Guess I have to start somewhere, sorry if this is long, I am feeling very low tonight.
I've "a lot on my plate" which is what the Samaritans always (kindly) say whenever I ring them. Single mum, disabled, 2 under five, struggling with debts, running self-employed business.
No partner / contact with fathers of children .
No family due to severely abusive childhood.
Have had to move around a lot and quite long distances over recent years so never really feel rooted anywhere.
I have very little time for myself because I am either working or looking after the children (they are in childcare while I work). When I do, I go swimming or watch TV or sleep.
I take anti-depressants, and have had 10+ years of counselling which recently finished in relation to the abuse trauma, coping strategies, parenting, coping with my disability etc.
There is a lot of anger under the surface which I just don't think will ever really go away. Sometimes it may just be tiredness / weariness at everything I've been through and now have to contend with.
Tonight it's been money worries getting me down as I try to plan a holiday, but it could be anything.
I've hit my DS once this week after promising him I never would do it again after I used to resort to hitting when I had the newborn DD. I feel terribly guilty about this and just so angry with myself for breaking my promise. I told him a Bible story about saying sorry and gave him as much of an explanation and a big apology and have tried to make it up to him with cuddles, close time etc. But still feel very badly about it as I lost my temper and should be in control of myself.
I have also been shouting a lot more than normal. I need to find ways to relax WITH the DCs since they are with me alot. I watched a Disney Film with them while I had beer and cigarettes (only drink and smoke approx twice a month for a "treat"!) and that was relaxing, I crashed to bed same time as the DCs around 7.30. But I am at a loss to know how else to relax with them, I seem constantly to be stopping them climbing on furniture or whining that they are really bored ... we do all the good family stuff like summer fetes, day trips etc., they have plenty of toys.
All the crap constantly on the news about sexual abuse is really getting me down, I feel victims still don't have a voice, it's just more media hype etc. Plus the Madeleine McCann story. It breaks my heart.
I saw a friend today and I am seeing another friend tomorrow, so not too isolated but I just don't feel there's much of "me" left to be friends with, I still don't really know who I am. Despair of ever finding a partner too.
I just feel low tonight. I am a very practical person and it is very disappointing to me that all the practical steps I had put in place to ensure I wouldn't hit my DS have failed me. Also I don't know what I can practically do to feel better, I have adjusted the dose of my medication, I have completed counselling...
I guess I have to accept today's just a bad day, but I feel really overwhelmed. I feel like I need a break but (given the children are already in childcare every morning) I don't know what that "break" would even look like.
