Hello
I've suffered on and off with depression since I was 12, so 18 years now.
I was fine as a child and then one day, something snapped and I was absolutely terrified to go to school. Nothing had changed. I was happy, popular (most important thing at that age) had a settled and stable home, lots of friends etc, but for some reason, this crippling sense of dread came over me and that was that. It got worse and worse and eventually, I stopped going to school and was home schooled, which was very isolating and lonely. When my parents were out, I would shut the curtains and sometimes, would self harm. I was completely and utterly miserable. I had therapy, which was useless and was put on anti depressants, which took the edge of the anxiety I suppose, but didn't do that much tbh. I got terrible withdrawal symptoms when I came off them and the brand, seroxat, have since been documented as doing more harm than good and can make anxiety and depression in children and adults more severe.
I didn't end up doing any of my GCSE's and felt and complete failure. I went to college at 16 and took a few courses, so I had that as a back up, but always knew I could have done so much more if it weren't for my crippling anxiety.
I say my depression has been on and off, because yes, there have been periods in my life, where I have been ok and dare I say, happy. However, that feeling doesn't last for long. Even when I'm doing alright, I still get anxious with day to day life, which can be so incredibly exhausting.
I had a 10 year relationship from 18 - 28 and we had a DD together, who has certain issues shall we say and we're right at the beginning of getting her assessed and possibly diagnosed with mild ASD, or ADD. I feel a lot of guilt because I feel like maybe it's something I have caused. I was very stressed during the pregnancy and me and my now ex, would have terrible rows, which would usually end up with me in tears feeling like my world was coming to an end. We had an incredibly volatile relationship, from beginning to end really our DD witnessed a fair few of our arguments, which again, I feel a lot of guilt for.
I am bi sexual and 2 years a go, I met and fel in love with a woman. I didn't have a sexual affair, but you could describe it as an emotional affair. I ended things with my ex before things went to the next level. He really struggled getting back on his feet after I left him and I feel absolutely terrible about hurting him so much. I still don't feel like he's completely over me, even though he's in a serious relationship with somebody else. So again, there's guilt there. The guilt gets worse with time in fact.
My gf is absolutely lovely and I love her so much, but I just can't relax and accept and enjoy that I've found something very special. I really struggle with reactions that we get and the unwanted attention. Gf just doesn't care, but I am constantly aware of it and I just can't relax.
I cry pretty much every day. I wake up crying sometimes and I re play bad things in my head over and over. Sometimes, I get the shakes and I feel completely terrified that something bad has, or will happen. It's mental torture, but I don't know how to stop it. I've noticed that my speech is slower and I find reading more difficult, which I know is because I'm depressed again. I know all the signs, but this time it seems much worse, which is why I'm wondering if I am in fact having a break down.
My gf said I should go to my gp for a referal to a therapist, but it was only a few years a go that I had CBT, which didn't really do much tbf. Also, we are considering maybe adopting in the future, when I'm better, but I'm worried this will be recorded and we won't be allowed. Gf is very supportive and says that the main thing is that I get help, but I really would love a sibling for DD. She would be a lovely big sister and I hate to think that me getting help could make this potentially impossible.
I don't know what to do. I'm so stuck, but I know I need help.
Thanks for reading.