Constant feelings of inadequacy

[springchickennolonger]

Hello all. I'm wondering if I'm the only one who feels like this? I've always felt inadequate and constantly trying to improve myself in some way. I worry what people -any people-are thinking of me, all the time. I worry about my looks, my weight, my skills and abilities, my performance, all the time. I constantly analyze myself and take everythingvery personally indeed. I don't go near facebook or do any social networking because I do not like my photo or any personal information in the public domain.

I feel I have to prove myself all the time, as a parent, relative, friend, to the extent that I'm contantly doing unnecessary favours, which I get resentful about when they are not reciprocated.

I seem to be trying to be perfect all the time, and beating myself up when something goes wrong as I feel responsible for everything.

I'm hoping to go back to work soon. However, pre-dc and in a full-time position I was constantly worried to the point of feeling physically ill.

Is this some sort of mental illness or a personality thing? I have a relative in poor mental health and my grandfather was given electric shock therapy many years ago for a problem at work for which he felt responsible (he wasn't).

What should I do about these feelings? Anyone else want to share?

Thanks.

Hi Springchicken. I have no advice, but feel the same. I don't feel I'm good at anything and constantly beat myself up about things that have gone wrong.

I don't think it's an illness, just a lack of confidence.

I've considered trying Paul McKenna's Instant Confidence. Have you seen it?

Hi kazza. I'm pleased in a way that I'm not the only one. Thing is -people who know me think I'm confident and sussed, because that's how I come over. I'm not. I feel a constant failure, even though I know I'm not really. I'm trying to become self-employed using my hobby and I just can't put myself out there as I feel a complete fraud.

I so wish I was different!

I'll have a look at that book, though. Thanks for the recommendation.

It could be a mental health issue or personality disorder, only a GP or psychiatric assessment could really determine that.

Do you have any other indicators in present or past that have concerned you? I tend to agree with kazzawazzaoo - it sounds like a lack of confidence and perhaps a period in your life where you feel you should be at one point and are not? Has anything triggered it recently? You said you've always felt like it I noticed. Has anything accompanied it; depressive spells, medicated periods, intervention from health services?

Generally, although not always, personality disorders are pervasive and usually involve a degree of inability to cope with life or situations that make it (again usually, not always) obvious to others. I have/had (in recovery) a PD and it has followed me round like a bad smell for 20 years until I tried to commit suicide last year and was finally diagnosed. I've had patterns of eating disorders, regular self harm and inability to cope with life - work, study, relationships etc. There always are exceptions to the rule, and not all PD's manifest themselves this profoundly, but they are fairly extreme.

Could you discuss with your GP how you feel? They may offer anti-depressants or another medication like beta blockers to deal with the anxious symptoms, but I think therapeutic services are far far more successful and actually deal with the issue - something like CBT deals well with patterns of thought and breaking free from the fatalistic thinking and failure prophecy. There are long waiting lists on the NHS, but there are plenty of self help books that I have heard are very helpful and would act as a good interim solution.

I hope some of this helps x

Thanks mum, that's really helpful. Having read your post, I don't think it's a petsonality disorder. I always cope. I'm an only child and I am used to coping without support from others-particularly other family members. Coping is my default mode, so people see me, I think, as a strong, reliable person.

I used to get my self-esteem from work and I took, deliberately I think, a series of very demanding jobs. I gave up work completely when I had my dd at 42 because I would have felt like an inadequate parent had I not done so. I felt fine until dd started school and I met other parents, most of whom had hung on to careers. As one of the very few without "meaningful" work (although I've always had casual work to fit around dd) I felt that I was being judged as "inferior" and therefore unable to mix on an equal footing.

I also felt that parents were ignoring me and talking over my head, being basically not interested. This sort of rubbed my nose in it and compounded the feelings of inadequacy. I know I'm not the only one to feel this way.

I've always felt socially inferior and, at school, kept away from the popular and tough girls as I felt intimidated by them. I stuck with my own circle of geeky friends and felt more comfortable. I was considered as something ofva geek myself and still am.

Fast forward to now: dd has started secondary school and I need to get back to work. I've done a variety of courses and updated some of my old skills, but I do not have the stomach for the inevitable rejection. I've started to teach bit on a private basis(languages) and it's going well, albeit slowly.

I just don't understand why I feel like this, constantly judging and criticising (both myself and others). Why can't I just be content to be myself now? I'm 54 ffs!

Incidentally, my family (mother's side) were religiously devout (Methodists) and my mother was very judgemental of me growing up and as an adult.

Why can't I get over myself?

Hi OP. I don't really have much advice for you but I could have written a lot of your post myself. I personally do not agree with labeling what you are going through as a 'mental disorder' and as far as I am concerned going to the GP is fine if you want to be labeled and put on drugs/refered to counseling (this has happened to me - although I eventually went to a private counselor who never tried to label me or use any terms such as depression/anxiety - she just tried to get me to talk which I do find difficult).

Like you I am a 'coper'. My sister has had serious issues with her health (Anorexia/self harm etc) since I was 14 and myself I struggled with food for a while in my twenties. I have in the past tried to reach out to my emotionally distance mother but I have just been left feeling more inadequate and so gave up that route.

I am not sure what to do with the feelings you have - you could try some self help like I think someone else suggested or something where you are encouraged to accept yourself warts and all - if you find anything that works let me know!

I feel like such a generous person and even with my family I do not find the support is reciprocated. I am a very forgiving person but I too feel resentment at times and often get angry. I just think 'am I that unimportant that I do not deserve support?!'

I recently returned to work (DC now 9 months) as I just felt so pointless not working but now I just feel over stretched!! I could not face going back to my old company (bullying issues). I have in the past been encouraged to hide my feelings (negative ones) and I think this has carried in to my present where I will put up with almost anything in work/with friends for fear of 'rocking the boat'.

Can you afford private counseling? It might not help (I am not sure if mine did) but at least then you might feel like you are doing something to help yourself - just a thought.

I think about going back sometimes but I found it made me feel even more isolated - I did not feel able to talk about it with anyone bar by DH and just felt guilty for talking about some of the things which was hard to cope with. My dad had depression when I was younger and it felt like it was something to be ashamed of not treated - hence why I think I find it hard to treat any negative emotions/depression I might have.

Perhaps we are just some of lifes worriers?! - at least without us the world would probably we a worse of place!:S

Thanks bouncy. Much of your post resonates. I have a relative with serious mental health problems too. He was put on strong tablets as a young man and is still taking tablets now, although his physical condition has also deteriorated too now. My grandfather -years ago-before even I was born-had some sort of mental breakdown following an incident at work for which he felt himself resonsible (he wasn't).

I feel generous too, towards my family and others, such as friends' children. Very little of that generosity is reciprocated, which makes me bitter and angry. I so want to be seen as generous, kind, loyal and fair, but I wonder what the point is if nothing I do is appreciated.

Unlike you(I'm guessing) my generation did not display feelings. In my family, there was an overwhelming sense of duty to do the right thing whether or not you wanted to, and a lot of underlying bitterness. If someone died, there was a shrugging of shoulders, stoicism and no showing of emotion. I guess I'm carrying that through. Like you, I put up with a lot, yet I am able to stand up for the rights of others with no problem. It's myself I can't stand up for.

I'm sorry you feel pointless about not working, and it's good that your dh understands.

I hope you get yourself sorted soon. I'm fortunate in that I have an additional source of income and I'm ancient so fairly well-established financially.

I will try some therapy, I think. Other than that I think you're right: we're just some of life's born worriers!

Good luck.