Struggling

[headdesk]

This will probably out me if anyone from my RL is on here but I'm so far past caring now.
I'm struggling to see the point in being alive anymore.
I wake up feel sick every morning. I left my emotionally abusive husband 6 months ago. I thought I'd be happier but I'm not. I have a lovely boyfriend who doesn't understand why I feel like this (he really does try and he's very supportive, he sits up on the phone to me pretty much every night trying to calm me down) and I don't think I even know myself.
I don't even know why I'm writing on her but I'm pretty sure I've hit rock bottom and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I've just realised that that a rambling mess that makes no sense.
Basically. I am separated, failed marriage before I hit 26 :( I'm at uni, I'm broke (though I have just found a job) and I'm just finding everything so overwhelming and hard. I have thoughts everyday about just not being here anymore and how much better it would be for everyone.

I think that you need to go and see your GP as soon as possible

I second the GP suggestion - take a written note if you think it will be too hard to explain out loud x

I don't really like talking about it, I find it hard enough talking to my boyfriend about it because I just feel stupid. I have no reason to be unhappy? I mean, I have an amazing boyfriend, I'm working towards a career I've always wanted at a uni where I've wanted to go for years (and doing surprisingly well at uni considering my marriage fell apart halfway through the year), yes I have money problems but every student does.
Yet I still have days where I just feel numb. And days where I can't get up. And then days where I feel like I just dont want to be here, sometimes all at once and then maybe one or two where I feel fine, then it's back to feeling like shit. But I have no proper reason to feel like that.

I left my emotionally abusive husband 6 months ago.

I think that is the key to why you are still feeling awful, even though you are no longer in the same situation. 6m is no time at all, when you're recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship.

Give yourself time. You need to get your emotional strength back, in the way that you would need to heal following a physical injury.

It sounds like counselling might help. Some surgeries have
counsellors attached to them. I would agree that your first port of call should be your gp.

Definitely agree with the other posters, I know it's difficult to take the steps to go to the doctors, but you've tried to sort this yourself/wait a while see if it goes away and you're still struggling, they can help.

You say you have no reason to be unhappy, but you not being long out of an abusive relationship is a legitimate one (if one were needed, which it isn't). Six months is no time at all, and on top of that you've got the stress of your course and juggling everything else.

My advice (aside from the docs) would be to be kinder on yourself. Acknowledge that a lot has happened in a short time and it's knocked you for six, but the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. Your life might be a hundred zillion times better than it was with your DH, but you need to give yourself more time to heal.

The thoughts you're having everyday about not being here, are they more that you just want this shit to stop making you feel so crap?

Agree with posters above about counselling etc. The NHS also runs free courses about dealing with low self esteem, Mindfulness, dealing with stress, improving emotional wellbeing etc. Check with your GP or you may be able to ewgister online. There is also telephone counselling available. I have found the wellbeing one very helpful, coupled with talking therapy and being on the right dosage of the right medicines.

I'm trying to get up the courage to go to the dr, I just feel stupid :(

Believe it or not, you're not being stupid at all. It may feel that way to you, but you're really not. In fact, it might help if you even tell the doctor that. It'll probably help them to see where you're coming from. Tell them everything else too though.

I'm no doctor, but this does sound a bit like depression to me. Including the bit about feeling silly asking for help. I also agree with all the other posters that it's not surprising you feel this way. Emotionally abused people have usually been systematically and deliberately broken down to be controlled. Now you just need a bit of help to build yourself back up. It's not weakness, it's not stupid. It's important and you deserve that help to get back to who you want to be.

Good luck and hugs!!

On the days when you feel low, do you have less energy and feel cold, or have cold hands and feet? These are symptoms of hypothyroidism, along with that kind of depression which doesn't seem to be about anyrhing specific. Might be worth a blood test to rule out this and other possible physical causes.
Hope you're able to get some relevant professional help and get on the road to recovery. Don't put off getting the help, these things can creep up on one and it isn't until you get better that you can look back and see the difference the help makes. Like switching from seeing in black and white to colour.

It is not stupid to need some help from time to time.
Doctors have seen all sorts of things, everything under the sun.
I think I am right in saying, that 1/3 people go to the doctors for mental health related things, not physical health issues.

If you think you might have trouble getting the words out, could you write it down and give it to the doctor? I'm sure that would be totally fine with them and it'd give you a bit of control over what you're going to say and how.