At the end of my tether-hand holding,advice, anything.

[Whomnever]

NC for this. Also, long and tedious, sorry.My eldest ds (25) has as, diagnosed with anxiety, depression. Left school with nothing, did access course, went to Uni, bombed out after two years. Since then, has lived back with us (his db and ds). His behaviour is getting more and more erratic and untrustworthy. He is on the dole, has done various courses, no job. (He also has dyspraxia, so his writing lets him down on applications)
Anyway, his depression etc is majorly exacerbated by drug use. Hangs round with a total shower of dickheads. Is under doctor and talking changes to deal with his problems.
Before anyone says kick him out,he has attempted suicide twice, and I think that he would be dead within a week.
He has a girlfriend who lives in another country, his long term plan is to move there. She visited last year and is far too good for him.
So after many tough love talks, this week he seemed to be in a better place, talking positively, taking steps to address his depression, getting straight. Now he has just rolled in from last night, out of his box again. Eyes like saucers, lost his glasses, in denial. I've told him to go to bed, I can't look at him. His brothers are furious with him. I'm sat in tears, I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.

Where does he get his money? If he is living with you, it is reasonable to set ground rules. Dyspraxia no excuse, job apps can be done online or with computer.

I would sit down with him and make a clear plan of action toward the outcomes : get a job, save money, move to / visit girlfriend.

He is claiming job seekers, but they are shunting him onto ESA, also gets DLA. We have sat him down so many times, he is always full of regrets and promises but always back to square one. He gets sent to interviews, they see his writing and no thanks.
It's affecting my state of mind (dd is doing GCSES, so it's a bit fraught and my job is stressful.)Feel like I can't give anymore.

From the picture you've painted, I'm really glad he's being moved to ESA. The constant 'failures' involved in job-seeking aren't going to help his view of life and himself. As he's receiving DLA, he must be deemed heavily handicapped and there's a good chance he'll go straight into Support Group - more money & no pressure to pull up non-existent socks! I would advise appealing if they put him in WC group.

The providers of back-to-work 'support' are under pressure to move claimants off their roster, which currently tends to involve a tax credit scam (for want of a better word) which it sounds like your DS might fall for ... leaving him potentially open to a sudden drop in income and accusations of fraud a year or so down the line. In Support Group, he'll be left alone for a year.

My guess is he needs a project. Something to get really interested/obsessed with. You know him - and, crucially, what kinds of things engaged his enthusiasm when younger. When you & he find this thing and he gets going, you can subtly help to identify connections - fellow enthusiasts; experts; coaches; clubs or workshops; younger people he could teach; you get the idea.

Wishing a depressed person would shape up is a waste of wishes. We can live within depression (I do) and still find ourselves valued & valuable. Keep posting if you've got ideas! You may have to weather several a few dead ends before he finds a pathway :)

I can cope with the depression, and I really thought this week he had made some significant plans-helping a friend do up a car, a writing project with some other friends, finally doing the beer making kit he got for Christmas. He agreed that the drugs and the people involved were bringing him down. And then he goes and gets off his face. This I can't cope with. I've told him over and over that both mine and Dh's job could be put at risk and his visa application.
Thanks Garlic for the insight, I don't have much experience of ESA. But JS were leading him a merry dance, sending him to interviews for tele sales (really? With his telephone manner) putting him on a "course" which lead no where.)his disability support worker was non existent. Anyway. I think even tougher love is called for. God knows what though.

His GF must be made of money, becuase he won't be able to get benefits in any country I know of where you need a visa.

Sorry, I couldn't live with that.

No she isn't. He has a half arsed plan. She would rather come here (nursery teacher) but can't for family reasons. He got up at 11, had a drink, went back to bed. I want it all out of his system before we talk.

Good luck. The week's projects sound hopeful! Perhaps too many of them in a week - did he feel exhausted/overstressed and want to calm it all down or stop his head whirling by Friday night? I've a tendency to drink too much after a few days of stuff I find emotionally demanding - figuring out whether you're likely to be happy drunk/stoned or just flattened is a useful skill, which doesn't always come easy! I'm "allowed" to get pissed if I'm already rested, will be in supportive company, and can sleep a lot over the following days. That way, I get to let my hair down safely and create a lovely memory. When I'm very tired, fed up and/or anxious, the temptation to blot it all out with an extra five few vodkas is very appealing but I know it'll just make me feel like shit and give me a major attack of self-criticism afterwards.

It's not a case of that. He has no off switch or discrimination about safe and dangerous situations.He was still out of it this morning. Despite his protestations I found a pipe and some prescription sedatives that he had bought from a "friend". I was going to lend him the money to go to the opticians today but he was in no fit state and I didn't trust him with the money.
His ESA has come through and I'm tempted to suggest he hands it over and he has to ask for money. I'm giving him a few days to detox. His brothers have been asked to support us in our decisions. (He thinks that one of his brothers hates him and plots against him)
I spent the morning at work crying. I feel a failure as a parent. It caused a row between me and dh. I just don't want my ds to end up dead or homeless.