just don't want to do this any more

[BloodshotEyes]

Don't really know why I'm writing this. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm fed up of just struggling on, one day at a time and all that. I don't want to do it any more. I don't want to wake up every day and feel like shit, go through the day feeling like shit, go to bed, wake up blah blah blah blah.

I can't see things ever getting better, I can't see me ever actually enjoying life, because, let's face it, life IS shit, isn't it? It's just a continual bloody grindstone of doing all the stuff you have to, to survive, with maybe, if you're lucky, the occasional 'fun' moment which is meaningless compared to all the shit. And yes, I know I'm depressed, but that doesn't make it any less true. I could take ADs again, but then that'd just mask the bleakness of life for a little while and then when I came off them, I'd see it all clearly again.

I want to run away and leave my whole life behind and never look back. I want to cut myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I want to scream and shout and punch and kick stuff and destroy something and punch a wall until I bleed.

I won't do any of that. I'll wipe my tears away and then go and hug my DCs and read them fucking stories and clean the house and pretend that everything's fucking ok and just keep doing that day after bloody day. But I just wish I could stop.

Couldn't read and run. You are amazing. You really are. Give yourself a big hug along with the DCs xxx

Bloodshoot, sorry to hear how you are feeling. Take care of yourself xxx

((HUGS)) Have AD's helped you before? My experience is that the meds help me see more clearly. Depression tells you lies - life never gets better, there is no point to anything, you are worthless - and it's not true. I don't see AD's as masking the bleakness of life, I see them as a godsend that brings colour back into what was a pointless, ugly, monochrome life. Meds and therapy made a huge positive difference to me. 12 years on I'm still on meds and might never get off them but I don't care because life is worth living. Fight the depression. Fight the lie that you cannot be helped and don't deserve it anyway. Please try, for your own sake and the sake of your DCs. Go and see a doctor and ask for help, it is so worth it.

Thanks all for replying.

LastingLight yes, I have been on and off sertraline, and yes, things look different when I take it. But I hated being reliant on it, and I'm afraid I find it very hard to believe what you say about ADs. They do make life easier, but I'm still the same useless person when I'm on them, still have the same problems.

I appreciate your thoughts and concern- I really do- but right now I don't even want to fight it.

Have you had therapy? Meds can lift the worst of the fog but you also need help changing the negative and self-sabotaging thoughts.

I hate being reliant on meds too and every now and again tell my psychiatrist I want to stop taking them. His response is that I can do that if I want to, but the chances of a serious depressive episode is very high. Then I stay on the meds because I cannot put my family through that. And you know what? If you had diabetes or high blood pressure, would you also feel you don't want to rely on meds to keep you healthy? Depression is just another illness and taking meds/having therapy is not a sign of personal weakness.

I'm sorry that you haven't felt more benefit from the sertraline. I've been on many different AD's (they stop working for me after a while, or have bad side effects, or simply don't work) and have gone through sheer hell to find the combo of meds that is right for me. So the first AD you try may not be the best one for you.

I did have some counselling a couple of years ago. It was ok a chance to talk over some things but not helpful long term. It was just general counselling though rather than specific to depression iykwim. That might help but not sure how to go about arranging that.

I hear what you're saying about the meds and logically Ido agree. I think it would be easier if there was a physical aspect to depression, if it could be diagnosed by a blood test. As it is, my logical mind says 'It's a real illness' but there's a (very big) part of me saying 'yes, depression is real and affects many people, but I haven't got that- I'm just too crap to cope with everyday life'.

The sertraline did help. I know I should go back on it. I just hate admitting defeat. And I just can't bring myself to care enough to take that first step. I just feel so empty.

Just wanted to say as well that I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time yourself. You sound really strong to have got through it all, and especially to persevere with the meds for your family's sake.

I can't sugar coat it. Life is tough, for everyone. but what I have noticed, is that some of us are better at dealing with life events than others. Make no mistake, no one has a charmed life. Bottom line is, we have to do the best with what we have been given.

I have battled with depression for many, many years. I have made a conscious decision that for whatever amount of life I have left, I am going to live it. Everything isn't rosey in the garden, but I'm focusing on all the good things in my life. I can't lie, it has taken me a long time to get to where I am now.... but my life isn't on hold any more, I'm living it !

dianne

Feeling empty and unable to take the first step towards getting help - classic depression. Why don't you go to your gp and talk about meds/and or therapy. You've got nothing to lose. Set a reminder on your phone for tomorrow morning and when the alarm goes just make the call there and then.

I am very, very lucky to have a dh who is super supportive and has been my rock through the difficult times. I can only hope that the intense irritability and rages triggered by the slightest upsets did not permanently harm my relationship with dd.

It seems trite when you see a post saying "OMG I could have written that" but this definitely applies to me and your OP (not incl the OMG though). Almost identically the same, except not as energetic with the kicking & punching. My preferred way out would be a replacement clone of me so not to upset anyone but I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

The last few years it got worse & worse & it felt like my life was shutting down, occasional bits of fun were few & far between, everything was too much effort. I was desperately researching a lot about MH as having read a lot on here I thought maybe it was actually something like depression, not just me being crap. I was considering writing a post just like yours. A post happened to mention dysthymia which is long-term low grade depression & it seemed to fit better, rather than just "regular" depression, PND, etc. However, I didn't really want to have this as it sounded ...well, depressing! I eventually went to the GP & got a referral rather than being handed out ADs, which I was expecting but wouldn't have taken. I have since seen two MH professionals who say it is depression & I have been "ill a long time", one explained it quite scientifically to try to convince me & said that it can be seen in brain scans (like you, I wanted a cut & dried diagnosis based on tangible evidence). Sometimes I accept this, other times I still think it's just me.

I have been on citalopram for a few months under the guidance of a psychotherapist, having eventually convinced myself to try it, with a plan to have psychotherapy/counselling later on when I should be more receptive to it. On the ADs so far I can at least do things without having to push myself through the day so much. I used to go through the motions with my DC as you mention but now I catch myself on occasion actually feeling some positive feedback from interacting them which I assume is what most would call enjoyment. I don't expect to be dancing around in a continual state of joy but this is a step up from the despair & hopelessness of before.

I would say get under the care of a psychotherapist & find the right ADs, along with some therapy to try to reach a sustainable position where you can live without it feeling like there is no point, it's too much of a drudge, etc Then you may be able to build on that & get a bit further towards feeling enjoyment out of things & not being so beaten down by the crapper aspects of life. This is what I hope for myself & it sounds like you still have it in you to try because you put your post out there. I agree it is incredibly hard to get help so use the spark of motivation that made you post to get yourself some more help.