Anxious about my future with PND

[CarrotsAndApples]

I have felt anxious and low for a long time - over 5 years. Much of my sadness is linked to traumatic events and surgery after the births of my two children. I hide it inside and nobody knows - but when it overwhelms me I can't cope and wish I wasn't here any more.

Thanks to MN I was finally brave enough to see my GP last summer, who diagnosed PND and prescribed Sertraline. But I wasn't able to tell anyone else in real life (including DH) and never returned for the prescription, thought I could manage on my own, but have found myself getting worse.

I can't bear the reality of me being depressed and needing treatment - as long as nobody knows I can ignore it and pretend. But I do want to get better and went to GP today - have Sertraline and CBT referral. I need to find some bravery to

1. tell DH
2. get through family funeral
3. start Sertraline even though I'm terrified of side effects and getting worse before I get better.

Sorry for the essay. Please tell me your success stories. I want to believe I'm doing the right thing.

Hello Carrots

Please find someone you trust to tell a good GP or your H. Once it becomes real it's much easier.

I was you. After my 2nd child got PND almost immediately. I ignored it because I didn't think it was PND as I didn't have bonding issues but I was a mess. Told no one and hid it from my H and friends.

At one point I too went to doctor at one point and he suggested meds and I went away and never went back.

6monthslater I was so bad I was wanting to jump in front of every train, off bridges etc so I caved and went to GP (nice female one) and accepted the meds. That was 6 mths ago.

Once I told the gp, work and eventually my H it's been easier to accept. It's a long road but you are not alone.

Please keep posting.

About the side effects ( I have Sertraline too ). I as feeling so bad that I was prepared for anything and it was ok. First week rocky but after that I suddenly felt a tiny bit better.

When is the funeral ?

OP, you need to just bite the bullet and take the ads. They will worsen your symptoms for maybe 2 weeks max (in my experience) but if they then start working, surely it's worth the short term pain. Think of it like this, you feel like shite already so you're only guaranteeing yourself another 2 weeks of shite before you might start to see small glimmers of hope. It wont be easy, you could be on them for a long time but they can work wonders, you owe it to yourself to get better. I've just finished 15 sessions of cbt and it was very good so do pursue that too. One thing my therapist said was that taking ads as well as the cbt could be really beneficial, particularly if your pnd symptoms are quite 'physical' (for me, they are) because you cant realistically practice some of the cbt techniques in real life if your body / head not calm. That made sense to me. For what it's worth, I've had pnd with both my dcs and am due dc3 in 2 weeks. This time around i just thought fuck that, i am going to do all i can to try to manage the almost guaranteed pnd that lies ahead. My gp agreed for me to take ads from the day of delivery so i have my prescription ready, plus the cbt has helped me alot. I am still shitting myself to be honest but feel so much better in myself because at least I've tried to do something about it. Don't underestimate the power of that feeling, as in just the fact you've taken steps to get better will make you feel more positive about yourself generally, and ultimately will help with the pnd. Lastly, i think you need to tell your dh. You can keep it low key, you don't have to present it as some big drama (unless you want to!), these days lots of women get pnd and its not the massive taboo it once was- so.something along the lines of 'Haven't been feeling like I'm coping, gp said these might help'. I would be v surprised if your dh hadn't noticed, he might be relieved you've recognised it yourself. Best of luck with the journey ahead.

I really should have read your post properly.

You have done the right thing. Take both meds and cbt as a life line.

Good for you doing that without any other support. It's a big step x

Thanks for replies - I really appreciate it. You sound like you have had positive outcomes which makes me hopeful too :-)

Funeral is tomorrow, which I am worried about. Planning to start Sertraline on Sunday. May tell DH tonight if I am brave enough? Makes me feel a bit sick - I don't feel strong enough or worthwhile enough.

GP (lovely) says it would be good to tell someone in real life. I have to see her again in two weeks.

Please tell your husband, I couldn't have got through my pnd without the support mine gave me- sometimes I used to ask him literally 100 times a day if I was going to be ok, and he'd reply patiently each and every time. Sometimes you don't need to talk? You just need someone beside you who knows, and accepts what's happening. It's an illness at the end of the day, and nothing to be ashamed of xx

Hi Carrots.

All the best for the funeral. Good choice to start the meds after that I think. I found the first couple of days hazy and that wont help you tomorrow.

Do you have any reasons for being reluctant to share this with your H?

I really do understand your reluctance to tell your him. I didnt want to tell mine as I he doesnt really 'do' depression and I didnt want to become an extra burden.

In the end I told him when i started the drugs because I felt he should know about drugs of that kind. Then I didnt mention it again and neither did he. No idea why.

It all came to a head recently and I was very explicit about how bad things are and the sucidal feelings and he was ok about it. Its made it all real and I can accept the situation rather than trying to ignore it and not make any road to recovery.

I've also now told work and thats helped as Im not pretending all the time now.

I dont mean to keep making my posts about me but I hope that by shareing my experience it may help you

Hi MaryAnn - good luck with DC3. I agree that taking positive action is a powerful feeling - sounds like you have lots of well thought out plans in place. Last year when I first went to the GP it was almost impossible for me to walk in the door, but I felt quite elated and strong afterwards. It was like i used up all my energy on getting there though, and crumpled during the weeks after. Has taken me almost a year to go back for 2nd appt.

Hi Chicken - thanks for advice - good to hear real life egs, it helps. Hesitation about not telling DH is several parts I think. Firstly I have kept these feelings buried and squashed for so long (not always successfully) they are mine. I am not someone who talks about emotions, ever, to anyone. If I tell him I have to bring the feelings into reality. Secondly he isn't in a great place to be helpful mentally - hates his job, negative about the future - probably a bit depressed too. I don't want to be a burden to him, another problem. I CAN imagine telling him though - for a long time that seemed impossible. Prob on Sunday with meds? I can rationalise that it is logical he should know about the meds.

Hi InTheWoods - thanks, I do want DH to know, just don't want to have to physically tell him IYKWIM. On more positive days I can see it would be helpful for him to know. Glad you found it helpful.

Carrots, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you realise you are not alone, and you will get better. I'm not just saying this, you will, but you need to take advice

First, could you write down what you want to say to your dh? It might help start the conversation, and you can be sure to say things the way you want. At the least write a list of what you want to say.

Second, there is a book by Dr Tim Cantopher which is like a bible to me (no offence intended, only in the metaphorical sense). It is called Depression: The Curse of the Strong. You will find it hugely helpful and encouraging, especially on the benefits of taking medication. It might also really help your dh (and anybody else you talk to) as it is very good at explaining what depression is (a physical problem) and the difference between 'being depressed' in the casual sense and depressive illness.
I recently found an excellent summary which you could start with, here: www.alisonwagner.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Depressive-Illness-Curse-of-the-Strong.docx

I resisted ads for a long time because I thought I could do it alone, taking them was weak, people would think less of me, that I would descend into a chemical fug, and so on. When I gave in the first didn't suit me, but I tried again and now have a wonderful ad which has given me five years of feeling fabulous, including days when I'm down or p-d off with life, but not Depressed. I am having a tough time again, but as you will I have a fantastic support network of friends and professionals and I know it will pass much more quickly, and that this time I will be stronger again, one reason being I've started regular mindfulness meditation practice, which when you start getting well I hugely recommend.

It takes time, but you are a strong intelligent person (Cantopher will explain how I know this ;) ) and with time, support and rest you will be better.

Take good care.

carrots how are you getting on? Thinking of you lots. Take good care. Remember this is a chemical problem and you will get better. If it's hard to believe (I know it is), keep saying it anyway

Thanks for checking in Scarecrow - I'm ok. Feel calmer as got through funeral and back to work.

Haven't told DH yet - very stressed with his job and is away until late Wed - so I've decided to wait and start Sertraline then (Thurs) so I'm not on my own with kids etc. Off for a few days with work rota so better for me too. Fingers crossed.

That is a really good plan. I understand how hard it is, but you are amazing to be thinking so clearly. Please tell someone though: most if not all these ads make you feel funny at first, possibly a few days, maybe a little longer. It's a sign that they are working, in a twisted way! At the very least I'm sure there are others on Sertralene here on MN who can advise and support you. It would be great if you can tell dh too: I would suggest it will be better in the long run if you tell him before you take the first pills as you are not breaching a perceived trust? I don't know you both, so forgive if that is out of place - just I think the more open you can be, the more reassured he might be, and he has the opportunity to support you?

Take good care, and FX you are feeling heaps better in a week or two. It will be a bumpy ride, but you can have some fun along the way.

carrots have you started your meds? If you have or are about to just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and so hope you have been able to.tell dh and you are getting the support you need. make sure you have somebody with you for a few days as it can feel a bit strange. take care

Hi, thanks to everyone who has posted advice. It really does help to know there are people out there.

Took a big step today - told DH and started meds. Feel ok but looking out for side effects.

Thurs DH was back too late from work and kids fussing about school run this morning. So I sent him a msg and it was ok. Hope this is the next step in moving forward.

Carrots, just sending you a hug.

I had pnd from before dd1 (14) was born until dd2 (10) was about 5 (had 12yo ds in the middle!)

Sertraline and therapy changed my life after 10 years of pnd - no matter what please try to get better for your dc!

Thanks weegie - I have really agonised over getting help, kept thinking with time I would improve. Hope it works :-)

Sorry to hear you suffered for so long. But glad you feel better now. Was there anything in particular that made you seek help in the end? Any tips?

carrots I'm so full of admiration for you. You have done a brave thing, and sometimes - many times - it will feel harder than giving in to the depression. But as time passes (most ads take 2-3 weeks to really get to work) you should have more and more good times. You will have dips, and as they get fewer they might be sharper and scared, but that is - oddly - a sign you are improving.

Please keep in touch with GP - if the Sertraline isn't doing what you need insist in seeing a psychiatrist and hopefully they will recommend something better suited to you. And please insist on therapy too. Talk to Mind or a local charity if need be but there is tonnes of evidence ads work best in conjunction with therapy. I had depression on and off for 20 years or more before I got proper help: after a month on ADs I was half better, after another three months including also six sessions of therapy I was really well.

Hope the next few days are not too tough. Please post if we can help. There is also a special thread for people on Sertralene to support each other.

Take care, and well done that woman

Thanks scarecrow. I feel a weird mix of tired but awake. Pleased I took the first 50mg. Going to look for the Cantopher book :-)

DH at work do tonight so haven't spoken for more than 5 mins yet. Sort of hoped he might come home a bit early - but he did ask and I said I would be ok, so my fault I suppose!

Need to make my next GP appt. Think CBT appt will take ages so will look at MIND, thanks.

Got through my day at work. Felt a bit dizzy and eyes a bit "spinny" - made myself eat some lunch and that helped. Tired but ok. Don't want to look for "progress" too soon as I know it will be a long road.

Carrots, sorry for silence. Had full on weekend with my sweet but sun-rising children, no dh and house guests.... Have been thinking of you heaps and was so glad to see updates.
How are you feeling now? Are you getting used to them? I'm even more full of admiration you went to work as I remember feeling totally spacey and peculiar! Hope you have found a copy of Cantopher, and it helps.
Rooting for you :)

Thanks for checking in Scarecrow - hope you had a good week. I'm doing ok - had some good days and some bad. Changes at work which I realised I find hard to cope with.

Some ok time with DH - haven't talked honestly about how bad I feel but there is a crack in the wall which I can look through and feel hopeful about our future. That's quite a positive step. Went round Ikea with no major arguments which is a first!

I need to phone about a CBT letter that has come. Feel a bit weird about talking to someone new about my past. But I hope it will help.

good.to hear your update, I wasn't sure if you'd still be checking the thread (I'm a v irregular MNetter!)
I hope you know that recovery is a bumpy ride. what often happens is the lows get sharper as they get less frequent - but the recovery is also sharp, ie much speedier. Please remember it's the trend line that matters.
CBT can be fabulous, and dies not have to involve a lot of.retrospection: sometimes acknowledging the past is enough and then the CBT should give you skills to stop it from having a bad impact today. It is a practice too, so the more you try to do it the more it will help. I find it hard to say something's and I come out if sessions thinking, what a waste of an opportunity to get help with this. I now write a list of 4 or 5 things I want to discuss and actually refer to it to make sure I have said them all out aloud.
you are ao brave to be confronting this, nobody who hasn't done it can really understand how hard it can be to keep going some times, but the act of (gently) putting up resistance will - I promise - help you get better. And you will get better. And actually be stronger and more self knowing. I actually told a job interviewer for a tough role that I'd had a major breakdown in 2009 but said I thought it made me a better employee because I knew warning signs, have help in place and know how to cope with difficult situations - they were v supportive and I got the job .
make sure you have good times too. On good days plan a treat.
take care xx