Abysmal Afternoons

[AfternoonAlbatross]

I basically need some advice and I'd be very grateful if anyone could help. I'm sorry if this is a bit of a splurge.
I'm trying to finish a research degree but it's got to that silly 'writing up year' where you don't get any funding. I've a one year old and a three year old and have had two lots of maternity leave during my PhD. My one year old is still bfed and has ridiculous gastro issues which mean he can basically eat rice, potato, meat, fish, fruit and veg. I'm not the same diet because of the bf. He doesn't sleep very well, so I get little sleep and eat poorly. They're in childcare 4 ays a week so I try and fit 5 days work into 4 and I do paid work in the evenings to make ends meet (husband works ft on 'decent' money so no TC etc but childcare, mortgage, bills, car etc.. crippling. I can't concentrate on my writing . I sit for hours trying and failing and rewriting and failing and deleting. By mid afternoon I always have a cry. I think about suicide frequently. I have major family issues. My Mum was seriously depressed / threatened suicide throughout my childhood, we didn't have money for food, my dad had plenty but wasn't around (too busy living with the family he pretended he didn't have). I'm so angry with them. I'm thirty and periods of feeling like this have defined my life. I'm supposed to be doing teacher training in September so can't go to the Dr or will be declared unfit to teach and then will have major problems because of no ££ coming in. From when I was about 13/14 I remember focusing on a tree at our local park where I planned to hang myself if I needed to. I think I'm on the edge of that breakdown now.

You have two young children, you are trying to complete a PhD and work part time. No wonder you are stressed and unable to function. Your suicidal thoughts are a major red flag and for the sake of yourself and your family, please get help. Are you sure you cannot teach if you're being treated for depression? I'm sure there are lots of teachers in that position and it's better to get treatment than to try and soldier on by yourself.

Here are a few ideas, I hope that some of them will be useful to you.

• Can you stop breastfeeding and get yourself onto a better diet? You will be healthier and better able to cope with the demands being placed on you.
• Is your husband sharing the load in terms of caring for your youngest at night?
• When the kids are not there 4 days a week, take some time for yourself to recharge your batteries. I know this feels wrong but you will be able to work a lot more effectively and productively if you look after yourself. Go for a walk. Take a nap. Meet a friend for a quick coffee. Allow yourself to do something just for you.
• Get someone else to read what you've written. Sometimes we need outside input because we get so caught up in what we're doing that we no longer see the wood for the trees. We lose our confidence in ourselves and don't recognise good work when we've done it. (I'm also a part time student.)
• You need to deal with your past so that you can move on. A good therapist can help you do this.

You need and deserve help. Please see your doctor.

Hi like poster above said, 2 young children and breast feeding, doing a PHD and working and have financial responsibilities is a big deal. ( which is why stopped at just a degree)

How far are you with writing up? Is it the pressure of having to finish it in a set time that is making it worse? Anything that can be done to help that? Extension due to family ( just as have 2 young kids!!) delay teacher training until finished phd?

It may be worth asking on other areas about health issues and teaching, but you would have to declare anything on medical forms and usually see OH in my job area, which involves young people/vulnerable people.

Also teacher training - worht asking on right area about how people manage it with 2 pre-schoolers. Regarding finance, childcare etc?

For me, dealing with practicalities and getting practical help can help stop things getting worse. Yes, medication and therapy can help deal with it but NHS therapy will have long waits and am unsure how that would fit in with a full week teaching? Private lists may be shorter or after school hours? Or some NHS talking therapy may be online or phone based in some areas. They can help deal with the past but cannot take away food issues with toddlers, sleep, phd and job issues sadly.

Am sure there are others here who struggled with writing up a phd with young family - worth asking how they managed??

Thanks, I've managed to book a GPs appointment, before I end up in the afternoon mist. I basically cried myself to sleep last night. DH told me that I do such a good job of managing the situation / taking care of other people, but didn't quite seem to get that I just need someone to step up and take care of me for a while.
I've tried therapy before, and the last NHS counsellor offered me extra sessions on the basis that I'd try her 'relationships' therapy because she was doing a course in it (and that the sessions would be recorded / she'd discuss with her mentor). I definitely have 'relationships' issues in that I was a young carer / my parents were pretty much useless, but she ended up suggesting (implying?) that I don't 'enjoy' my children enough and that maybe my background was going to impact on their childhoods too (which I resented as my children are well loved and my life revolves around putting them first, which is probably part of why I'm so tired - four year old demands gluten free pancakes and berries for breakfast - Mummy makes them....son needs something different as he can't have dairy / egg.....). Medication has always made me foggy which doesn't really work with the PhD and then there's the breastfeeding....
I've already declared my past mental health issues, I don't want to make things worse though).
DS is breastfed so there's not much DH can do. He fetches him and takes him back to his cot sometimes. To be fair he only usually wakes 1/2 times now but he's usually either in with me feeding / wriggling from 4-4.30 or wide awake, so I'm awake then.