Stress?

[JonesTheSteam]

Not sure I'm in the right place.

DH had an affair which I discovered after Christmas. He ended it straight away and although there's been a few wobbles along the way, we have reached a good place and I have lots of hope for the future.

The OW works with him and has started contacting him via work email. He has told her how much he loves me, regrets the affair etc. but she keeps saying she needs a friend to talk to as she has noone. She's also threatened to make DH's work life difficult when he insisted on no contact.

He has just started ignoring her attempts now. It upsets me he didn't completely to start with but I think there was guilt about hurting her and some residual feelings for her. Those feelings have completely gone now. I don't need a LTB response as I am certain he loves me and doesn't want to leave me and wants nothing to do with the OW.

I am not dealing with it well, however. I can't get out of bed today. I can't stop crying. Work looms after half term off. I am a teacher.

It's reopened the wound for me and I feel dreadful. Sick to my stomach and heartbroken. It's like I'm starting the grieving for my marriage all over again.

Is this just a normal reaction to the shit I'm going through? I'm tempted to go and see my GP tomorrow as I really don't feel I can get through tomorrow without breaking down. Is he likely to sign me off or should I just suck it up and deal...

Hi Jones,

I was a poster on your original thread after Christmas.

It's so good to read about you and DH being in a good place and having lots of hope for the future.

Sorry that you feel as though you have hit rock bottom due to these e-mails, just hold on to how far yo have come in the relatively short time of 6 months or so.

Sorry - posted too soon.

I'm not sure about what you should do re the doctors, sorry. But just wanted to say hang on in there, and see how you feel in the morning.

Hi it sounds awful.

Would being at home help you? Or would keeping busy at work be a useful distraction?

Dr's can sign people off work but they can also give fit notes - eg reduced hours or duties as well. They can signpost you to short term counselling ( usually 6 or so sessions, sometimes in a group, or online or on the phone), or medication. As you know there are specific causes to how you are I would personally say it is normal reaction to a horrid situation - it is if it affects you so you cannot manage without medical support that you can benefit from a gp appointment.

Regarding your dh if the OW is putting things in text or emails I would keep them all filed for evidence for work if she indeed carries out her threat. Is there anyone at work - a union rep, a manager that your dh can seek advice from? Sounds a nasty person if using threats to get what they want. I would find that worrying so perhaps agreeing a plan of what your dh will do - refuse to talk with her, if she is needing someone to talk to he can signpost ( in email so have it for evidence?) to his work's hr dept or if they have a work counselling service. Or he can email her the names of charities she can go to find someone to talk to. It is up to people to make their own friends. And if she threatens anymore definitely seek professional advice. Perhaps posting on employment area would get useful feedback on how to do this?

Oh Jones. I've been following your thread from the start.

What you need to remember is that you and your dh are in a good place and are strong. The OW is the one with the issue. Your dh is telling you about it and keeping you informed.

He can't change her reaction to him and nor can you but you can change how you deal with it (cheesy I know). She is no threat to your marriage anymore. I know it's incredibly hard but you will have these blips. This is a test. Your dh has told you all about it, that's worth everything in my book.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

DH and I are in a good place. I think he struggled initially after the affair with feeling something for her still and only admitted that this week, which has upset me too. I was kind of expecting it in some ways, that he would still have his feelings for her and I'm disappointed that he didn't tell me.

We have had a lovely month or so of reconnecting, spending lots of time together and I am so angry with him for even replying to her stuff but I think he thought he could 'manage' it as long as he was just being a friend. I could see a massive change in him about a month ago and last night he said that he feels like he has fallen in love with me all over again.

If he is guilty of anything this time it's of king of 'ignoring' the bits of her emails where she talked about her feelings for him etc. rather than just dealing with it by saying get stuffed love. He just chose not to allude to them in his replies and talk about other inane stuff.

He hasn't reciprocated but maybe has been a bit cowardly. He is genuinely a lovely guy who wouldn't hurt a fly (yeah, yeah, I hear you all say!) and I think he hates that he has hurt her too. So was trying to be just a friend.

He knows he can't now.

I did manage to stop crying and get out of bed; we took our toddler for a walk, bought some sandwiches and had a picnic in the garden. I've even managed to do some work for tomorrow and feel much better so maybe it is just a minor setback which seemed enormous earlier.

Thanks again. Sorry this reply was soooo long...

I'm glad your day got better.

I would give some thought to telling his HR department about her comments regarding making his work life difficult.

It might be an idea to flag it up with them just in case she does cause any problems.

I know it's not ideal that HR know about his affair but it might be a price worth paying if it means he can distance himself from her completely without worrying about repercussions at work.

He can then continue to focus on you both as a couple without her lurking in the background.