terribly with panic attacks to the point I couldn't leave the house without anxiety, then last year I started medication and got better, then when I fell pregnant in November I had to reduce my medication dose and the ponic attacks got worse again. I've moved back up a dose last week but so far I don't feel better.
I'm having to catch the bus on my own to the hospital which is causing a lot of panic, then go to the hospital to take care of baby, its so far out of my comfort zone that I'm in tears before I get on the bus.
I'd spoken to another mum about my anxieties and explained why I hadn't been up a lot on my own during the day, and mainly waited to come up in the evening with my husband, but she told another nurse and I got told that I had to put my own feelings aside and take care of my son as I hadn't been looking after him enough.
This naturally upset me and I cried while trying to tell the nurse what had been going on, this was last night.
Well today I was going to the hospital for 8am, I've been awake since 3am having constant panic attacks about the bus and being at the hospital, and Joshua not taking his bottle from me, I've spent most of the day atvthe hospital having panic attacks and crying, the nurse looking after Joshua told me to go to the toilet because I was in floods of tears and the other parents and staff were looking at me, adding to me feeling self conscious!
I just don't know how to stop crying, every time it comes to feeding time I dread it, it looks like he's sucking but when I check the bottle there's no milk gone out of it, or very little, and then I cry again.
I don't want to come across as unstable or like I can't cope, one of the nurses yesterday told me to go to the postnatal ward for advice but my husband won't let me in case they won't let Joshua come home with us because I'm coming across like I can't look after him.
He's told me to go back tomorrow, not be neggative and put a bravee face on but I'm just so exhausted and over emotional I don't know how to stop crying.
I don't know if I have post natal depression, or I'm just over tired and anxious generally, but I feel like I can't get help.