Husband just won't get help for depression

[BlueHeffalump]

Hi all. I'm sure I can't be the only person who has had this kind of problem. I would really like suggestions about what to do. I'm flat out of ideas and I'm finding this very difficult. I have got a new name for this, I occasionally contribute and often lurk, but not on this part of mumsnet before.

My husband (late 30s, like me) feels very low a lot of the time, has lost enthusiasm for things he used to enjoy, and often over-reacts to things that seem really minor to me (usually to do with social situations). He has mentioned suicide a few times but usually in the sense of 'I wouldn't do that' but even so, the mention of it at all is disturbing. He is fine at work as far as I can tell, he's doing well, he exercises, he eats well, he doesn't drink lots, he doesn't do drugs or anything like that. But every now and again we get these horrible, horrible patches, usually when an argument over something really minor spirals out of control really quickly.

I am not a doctor but I have a background in psychology (never worked in a clinical job) and I am pretty sure he has depression - most of the time he agrees with me that he probably does. The problem is he absolutely refuses to seek any help for it at all. He gets angry with me and says he wishes he'd never mentioned it, that he should keep it all inside, and fight it on his own. He really doesn't want to have any kind of mental health label and whenever I suggest going to the GP and maybe getting some antidepressants, I get a really hostile reaction. He has a funny attitude to doctors it is fair to say.

Obviously, the 'fighting it on his own' thing is not really working out.

A lot of this is to do with some kind of masculine self-image about men shouldn't feel this way and if they do they sure as hell shouldn't tell anyone about it. Also he has a perception of people with mental health issues as being weak/failures/losers. I do not agree with this in the tiniest, tiniest degree and in fact this kind of language really upsets me, as I do not think of him like this. Also my best friend and father have both had problems like this, and to hear them described as losers and failures makes me pretty cross. I can't bear to think that things will just carry on this way if he won't tackle it.

Sorry to go on (it could have been so much longer!). I can't discuss this with friends or family as he would be absolutely devastated if I did, it would be seen as a huge betrayal and massive invasion of privacy. I'm not sure internet strangers would be any better but at least this can stay secret.

I would just like to know if anyone else has had a bloke who is completely resistant to help. What can I do?! Is there a way to get him help and support (ideally including antidepressants) that doesn't involve the GP or having it on his medical record? And how the hell do I persuade him that feeling bad and seeking help for it is a reasonable thing for a man to do and doesn't make him a total failure?!

In the end I got my husband to email the doctor outlining the problems. He had a very speedy, supportive reply and went for his appt soon after. Had to fill in a questionnaire with doc and was prescribed anti deps straight away. Within about a week he was feeling considerably better. He was referred to counselling too which helped a bit but the tablets are the main thing. It's like he is his old self- light hearted and jovial instead of morose and paranoid. Best thing he ever did. He is a good looking, sporty, sociable person who you'd never guess had any problems. The turning point was finally convincing him that it was a chemical problem which needed medicine and also I convinced him that probably loads of people we know are on anti deps bit don't discuss it.

That was a really good idea stinkypants. I tried numerous times to get my H to the GP. I finally did it by booking a joint appointment and saying I wanted him to come with me as I was struggling with our life ( I had briefed the GP beforehand). However, my H refused to take the anti - d's and also eschewed the NHS counselling.

I think depressed partners need to want to get help themselves - it can't be forced - but I did feel at least I had done all I could. My H decided to go to a private counsellor( even though it is deepening our debt which may have precipitated his depression) and was angry later that I had persuaded him to see the GP as it would now be on his notes forever and he felt it would affect his job prospects, insurance etc.

I found reading Anne Sheffield's books and the Depression Fallout messageboard helpful in realising I needed to "detach" slightly and look after my own needs as a priority whilst still supporting my H - easier said than done I know.

It is so difficult though and frustrating when you so muchwant to help someone you love who is in pain but they won't accept it.

If he goes private for some counselling that will not be on his gp notes - would he consider that?

Or would he consider looking at self help measures ( if he not already doing them!) - regular sleep pattern, some exercise etc etc. other people may be able to share what helps their partners.

Thank you, some really good ideas there. I have found some private counseling near us through the Mind charity which isn't too expensive and wouldn't be on his NHS GP notes. Good idea silverstars. I don't think he'd go for it, but I will try suggesting it if I can gauge the right moment. I thought that a private GP might be able to prescribe anti depressants but have looked into that today and it seems they won't do ongoing prescriptions. There doesn't seem to be any way to get them other than through the usual NHS GP but I will carry on trying to think of a (legal) way.

I hate it that he's absorbed all the social stigna crap around mental health. I have tried telling him that it's like diabetes. You don't blame someone if their pancreas packs up and they need insulin, why is it a failing if your brain chemistry goes a bit wobbly?

Stinkypants, emailing to describe the problem is a very good idea. So good to hear that it worked out well for him. And misty, I will look at those resources, good idea. How is your husband doing now?

Thank you all. I'm so glad to hear from other people, but sorry you've had a hard time of it too :0(

I know the answer is not as simple as reading a book , but I would highly recommend Dr Tim Cantopher's book "depressive illness--the curse of the strong". He also featured on radio two Jeremy Vine's show a while back that you can maybe access on-line.

His approach is very refreshing--the main point he makes is that depressed people are strong, not "weak", but they tend to use that strength to struggle on until something gives. He's a psychiatrist and there's a lot in the book about brain chemistry. I think it might appeal to a male reader IYSWIM.

Cleanthatroomnow, this can be very difficult. I found myself in a similar, but not identical situation, a few years ago. The person in question fitted the "use that strength to struggle on until something gives" description very well. I began to think that he had been depressed for many years, perhaps all his life, but was strong enough to cope with all the difficulties life threw at him. People used to say (jokingly) that he would be the "last person standing" in terms of mental health. He did seek private help in the end, with good results.

Wow, your message rings so many bells with me. I have been with my OH for ten years and from the very start it was clear to me that he needed to speak to someone about his anxiety and depression. He point blank refused to seek help for much the same reasons you (rightly) suspect - fear of social stigma, fear of somehow being less than a man etc. So he/we struggled on and things got worse before they got better. He used alcohol and cannabis to self medicate/block out his feelings and ended up having a full-blown nervous breakdown three years ago which ended in hospitalisation in a mental health institution. This is the point at which he saw the light and it has been a long struggle since then to finally deal with long-buried feelings and the root causes of his depression. He is now substance-free and we take every day as it comes but having the courage to face your demons and be honest is very powerful and healing. Obviously this is more extreme than your situation but the earlier he accepts help the better. Mind are a good source of information and advice but depending on the part of the country you live in they can be oversubscribed and there can be a waiting list for counselling. NHS mental health services are also stretched and we have found we have had to really fight to get anything. My health insurance has filled the breach until now but have made it clear that they won't continue to fund any more treatment. My advice would be to try and get private counselling if you can afford it - then you feel in control of the process and get it started asap.

Aware this might not be hugely helpful for your original question of how to convince him to seek help. Mental health issues are tricky and can take a long time to address but the faster he realises he needs to accept help the better it will be. Do not underestimate the effect his moods and depression have on you - it is easy to forget yourself when someone you love is depressed. I have recently found a counsellor who has helped me to see that I need to ask for help too. Otherwise anger and resentment can fester and make things worse. A book I wish I had read ten years ago is 'Co-dependent no more'. It is important that you approach this as a unit. He needs help but you are affected too - even if you feel strong and in control and protective if him - you will need a strong support network around and nurturing you. Happy to speak privately if you need x

I should back up Snowmonkey77's recent post by warning that the public services can, indeed, be over-stretched and that this can slow the process down. At least this is what we found in the SW area (Bristol, etc.). Private help can cost, but in the case I described above it was worth “throwing the savings at it”. Good luck with it one way or another.

Hi, OP your original post rings so so true with myself and my partner right now.. I know this was from years ago but did he ever accept help? Thanks

Could you maybe start by suggesting a website like CALM? That’s specifically aimed at men xx