I have often wondered

[noexcuseiammental]

Why people post that they might kill themselves online and I have always thought it is attention seeking. I have tried to help but there as always been that niggly feeling in the back of my mind.

I thought tonight would be the night but I am clinging on to some hope somewhere, the crisis team have refered me back to the GP as I am not in need. The samaratians have told me to look at the wonderful things in my life.

I mean Jesus Christ I was not threatening suicicde when they saw me so I must be fine. What sense does that make.

I have lots of lovely things in my life but the overwhelming darkness is all consuming. I tried to explain and have recieved fuck all back.

Can you hang on to the thought that you will not feel like this forever? That it will get better?
Just get through the next minute/hour/day?

There are usually specialist MH nurses in all A+E departments 24/7 - please go there before you harm yourself.

No I am really struggling

I have been to A&E before and its the same response I am not at risk. Unless I actually harm myself I am fine. Thinking about it doesn't count

I have cut myself and that was the reason I got referred to the crisis team and they have said since its not serious there is no worry

It depends why you cut yourself: is it a release or an attempt to kill yourself??
Please go back to A+E if you are in danger of seriously hurting yourself and contact the crisis team again if daylight does not bring some relief.

You will not always feel this low. You won't.

I tried to contact the crisis team at about 5pm because I have been referred back to the GP I no longer can recieve their services

I don't mean to be rude but I have been hearing that now for five months and nothing has been achieved other than making me believe that people don't believe me and the way forward is to shove pill down my throat and as the shrink said when it stops working we can up the dose

Are you taking any ADs at the moment? They can help…
What about therapy?
Are you currently seeing a MH socialist?

I am on streline (sp) at the moment

I am on the waiting list

I am on the waiting list

Ah, crap, yes, the waiting list

Is it Sertraline you take? It's a good AD and might just be what you need to get yourself out of this deep hole and start benefitting from therapy.

A dose increase is a reasonable thing to suggest - don't dismiss it out of hand.

You sound v fed up and feel unsupported - sorry you are having to go through this.
Depression is a wanker.

I hope you get some sleep tonight and that tomorrow is a bit better.

Yes that is the one 50mg

I was very against going on Antid's due to an addictive personaliatiy, the doctor assured me that this would not happen blah blah blah I only went on them because myself and my partner agreed we could manage my depression up to a point. We got to the point and I am now on them, maybe hoping for a mircial cure with them. I am not sure.

I use to be a manager earning a good wage and now I am sitting here not being able to sleep because I am worried about finances knowing damn well that if I died my partner and my son would be set up for life

If you died, maybe - but their lives would be destroyed too.
If you killed yourself, no insurance is likely to pay out.
Your family is never better off without you - that's the depression talking.

ADs are not addictive in that they do not give you a high and you will not 'crave' higher and higher doses (that does not mean that coming off them can sometimes be unpleasant). They are not happy pills, so if there is something troubling you at best the tablets can simply make it easier to deal with. They take time to work - typically 2-3 weeks for anything much to happen, 6-8 weeks for full effect.

There is no miracle cure, but there IS help.
Baby steps, you need to take baby steps.

Mental health services are crap I find too myself. You just have to think about the people in your life that mean the most to you and how it would affect them if you harmed yourself. We all go to dark places in our minds sometimes and feel the same. Just try to think of the positives and try to block out the negatives. Easy to say, I know but it's the only way to help yourself and remember your not alone many feel the same way at times me included.

How are you today?

I am still very down, although not as bad as last night. I must admit. Thank you for holding my hand last night PacificDogWood.

I just cannot stop the thoughts, I want to be able to wake up and not feel anxious. To stop having this stomach churning sickness about how I am going to get through yet another day.

I have been on the anti d's for 8 weeks and feel no better, I am not going to lie and say that I have been fully down for the 8 weeks. I had 2 days of being high, a good week of being level and I am now back down (I keep a journal of my moods to show the doctor)

My OH has gone to work so its just me and DS, I think we are going to play in the garden and will try and work on being positive and just survive till OH comes back.

Daylight often helps - glad you came back.

Can you go for a walk with your DS? Work off some of that anxiety by using your muscles to use up adrenalin?

Are you familiar with AnxietyUK?

Or AnxietyAlliance?

If anxiety/intrusive thoughts are your main problem, have you ever had any kind of talking therapy for that?

Intrusive thought are horrible, but they are just that - thoughts. Thoughts, not deeds.
Allow them to come, then try and see if you can dismiss them.

Mindfullness works well for lots of people with anxiety problems.

You say you've been high. Are you diagnosed as bipolar?

I have a problem with leaving my house, which is what causes the panic attacks. I have been diagnoised with agoraphobia, which is slowly getting worse. I have had CBT which worked very well for me, but again am on the waiting list for something anything.

Dontrunwithscissors. During the two to three days I was high, my OH made an app with my doctor and bundled me down there so she could see what I am like. She mentioned bi polar, when I visited the crisis team, I was assessed and informed that I didn't have bi polar, but he diagnoised mild depression with traits of OCD. Which is why I have been referred back to my doctor

Agarophobia/panic/OCD are all disorders relating to anxiety - hopefully therapy will help you again.

Bipolar disorder is quite difficult to diagnose and often takes a long time and several bouts of illness to be diagnosed.
Usually 'high' phases last weeks and months, although 'fast cycling' is possible too, although much rarer.

If sounds like you'd benefit from addressing the anxiety issues - Sertraline is a good AD for anxiety specifically, but you may well need a higher dose.

I hope you get to see somebody about it soon.

Thank you PacificDogwood, tbh it was a relief to be told either way. Although I disagreed with his mild depression diagnoises.

I just want to get better and get back to work. Stop feeling sick about the thought of leaving the house. I keep in mind that it has taken me a long time to get as bad as I am, so recovery will take a long time, but I have moments like last night which just make recovery seem like a dream.

It has been a while, but it the fact it fucks me off when someone does not update their thread (you will get)

Since this I have been diagnoised with rapid cycle bipolar, general anxiety disorder and OCD

I still have rough days and no combination of drugs seems to be working, CASHM signed me off, which pissed my doctor off, I went from having rapid cycle bipola, GAD and OCD to a bit sad in 2 months. Based on this I am a miracle cure

But I just wanted to say thank you to all those people who commented and continued to encourage, I still may not be stable but I am here and I might not be due to those people

OP, glad things are moving forward, as you say it took a long time to get this ill, it will take a long time to get beter. Do your work offer anythingthrough occupational health? I am getting councelling and psychology through mine at the moment both with much shorter wait than NHS.

I have had to give up work, when I started to have panic attacks leaving my house.

I was self employed working in pubs and clubs, the mere fact of crowds would make me throw up. Not great for my line of work.