What is wrong with me?

[Shewearsdenim]

There is something very wrong and I desperately need to get it out but I cannot articulate it in RL somehow. I apologise in advance for the essay, I just struggle hugely with telling people how I feel, it comes out in clichés or I play it down without meaning too. I am also known as being a firm, assertive and positive person – I am not those things all the time but no one really knows that apart from DP. I need the anonymity of Mumsnet on this one.
I am a Mum of 4 dependent children and I love them very much.

Here is the secret that no one knows. I am sad all the time. When I am alone (rarely) I potter about doing things and cry pretty much constantly. I am also frequently furiously angry – this morning, I muttered in the car about a women who was very slow at a red light. DP disagreed that she was slow and said that she was right to be cautious. I thought she was risk averse based on the speed of the traffic, the space she had. He felt that I would be careless in the same circumstances. This turned into a ridiculous argument that no one could win. I have no idea why it happened – everything was fine. I just get so angry. I don’t understand why. I get furious and then it is over with, leaving me with just the guilt over things I may have said or done.

I have written 3 suicide notes, letters of goodbye really – one to DP, one to my sister and one to my children. I have made a list of things to do ahead of it to minimize the practical jobs that would need to be done. I don’t want to leave my children, I am scared that they will forget me but making it all stop is really appealing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think that I actually want to die but I am slowly checking out of my life somehow. I think I might do it even without thinking about it , my moods can be quite extreme.

I work full time, and am quite successful. I don’t understand how I can hold down a job, maintain friendships, behave well in public and be so different at home. I wonder if that means that nothing about me is real. I struggle with being Passive Aggressive to DP. Its like I am always waiting for him to disapprove of me, I even hear him criticizing when he actually isn’t..I seem to set out to sabotage as much as possible. I started to try to address it last year, I bought a book to try and understand my odd reactions to things (typically miserable childhood, domestic violence between my parents, sexual abuse, name your cliche). I also went through a period a few years ago when I took some time off work with anxiety. To admit that was happening took an awful lot out of me. In a row, DP kind of made fun of the book rowing and implied that I was lazy in taking time off. That comment has stayed with me for the past year. It hurt so so much – I suddenly saw myself as he saw me and it crushed me . I tried to tell him that it had affected me hugely but he doesn’t understand – he doesn’t see how hard it is for me to interact with people as he isn’t like that. You see, lots of people think that they know me really well and that we are great friends, I chat away and am friendly but I actually don’t tell people anything much about me. I can’t seem to do it. I share opinions about things and can describe stuff but not share how I feel. The only emotion I can actually share is anger. I can’t even watch a sad film with DP, as I can’t bear not being able to control my emotions in front of people.

DP started pulling away from me 2 years ago- I think it just got too much for him, I was so mean so often and made him feel bad. He is not perfect and it takes 2 but I am a real handful to be with, my reactions are so extreme. We haven’t had sex for 2 years now. He hasn’t even kissed me in all that time. He can’t even bear to touch me, if I go to hold him he will allow it but its clear he is really put off by me. I have gained weight (I am a 5”7 size 14 now) and know I look different but I don’t think it is that, I am truthfully quite pretty. We have talked about it and he says that until we are friends again, he can’t even consider touching me like that. I think that is contributing to the whole thing as I feel so so alone.
I think there is something wrong with me. I am terrified that this will get worse and worse and I will actually take my own life as the sadness will get too much.

I am not expecting answers from Mumsnet. I just wanted to tell someone something. I have so much to be thankful for and yet am spending more and more time thinking about suicide. I have namechanged, I don’t want to not be able to shoot the breeze on the other boards with this following me.

Please please please go and see your GP and show him/her this post.
You can function (and you are clearly functioning very well) but still be depressed.
Please get help ASAP.

Thank you Blueuggboots for taking the time to reply to the post

(((HUGS))) You sound significantly depressed. It's possible to hold it together at work and in social situations and then fall apart at home because the stress is just too much. Anger is a large part of my depression so I can relate. Please, please do what Blueuggboots says. I have given therapists and a psychiatrist notes to read, it's much easier than talking, especially at a first meeting. Depression is an illness, it can be successfully treated, you need and deserve to be helped. Life can get a whole lot better.

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through and I can relate to some of it. The suffering you experienced as a child is not typical, it is bad, it is serious and it casts a long shadow. I am in my 40s and have had a huge struggle this past year with some of those childhood issues. They don't go away and triggers can open you up to old pain. Those triggers can include having your own children, especially as they reach ages when bad things happened to you.

What you are doing (and I mean this nicely) is minimizing it - saying to yourself "oh all that old stuff, it wasn't that bad, I can cope". I have done this for years too and I'm just like what you describe - a busy, successful coper. But that pain is there underneath and I recognize your feelings.

What your post doesn't mention is the possibility of medical help. Please, OP go and get it - it's waiting for you. When I experienced suicidal thoughts I told the GP and things started moving straight away - I have had so much help, support and kindness. Some medication, some counselling, a lot of crying and I am gradually feeling better and understanding more about what has gone on with me.

You've coped in the ways that have worked best for you and those strategies have done you proud in many ways. But when you hit a wall it is OK to ask for help. You deserve it.

I am afraid to tell anyone what I am thinking. Scared that they won't believe me, scared that all the things that keep me from the edge will be taken away. Mainly I think that they won't believe me and will think it is some sort of over dramatic way to get attention. I am also afraid to admit some of this just in case the answer is actually that yes, I am a bad person and terrible mother. I am not sure how I would cope with that knowledge.

I really appreciate the responses. I am interested in the anger being sign of depression, I have always been volatile so assumed it was a character flaw. Its like 'hit first so they don't hit you'. I can love the children, but with everyone else, I think I am scared to let them see anything real about me in case they use it against me. Ironically, DP is clearly on the verge of leaving precisely because I can't communicate how I feel to him.

I can see how you can feel like that, but it is maybe the not sharing it that is making it so hard for you. People do go to their GP all the time with suicidal feelings and they do get believed and helped. I've been there – I have not lost anything or had anything taken away. I was not disbelieved.

You could print this thread or just your OP and just show it to your DP and/or the GP. If that is too hard at first, the Samaritans might be an option, a way to talk about it knowing no one will know. You've already got started by posting on here which is great.

Shewearsdenim I was so scared the first time I went to my gp about depression and the first time I saw a psychologist, I was shaking. But you know what? Not only did they believe me, they took me very seriously indeed. Gp's see people with depression all the time, it's really more common than you might think.

I have cried many tears because I believed I was a terrible mother. In retrospect I can now see that I was an ill mother who did some terrible things, but essentially I'm good enough. Things were bad at times. DD suffered. I'm sorry about that but all I can do now is work on building a strong bond with her.

I wonder if your anger is to some extent anxiety related? Anxiety and depression can be very complex.

One of my big regrets in life was that I didn't get my depression treated earlier. I think I had depression on and off for 15 years before I sought help, partly because I simply didn't know anything about this illness and partly because I thought my problems were character flaws. That's why I talk to people about it, I want to normalise the idea of depression as an illness so that other people won't be so scared to ask for help.

Can you show your DP this thread? Or is it too much?

I don't think I am ready yet to talk about it in RL. Even thinking about speaking it out loud is making me very anxious. I will try to work up to it though, perhaps show DP some of what I have written down. I don't want it to sound as though I am blaming him for how I feel or that I am trying to bully him into re engaging in our relationships which I suspect he will think is the point. I can't blame him, I have been known to make life hard for him. Part of my PA trait is my need for attention from him, I chase for it and demand it and then when I have it, rubbish it. My book comments that it is quite common for abused children to do that - I would imagine that does not make it easier to live with though.

What do you think will have to change for you to be ready to talk about it? Or at least give a doctor or therapist information like you have in this thread, to read?

Truthfully, I am not sure LastingLight. That might sound like a cop out - after all, why start the thread unless there was a point right? I have never, ever had to sit in front of someone, stranger or a loved one and told them anything like this. My GP referred me to counseling when I was signed of work for a short period but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't commit to the process. The counselor didn't seem very switched on and I felt so much worse after the session that I went twice and that was it. I cannot cry in front of people and I can't talk about it without crying so I am stuck in a kind of loop.

Rationally I know the world won't end if I struggle emotionally in front of people but what usually happens is a waving of my hands, a self deprecating remark and a firm change of subject. Or I turn it into a fight. I am not much good at this really am I.

I am sorry to be negative. I am honestly trying to be truthful in my responses so I can think about what I am saying and re read it etc but I seem to have turned into one of those annoying folks from AIBU who ask for views and then always say 'Yes, but....'

You're judging yourself harshly, which is very normal in your situation. By thinking about talking about it though, you are taking steps in the right direction.

Don't worry about it sounding like a cop out or being negative. I've been there, done that and after 12 years of treatment I still have to force myself to tell professionals exactly what is going on in my life. At least one issue I have never been able to articulate.

I agree with BeeBlanket, you are being very hard on yourself. This is something I've often been told as well. Do you feel like you have no choice and if you just try harder, just manage to do some things differently, everything will turn out ok? But if it doesn't it's all your fault? I've felt that way. It's not true, I think it's what happens when someone who is very independent, private and stubborn gets depression. You first of all have to admit to yourself that you have a problem and need help. This is very hard to do. Keep trying though because the only way to get to the point of asking for help is to either fall so far that you hit rock bottom, or to become convinced that you have to seek help before you get to that point.

Keep posting here, being able to "talk" to people on MN is good practice for sharing what is happening. And at the risk of repeating myself, do remember that you can give a doctor a piece of paper to read, you don't have to go in and immediately verbalise what all your problems are.

You poor love

See your gp asap OP, you sound very depressed and they can help x

Thank you all for being so nice to me. I really appreciate it. In answer to LastingLights question, I think I do feel that I should be more in control. It all feels as though my problems start with me and therefore I should be able to fix them, if only I could be better somehow. If I could change myself to be better.

If one of your children had pneumonia, would you say to him that he can fix it himself, all he needs is some self control and the will to get better? Or would you take him to a doctor for medication, maybe to a physio as well to help clear his lungs? What you have is an illness like pneumonia. You don't have a common cold that will go away by itself. You need to face up to the fact that you must seek help, just like you would for that kid with pneumonia. This is not a sign of personal weakness. Overcoming your fear of exposing yourself to someone else is a sign of immense strength. You can do it. You are successful in other areas of your life, you can be successful in this as well.

OP. You are most definitely depressed. The bouts of crying I remember so well. The wanting to die but not because you do , but because you can't see any other way for things to get better.

I can also tell you why you get angry. It's the depression. I remember the doctor telling me that when I said I wasn't depressed.

You need to go to your gp. You have absolutely nothing to lose in doing so. You already want to die so the gp can't be any worse. He or she will help you.

Back in January I was where you are now and it's hell. In fact I was so badly depressed I started to think I was actually in hell. I wanted things to get better right away and each day they didn't I broke down. I don't want to describe any further the torment I was in , it upsets me even now and it upsets me to think of any body going through that. Even people I don't like.

The fact was , once I accepted I needed help and sought it , things began to get better. Not over night , it's been a process. But I went to the doctors. Got sent to crisis team. Started on antidepressants and received counselling , like you I have had every cliche in the book and most people that suffer trauma young find it surfaces in later life.

I don't know what the situation is with your DP. I feel angry with him as it doesn't sound as though he is being supportive. However it is very very hard on those who love you to cope with watching someone going through depression. They can often feel helpless. Frustrated that they can't do anything and frustrated with you even. We are all only human. I also think that people that have never experienced severe depression just don't understand that the sufferer can't just pull themselves together.

You need to try and talk to him. Take him to the gp with you if it will help him understand. Depression is horribly lonely , I used to walk about hugging a teddy bear all day. You need support around you as well as medical support.

The hardest part of all is that the chances are slim anyone is going to appear and save you. You HAVE to make the first moves yourself. GP first of all. If he offers you antidepressants please do take them. They really did save me as terrified as I was to take them.

After that you need to secure some counselling for yourself. Ask your GP or if you really have to , find a private counsellor. Talking does help. You can't open up just now but if the gp decides meds are the best way forward they will help you enough to start opening up.

And like me , you are very hard on yourself. I wish I knew the answer to that but I still beat myself up a lot. What do you think to yourself when you look in the mirror? Are you kind to yourself?

I promise you OP , things WILL get better. The depression is cruel in that it won't allow you to see that just now but it really will. You just have to take those first few steps. You are strong , you are managing four children and working , same as I was. You can do this.

X

Going by what you have described I would consider you to be severely depressed.

You don't need to talk if you are not ready, if you print off your OP and take it to your GP they will be able to start the ball rolling and you can do things at your own pace.

Things will get better, please seek help.

Thank you LastingLight for the comparison between how I feel and a physical illness. I have never considered myself as ill..just wrong, if you see what I mean? Celestria, thank you very much for your post, it sounds as though you have been in a similar place. I am glad to read that you are recovering - I too would not wish this feeling on anyone. In answer to your questions about being kind to myself, I don't know if I am or not. I certainly know how lucky I am and am proud of my achievements but I don't give myself a good deal of thought a lot of the time. I think your comment about being angry with DP is OK except I have never asked him for help or support. I don't think either of us have ever really considered me as being ill...expect for those occasions when my reactions are 'off' and then he will tend toward saying I am mentally ill. So admitting I might be is like saying 'you win, I am always wrong cos I am ill'.

I'm a part time psychology student so apologies in advance if this sounds like a lecture, I hope that a different perspective might help you. We went through a period in medicine where it was thought that mind and body are completely separate and you treated mental illness as something different from physical illness. This has changed and is changing still as we realise that mind and body influence each other recursively. Your habitual patterns of thought are wired into your brain and that wiring can change if you (with other people's help if necessary) change your thinking. Likewise, medication that influence levels of neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain can help you feel calmer, more serene and clearer thinking.

It's not a case of you're ill, therefore you must always be wrong, therefore you lose. The fight should not be between you and dp, it should be between you and the depression with dp on your side. Could it work if you said to him "DP, I am unhappy with my life and the way in which I relate to you and the kids. I constantly feel sad and angry and I want to do something about that but I'm really scared. I've decided to see my gp and ask for help, will you please support me? Right now I'm not sure what I need but as things become clearer I would like to keep talking to you about it. Would that be ok?"

Hi denim. It sounds tough- but there is some fantastic advice on here. You are ill- and like a broken leg you can recover. Please find a way to access help- and keep talking on here. Some very wise words

There has been some wonderful comments on here Lasting - your advice has been wonderful and your perspective very welcome, not at all lecturing. I would like to be a positive person. I would dearly like to enjoy life and appreciate my good fortune in so many things. I feel that telling someone, even on the internet, has been a good step forward. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you have replied to me and shared your experiences.

I'm glad that you've found this thread helpful and I hope it will be encouragement for you to also get help irl.

OP, are you aware of the depressive condition called dysthymia? One trait of this is that you can carry on a seemingly normal life from an external point of view, eg hold down a job, but internally are constantly depressed, which seems to be an aspect of your experience from your description. Also it is very long-term so that you can see no other way of being. If you don't know of it, it might be worth checking.

I found about it on here & believe I have it, which I told my GP resulting in being under the care of a psychiatrist-- it was a huge thing for me but the fact I could say effectively just the one sentence along the lines of "I think I have a depressive condition called dysthymia" rather than having to say lots of stuff about being depressed made it easier, as I would normally brush off anything like that if asked. I really hope you can get the ball rolling to start feeling better.