Am I depressed or just crap?

[Justfeelshite]

I'm a regular, but have changed my name for this because I just feel a bit embarrassed about admitting how crap I am really.

I'm feeling particularly low tonight, and am 'home alone' (dh away a lot, including when I really need him like now) and just need to voice how annoyed I am with myself really...

I am an apparently successful person with two smashing kids and a job which is quite well thought-of in the outside world, a nice house and well, you know, all that. But I just don't seem to be able to actually achieve anything at the moment. It's like I've been overtaken by a sort of lethargy and although I have good intentions, I get nowhere with them. I have piles of work on my desk at work, but when I'm in the office I fiddle around with emails and minor tasks and waste the day, before coming home and feeling that I'm useless. Then I go in the next day and the piles have got bigger and I can face them even less... and so it goes on. I bring lots of work home, so that it torments me when I'm here as well. As I said, dh is away a lot, so I juggle the childcare too, and feel crap for the fact that I am not there for my kids more. I feel 'judged' by the other mums in the playground for the fact that they are picked up by a childminder every day. We moved house this summer, so haven't been away anywhere, but my kids stayed with my parents for two weeks as I had to be at work. The kids had a great time, but I hated it, and felt as if I'd abandoned them. Meanwhile I have got the house sorted out, but the work keeps on piling up around me and I don't get on with it. I am also crap at doing everyday things like making appointments (my hair needs cutting, but I can't phone the hairdresser's to get it done, I ran out of the pill because I couldn't get my arse in gear to phone the drs). And today I've pissed off my best friend because we're going away together this weekend (I don't want to go because I'm thinking of the piles of work at home, but I can't get out of it now) and I didn't get around to phoning to confirm the accommodation and things and consequently we haven't got exactly what we wanted.

Everyone thinks I am so organised, and they are so sooooooo wrong. Why can't I just put a bomb under myself and get myself motivated? I'd feel so much better if I did, and yet here I am still dithering about (should be working now, not posting on here, but need to offload at the moment). I've been seeing a counsellor at work and have talked about some phobias I have and also about my feelings of inadequacy, but he just seems faintly amused by me, and I feel that he thinks I'm making a big fuss about nothing. And anyway, with him I don't ever really get to the point of what the problem is...mainly because I don't actually know what it is. I strongly suspect that I am just a crappo useless kind of person. If I wasn't, surely I'd just 'get over it' and 'pull myself together'. I don't think I'm depressed... I function perfectly adequately on a day-to-day level, sleep OK (though I tend to sit up till at least 1 a.m. timewasting and am woken by the kids by 7 at the latest, so am too knackered to do otherwise), eat OK (too much at times), and I am capable of having fun with the kids and being generally happy when not feeling anxious about the things I need to do. I've had friends who've been seriously depressed, and I don't recognise myself in them. But I am constantly tearful and, most of all, just can't seem to 'snap out of it'.

Please feel free to tell me to just get over it and pull myself together. That's probably what I need... a good kick up the bum. But I don't seem to be able to administer it to myself.

Thanks for reading this. I don't really mind whether or not I get any replies now. I just needed to get it all off my chest.

I think you are just overwhelmed by the amount of things you have to do and juggle so many things, it's natural that it would get on top of you at times. Is there any way you could cut back your hours and try to not bring the work home as much? , like you mention how you do avoiding things that waste time, could you make a resolution for one or 2 days at work to only check these things once for a set 5 minutes then force yourself to just work knowing that you are then reducing your pressure the next day and tell your self, 'this is good as tomorrow it won't be as bad'.I would not tell you to pull yourself together as you are obviously very together to be able to all these different things and you should be proud of your achievements. hope you feel better soon

Work seems to be the issue here. Is there any way you can reduce your workload?

I don't think you're crap, BTW.

I could have written your post. I look at other people who seem to be able to manage job, house and children and wonder why I can't. It just seems like too many things to juggle. I do an ok job of work and kids I think but the house is the weak link.
I think that in my case I need a) more sleep b) some regular exercise and c) more of a social life. Its easy to get ground down by the mundane when there is so much of it. I too am terrible at procrastinating and it gets into a vicious cycle of feeling crap because I haven't got anything done.

Oh, I understand. I finally get some time to myself, and rather than crack on with things that have been waiting for my attention, I spend far too long on Mumsnet (or doing other non-urgent things).

Do deadlines (real or self imposed) work to motivate you?

Also, would think that perhaps a different (and more supportive) counsellor could help you understand what's going on under the surface.

No solution I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know I can completely relate. Let us know how you get on.

I went to the gp after feeling exactly as you say (right down to the not being able to make a hair appointment or organise a repeat prescription of the pill...). I was put on antidepressants straightaway, which really surprised me. I never liked them, but for a couple of months they lifted the fog enough so that I could decide what I wanted to do and have the energy to take the first steps...

For me, the things that have helped are taking exercise and reducing amount of chocolate I eat (to less than 250g per day...) - both just about having some control over my life and body again (3 babies in 4 years - I went from being an accountant to a milking / nappy machine)

Don't know whether that helps at all - if you're like me, what you really need is somebody close to you making an effort to give you time to look after yourself. Then I began to believe again that looking after myself was a worthwhile thing to do, and everything else then got much easier.

I really sympathise with how crap you're feeling, and hope you get some helpful responses to the thread.

nothing to add really jfs except can you have a break away and that would give you time to look at what the problem is and how to fix it. (((hugs)))

Wow - you just summed up the way I feel totally but add losing my rag with the kids to the list! I had PND first time around but feel that this is slightly different and you know what, Elliott has provided the perfect answer to my life!!!
Here are some steps I am taking:
Starting power walking with my mum when kids have gone to bed with a view to running in the future.
Writing down what I eat in a day to cut out some of the crap (am still bfing so not going to get too hung up on this).
Writing events on the calendar and arranging days/eveings out and even a girly weekend away (only having DD2 at boob time).
Getting a mini meet up arranged with a couple of MNetters......
All adds up to a kick up the bum like you say!!!
How's about we keep this thread going and see if we can kick eachother up the bum so to speak???

Oh wow! You don't know how much it helps just to know that other people feel like this too. Thank you all of you.

Yes, you're probably right that the problem lies mostly with work. But I can't reduce my hours or the amount of work I do at home because of the nature of what I do. It kind of expands to fill the time available, and no matter how much I do it'll never be enough. I like work, though. I've thought of packing it all in and trying something else, but I'd just be running away from my inability to manage the work, rather than leaving something that made me genuinely unhappy (iyswim). I know that exercise and some me-time would help, but it's difficult to organise as dh is away so much (he does shifts, so I can't go to the gym or even out for a walk in the evenings after work very often, quite apart from when he's away, and I don't have access to an easy/regular babysitter). Meanwhile I have achieved something tonight work-wise after writing my OP, and am off to bed now before it gets TOO late. Thank you all for your reassurance.

I feel just the same about work, but I am trying to keep control of it rather than let it control me, by recognising that I will never achieve what other people working 60 hours a week achieve (I am 75% wte and try hard not to let work encroach on my home time, but it is the same kind of 'never completed' work that you describe).
I think you are exhausted from moving etc and this has tipped you slightly over the edge. I do think exercise is a key (though haven't put this into practice myself!) - I am going to start taking ds1 to his swimming lesson which will give me 30 mins swimming once a week. and I walk to work which helps.
Like you, I don't think I'm clinically depressed at the moment but certainly suffering a kind of malaise....