Do I have a problem (anxiety/stress) or is this just normal reaction to life?

[oif]

I tried to keep this short, but it has not turned out that way. Thanks in advance if you manage to trawl through it!

So, this is what I'm worried about:

• I obsess about possible health problems, mostly cancers. I fear being seen as a hypochondriac so I don't go to the GP with every worry, and I rarely tell anyone either. Then it builds up inside me until I start to feel terribly guilty that I haven't been sensible and checked it out earlier. I currently have a GP's appt for next Fri for my current worry, but I am fretting all the time that if it is serious I have possibly made it worse by delaying this. Basically I am terrified of leaving my children mother-less and it being my fault.

• My anger sometimes scares me. I have never hurt my children but I shout at them sometimes in a way that feels out of control to me and I hate it. Then I take a long time to wind-down from the shame and guilt I feel and feel like I have ruined whole days. I always apologise if I feel I have gone too far, and I read a lot and try to develop strategies for preventing explosions but I don't seem to be getting a handle on it.

• Lots of 'good' things have happened to us as a family - my DP's business has done unbelievably well, we have sold our house very easily and at a great price, we are moving to a lovely house in a lovely area, we are mortgage-free, we have been able to do our house exactly as we like it, and yet none of these things leave me feeling pleased and excited, instead I feel like a con artist, or like I now deserve something bad to happen. I have not enjoyed any of the house-planning, and I can't seem to relax about it - I find decisions very stressful, I find the new house overwhelmingly big and grand, I feel antipathy towards our contractors even though they are very nice.

I have a history of anxiety - a generally anxious child, severe social anxiety with panic attacks as a teenager/young adult, and the health anxiety has been occurring on and off I guess since I was about 18 (I am now 32). I had fairly severe depression in my early 20s. I used to self-harm and drink far too much. I have barely drunk anything since conceiving DD 4 years ago and am much happier like this.

I only realised very recently that I probably have quite low self-esteem. I have confidence in myself and my abilities to some degree, and always thought that meant I had good self-esteem, but I watched that TED talk by Brene Brown and tried to say to myself, "I am worthy of love and belonging" and realised it felt very very painful and uncomfortable to say that, and really I had no belief in it.

I have always been someone who 'bottles up' problems, and although I have got better at talking to people, it still does not come naturally and I have not confided about my anxieties or my anger to anyone. I don't make friends easily and I don't have a great support network.

Because I am so used to being 'generally a negative person', and because I have had much worse times, and because I can get up and get dressed and feed everyone and get through the day, I feel like I am coping and really there is nothing wrong. I also love being a SAHM and genuinely enjoy a lot of my days with the children. But I have been reading threads on here for help with my anxiety and realising that perhaps I have a bigger problem than I thought. On the other hand, when I write that, I feel perhaps I am over-dramatising and making a mountain out of the molehill that is just normal life with two young kids and a big life change (moving).

I am sorry this is so long. I would really appreciate any opinions on whether I need to see a GP or whether I just need to give myself a little time for the change to bed in and concentrate on all the usual self-care stuff (sleep, exercise, social support etc.).

Please print out your post and give it to the gp when you go. You clearly have more anxiety than is normal and you also have depression symptoms. Second guessing yourself the whole time about how bad it is, is a symptom in itself. Have you ever had talk therapy? I think you would benefit hugely from some sessions with a good counsellor.

You have anxiety. Hth :)
Seriously, I am no doctor. But I can relate to much of what you have said and I have benefited greatly from CBT. I am also sober.

Some of what you've written has really struck a chord with me. I'm in the same position wrt shouting at the kids then apologising and with always thinking I had ok self esteem as I could recognise I was good at this or that but then realising deep down I think I'm crap, defective basically and wish I wasn't me. About 6 months ago we had a big move out of London to a semi rural area to a lovely big house but which at times feels too ostentatious and overwhelming to keep tidy etc.
I think I had been depressed for quite a few years but always managed to function on the outside, (some days only just with weeping in the shower before going to work etc) Leading up to the move I felt worse and sort of paralysed by feeling totally overwhelmed by everything. I did finally go to the GP which was a hard step for me to take. Had fears about not being taken seriously etc but she gave me a questionnaire about depression and prescribed some ADs. I've found on them that I'm more patient and less shouty have more motivation in general, and have been able to take more pleasure in my everyday life - appreciate my time with the DDs and our beautiful surroundings etc. Most of all I realised that it's not necessarily normal to wake up every morning with a sinking feeling in your stomach, id been doing that for so long.

I came off them about 6 months ago which may not have been a great move but that's another story....

I would rather manage things without meds and think I really need some cbt or specialist input around my eating issues/disorder which is all intertwined but I'm glad I tried them and know they help and are there if I need them. I think for me it was a good move to start taking them to help me through the big upheaval of the move.

Hope that's helpful to you in some way and that you find a way forward.
I waited for an appt with the GP I was most comfortable with. I need to visit the one here in our new area to have a chat about things and was thinking of asking the receptionist if there are any of the drs that particularly specialise in or have an interest in mental health.

Sorry meant I came off ADs 6 weeks ago, not 6 months

Gosh - you could be me! The good news is, you don't have to feel this way - you can get help and today you took the first step in posting here. I didn't think i had a problem either - until one day i was in hysterics at the doctors because i was convinced my tonsils were throat cancer Thankfully the lovely nurse gave me a good stern talking to and made me see my doctor - not about my throat.

I was given medication and counselling - it worked. I have suffered a setback in this past year and am back on medication and anxiety is high but i know i can beat it.

You have a lovely life and a lovely family - don't let the anxiety steal this away from you, go to your GP and explain, ask to be referred for counselling, CBT is good for anxiety - if you have a look on one of the links on the mental health section, there is a link to moodgym - its very good, a questionaire to assess how you are feeling and some stuff to work through that is associated with CBT. It may help you overcome negative thoughts, especially if they are really playing on your mind.

Oh goodness, you are all so lovely

I checked in a couple of hours ago when there were no replies and had convinced myself I had just come across as a whinging ingrate and no one wanted to tell me…

But in a way it is scarier to admit to myself this is something I need to deal with. I really wanted to believe I had just somehow left that all behind.

In response to question - I did have 6 sessions with a counsellor whilst at university, although I found it only slightly helpful. I hated listening to myself talk. My sister, who also has struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time (and also many other health problems) has had a CBT-trained psychologist for years, which has been really helpful for her. I think it would help me too. I will check out moodgym also.

Thank you again so much for sharing your experiences and giving me some support and perspective. Good luck with going unmedicated perinelli, and with getting some CBT or similar. And hope your current high anxiety clears away again soon LEM.

Crumbs. There is a lot in this post. That is not a bad thing btw!
I havent got time to read it all thoroughly now. Will do later.

At first glance, I would say that you have done brilliantly to overcome all that you have overcome, and should give yourself a pat on the back for that!

It does now seem, that now things have also gone well, you can see that there are still things that need to be overcome?

I also find it difficult to know when to go to the doctor and when not too. I tend to leave it a bit late on the whole. Nothing massive, but normally wish that I had gone that bit sooner.

As others said there is help out there, so worth finding what suits and helps you. My onky point is that unlikely to get years ( or even more than a few months) if cbt on the NHS and most NHS support is not at psychologist level so if you are wanting longer term help you may need to ask to be referred to a psychiatrist for diagnosis and then if you are classed as having a serious mental health condition you may get support from a CMHT or recovery or acute care team which can give support by: psychiatric involvement, regular sessions with a nurse/social worker or OT to act as a care co-ordination. Possible ability to join therapy groups and access to day hospital if needed. Can take time to access these resources and waiting lists can be horrific but worth it if assessed as needing them.

Gp's can prescribe medication for depression and anxiety.

On the private route you get what you pay for and choose so depends what is in your area. Maybe your sister can suggest what type of things has helped her.