New appointment for bpd tonight ....

[Borderliner]

I'm talking about borderline personality disorder.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago and it's all related to my mum leaving our family when I was 12. I've been nc for 8 years (though have seen her at my gran's funeral and brother's wedding in that time).

I'd fantastic therapy a few years ago, but in the last few months my symptoms have returned. I've had to go back on antidepressants and now also antipsychotics. I'm not sleeping, I'm dissociating (out of body feeling) and also drinking too much.

Despite being "known to service" it's going to take 8-10 weeks for referral unless I walk into A&E and lie about being suicidal.

So we've gone against all our principals about the NHS being free and I'm seeing a private psychiatrist at our local Priory clinic/hospital tonight.

I'm desperate, I can't go on like this. I've not been actively suicidal for 5 years but the feeling is creeping back, I need to be able to look after my dc (upper primary/lower secondary age), I need to be able to go to work (currently signed off - I'm a teacher). I don't want to cope by drinking, or by being "out" all day. I don't want to have to take pills that will turn me into a zombie for the rest of my life.

I want to be the together, creative, loving, nice, sober, fun, lovely person I know is in there somewhere!

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I suppose someone to tell me it'll be ok and I can do this!!

You are taking the first step :) Have you done DBT? It is the main treatment for BPD at the moment.

Lots of luck for your appointment.

I'm not "suitable" for dbt or other group therapies (I'm an awkward, difficult bitch!)

Schema therapy has helped a lot. My symptoms are very much less than last time it flared. But right now I'm very "out of body" and addiction issues are a big problem. I've a fabulous relationship with my dh (it's the only relationship apart from with dc I've not deliberately sabotaged) and he's done the bits I've asked him to in order to arrange this appointment - phone calls are a huge issue for me, and I'm iatrophophic (an irrational fear of doctors/hospitals/clinical settings).

Currently my dissociation is an issue and my addiction to alcohol.

I need to be a good mum, a great wife, a good teacher.

This is not how I want to be! So I'm getting help. But I'm terrified!!

I have no experience of this excepting having worked in the nhs in mh - so understand the system & about the impact of poor patenting on bpd. like you feel v strongly about the nhs & I also think doing what is right for you over rides everything so that you can get back on track. You are taking the first step & taking control. You will do it as you've done it before & you are starting from a better place. Good luck with your appointment & I hope that the two of you (& your dh) working together will get you to where you want to be. (& the great thing about a private therapist is if that relationship doesn't click for you it's easier to change.)

I am surprised at not being suitable for DBT, I am doing it at the moment (so very boring) and there are people in my group who seem quite unstable. I am not saying you are not telling the truth, just surprised :)

I think getting help is always scary but it is the first step on the road to recovery.

You have beaten this before and you can beat it again. Hang in there.

Hope appointment helpful.

On the NHS the dbt therapy in groups is highly recommended so may be worth asking for a second opinion on this?

Does the NHS offer you any other treatments or assessments to help you - being under a team to support recovery etc? Could you ask work to refer you to OH if you thought that might improve your NHS treatment? Or if they can refer for you?

Sorry to hear things have got worse. Do you know if there is a reason for this ( stress etc) that hopefully will soon go or can be addressed.

There is another therapy for BPD called MBT. Mentalization Based Therapy. And I am a success story. While I will always have BPD this therapy has given me ways to deal with it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and almost destroyed me however I made it.

OP can your GP not refer you to the Crisis Team?