Hi there,
I've changed my user name to post here. I've been debating a long time where to post and if I should post but I feel like I could really do with somebody else's input as I can't talk about this to anyone.
Really sorry if this is long!!
So, I'm in my 30's and for most of my life I've had a niggly feeling that I was sexually abused when I was a baby/child. However I have NO memory of this at all and only a feeling. I can remember as a teenager being suspicious of various uncles and family friends for no particular reason.
The reasons I feel something is off is that I started to masturbate very young ( which I know is completely normal for children) but it was always a compulsive type of thing and one of my earliest memories is rubbing myself against my preschool teachers leg to stimulate myself and I remember her looking shocked and stepping away.
Then the bit which I really really struggle with is when I was around 10 I started to play sexual games with my younger sister. These games were not innocent doctor/nurses type ones. I manipulated my sister into exposing ourselves and I abused her. This abuse always had a tone of humiliation but I twisted it so that I would be the humiliated one and making it seem like she had the power - not sure if that makes sense and don't want to be too graphic.
I love my sister more than anything and always have done and I can't believe I did these things to her- why would I ever do something like that??
The other things are that I am phobic about having smear tests, I panicked so much when I had one and also I was petrified of internal examinations when I was pregnant.
Now the thing which has re-awakened everything is about 6 months ago my older sister dropped the bombshell that our father had sexually abused her when she was a little girl, apparently he touched her but didn't rape her, she told our mother. She says that our dad then stopped and talked to her and apologised and said he would go the doctors to get help and he never did it to her again.
I love my dad and have always idolised him, this was such a shock and I've been in turmoil ever since. Is this a big clue to the niggly feeling I've always had? My sister said she hopes her speaking out would mean both me and my little sister would not have to go through the same thing and I reassured her that nothing had happened to me and she was really relieved.
I didn't tell her about how I was feeling. I really wish she hadn't told me this, I don't know how to feel about dad, I can't stop loving him though. It's cutting me up inside as I have no-one to talk about this with, I can't tell my husband as he loves my dad as much as I do. I'm thinking about it all the time, I feel so lonely and at breaking point because of it.
Do I need to talk to somebody about this? What's the point if I don't actually know if anything happened? Is it better not to know?
I'm really struggling, if it wasn't for this huge black cloud I have such a happy, lovely life..how can I forget about all of this??
Thank you if you've read this far and I really hope I haven't upset anyone but would be very grateful for any advice or any input from people who have gone though this themselves.