This may turn out to be quite long so please don't feel you have to read it or reply, if you do have something to say it would be lovely to here from you if not thats fine to. Like the thread title say i have been feeling down and thinking about things. I am just putting my thoughts down as to get them out of my head a bit. I hope that makes sense.
First off i have been feeling like maybe ds and i 'tie down' dp a bit to much. We are both young and were even younger when we had ds he was planned by both of us. BTW i am 19 dp is turning 21 very soon.
He is a good dad and he's very supportive and does things to help with the day to day care of ds, bathing him, feeding him dressing him ect which i am very greatfull for especially since become pregnant again as some of you know having a 2yr old and being pregnant is tiring.
I have always felt though there is no 'bond' between ds and dp, he doesnt play with him unless i suggest it and family days out ect are never dp's idea always mine and he never seems keen if i suggest going for a day out. It's hard to explain but you will never catch dp saying 'i was thinking we should get ds one of these he'd really like it' or 'lets take ds here' ect.
I find this hard because i don;t know if its a maternal thing but every thought i have when it comes to spending free time or spare money is how it will benifit us as a family where as dp's first thought will always be somthing that will only benifit him. Now im not saying he should never have anything of his own or have time on his own becuase thats rediculous it just upsets me that he never seems to think as if he's a family man, which is strange as he will openly tell you how he hates men that act as if they are single but are part of there own family.
Back to the bonding thing, he never openly hugs or kisses ds again i don;t know if its a maternal thing but i do all the time and i also have no problem putting on silly voices or openly saying 'i love you' to ds where as dp openly admits he finds it hard even though of course he loves ds to peices. But i have also today figured this is no so strange as MIL and dp have no sort of mother son relationship to watch them interact is like watching collegues or something he was never kissed or hugged as a child. Yet he craves affection from me, not just sex, kisses and cuddles aswell but also reasurence that i love him which i tell him all the time. He isnt very confident at all but again i think thats how he was brought up.
Anyway like i said i think we tie hi down i understand he is young we both are and even though we have nere been the type of people wo go out and get drunk or go clubbing i thik sometimes he misses his young free life, all his friends still drive around in fast cars and hang out at the pub and have care free sex when they want with there partners we cannot do that as much being the fact we have bills to pay and soon 2 children to care for. This has never bothered me but i think sometimes dp does wish we were back like that.
I know he loves ds im not saying that and have never thought he doesnt, i know he loves me and im not even contemplating breaking up with him its just a thought i keep having al though talking about it with him he just says, no he's fine and doesnt know how what to do to stop me thinking this and he doesnt know how to bond with us as a family more.
I very rarley get depressed anymore i thik i am today with all the pregnancy hormones in fact as my name suggest im usually quite sunny! But i know dp cant cope with my depression which again im not blaming him for as he has never suffered with it. He is however one of these men that if he can't fix a problem he get annoyed and doesnt want to know, he went out today to MIL's when i calmly told him i was feeling low.
He finds it hard to deal with his feelings though does make off hand comments like he's trying to open up but cant quite manage.
Oh i don't know just a few of my rambling thoughts that popped into my head i know i will be fine tomorrow!
Sorry that was long and mostly crap that didn;t make much sense