How do you deal with the guilt of PND?

[PNDmum]

I don't really know where to start with this and don't want to give you a long, garbled, confusing history, so will attempt to keep it to relevant facts. Apologies if I miss something important. I've also name changed as I'm posting some identifying information and I have lots of family and friends lurking around MN

I've had a history of depression for many years now, and have buried my head in the sand and pretended everything was fine but it all came to a head when DD2 was born. I didn't like her and I thought she hated me. She was finally diagnosed with reflux, colic and a milk intolerance, DD1 was just 14 months and I was still going through the same issues with her. DD2 was in constant pain and hated being put down, birth injuries meant that I couldn't just put her in a sling so was carrying her around all day or would be pinned to the sofa cuddling her

Then when she was 4 months old I had a seizure. I wasn't allowed to drive and because of where we lived, was completely cut off from everything and everyone. We didnt even have a corner shop, post office or park I could walk to, we were literally in the middle of nowhere with horses, cows and sheep for neighbours. I was thrown into a deep dark depression, however it was during this time I finally got help. DD2 is now 2.3 and with the help of therapy I'm doing so much better and am in a much better place.

4 weeks ago I gave birth to DS1, he is an amazingly good little boy who is completely different from his sisters! he feeds really well, sleeps really well, I can put him down easily and there is no signs of the colic, reflux or the intolerances that both his sisters suffered with.

After I gave birth to him I was left alone in the delivery room with him. I got him dressed and just watched him for a good 10 minutes, I was flled with complete love for him and was amazed at this little boy who had just been in my tummy. the the guilt hit me for the first time. Suddenly I was thrown back to just after DD2 was born, I was remembering the dark room, how unhappy and confused I was after her traumatic birth and how difficult I found it all. How I didnt want to hold her or look at her after the birth, I just wanted to leave her and go home.

Since then when I do little things with DS1 I am thrown back to a similar time with DD2 and the guilt is all encompassing and overwhelming. For example, shopping for clothes for him, I felt sad because I wanted to buy him all these really cute little outfits but the practical part of my brain took over and decided babygros were the way to go. Suddenly this memory came back and I was right back there. I remembered not wanting to get DD2 dressed, I kept her in babygrows because I wasn't interested in her clothes or what she was wearing, she was just an inconvenience to me.

Its little silly things like this, I know I was ill, very ill and now I'm better - or at least on the track to being better.

When these 'flashbacks' come (I'm not sure how else to describe them but it certainly feels like a flashback) I struggle to differentiate between how I felt about DD2 then and how I feel about her now. I often get annoyed at her or am quite short with her when she does something wrong when ordinarily I wouldn't be, it takes time for me to 'come back' I guess and I know this isn't fair on her.

How do I deal with the guilt, these flashbacks and move on from this horrible time?

Can you ask for more help from the peri natal mental health team? Or talk to your health visitor as I am sure they have lot of mums who struggle ( and I think tiny babies mean lack of sleep which for me makes everything worse) and could reassure you or signpost you to relevant support groups or courses?

Be kind to yourself. How would you advise someone else in your position? Can you allow yourself to really feel sorry for the you that was ill and unhappy? You're doing well now, and your children are all loved - you've made it through.

I know not feeling guilty is difficult, but there's nothing to be gained from it here. You are moving onwards, and that's nothing to feel bad about.

Oh Angel,
Congratulations on your DS1!

It is so hard, I am so totally aware of how you are feeling. You can't change the way things happened with DD2 but you can be kind to yourself.

If you had been suffering from a physical illness you would be much more likely to be easier on yourself. You were ill! It isn't your fault and it isnt DD2's I am sure that you are a fab mum to her and to your other children alike. and perhaps because you are feeling guilty you feel more aware when you get cross with her as opposed to DD1.

For me, I have found being open with DS1 and saying from time to time that I am aware that I didnt always get it right when he was a baby and I hope he has happy memories of being a small child. He is 10 and just cuddles me and says he doesn't remember but he knows I love him.

I was very poorly and I can never get that time back. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I sob for a while and then I look at my fabulous 10 year old boy and realise the problem is mine not his - he is fine and happy.

Can I suggest that if you still have access to your therapist that you have a refresher appointment, the birth of your DS has jumbled things up and you just need a comfortable safe space to explore it all.
Be gentle with yourself x

Really holey? When I had the original seizure I had ct scans and light flashing tests where I ha to stay awake for 24 hours and they couldn't find what happened. It was put down to exhaustion and I was given the all clear.

The flashbacks are just memories and feelings. I'm fully aware of what's going on around me, but not fully aware of my own feelings if that makes sense.

Thanks strumpers, it's good to know I'm not alone and there are others that struggle with guilt. I've been thinking about going to see the therapist again but, well, the last session I had wasn't exactly a good session and I guess I'm worried about returning. I was always meant to go back once ds was born, but after our last session I'm not sure she's the right therapist for me.

It's normally completely out of the blue when I'm doing something else (like shopping for baby clothes in sainsbury or putting the carrycot on the pushchair - both happened on Friday)

It lasts maybe a minute or 2 other symptoms include anxiety, feeling shakey after I often feel dizy or light headed (however I often feel dizy and light headed and go to pass out, that's not unusual for me aparantly I have low blood pressure)

Wow, I had no idea. Thank you, I'll look into this further, now all I need to do is tell dh. In my typical way I've been hiding all this from him and pretending it's all fine. I it really is more seizures I need to tell him [worried]

Well I just sent dh this thread. We've agreed that I need to see the dr. I don't quite know where to start with what to tell them so I think I'll get te thread printed off and get them to read it and see what they think.

The flash backs haven just started since ds was born, they've been happening since the first seizure, flash backs to dd2's pregnancy which was a difficult one, flashbacks to the birth etc. It's always been about dd2 and her pregnancy, birth and now the PND I've just always put it down to PND and recovering from that, and have had my therapist to talk to since then. It's something I'll definitely peruse with the dr. Thank you so much for pointing it out, I had no idea it could be seizures (and after your first post thought don't be redicilous how can flash backs be more seizures!) the link makes interesting reading and I'm off to make a drs appointment for ASAP.

Oh I sympathise so much.

Like you I have been depressed for many years but never sought help and when I went to the GP with severe anxiety once before I had children I was told there was nothing I could do and I just deal with it basically. It flared up seriously after DD was a year old and I was given seroxat. But I took myself off it after 6 months beacuse I thought I was alright. Looking back that was a mistake - I can clearly remember times when I lost it with my son (he is 2 yrs older than DD), I remembered screaming at him, chasing him up stairs yelling at him ..... makes me sick. But at the same time I loved him unrestrainedly and I felt nothing like that for DD. I have clear image of sitting on the sofa and DD coming to sit next to me and my heart sinking because it was her not him. I fought that feeling and made extra effort to spend time with her and build a bond - it worked and we have a good relationship now. When things were at their worst DH was working long long hours and I was looking after both of them along most of the time with a fulltime job. Seems like a nightmare now.

Although their lives were good in the sense that they were shown love, kept warm, fed and clean and their home was largely calm and ordered, I have this sinking feeling that I damaged them both in different ways. In the dark hours when I can't sink I wonder if DS1 did badly at school because of it, I wonder if DD strives so endlessly hard because she is alway seeking approval, I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. ... pointlessly.

I am glad you are going to seek help. Whatever you may have felt about your DDs then, this is where you are now and you are actively addressing the issues. When I am beating myself up really badly I try to think 'I did my best with what I had at the time'.

Hi OP,
I can really relate to what you're saying. I have only one DD, but I had horrible PND with her, and have recently had a relapse (she's 3.7). I think it was brought on my a very difficult period with her when I was getting to the end of my tether, and it reminded me of that 'out of control' feeling I had with PND. I suddenly felt my bond dissolving and started to question if I actually loved her. I'm much better now (still have the odd bad day) and our bond is coming back. But whenever I feel any negativity towards her I feel the PND under the surface. I don't think I'll ever properly stop feeling sad about my PND. A couple of mums have just got back to work after maternity leave and have been crying in the office, but when I came back 3 years ago I just felt relief. So what I'm trying to say is that there are daily reminders of it, but like other posters have said, it's not your fault and soon you'll get to the point where you can rememeber it wihtout feeling guilty. xxx