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I feel lonely in my life.

9 replies

ssd · 12/05/2014 08:54

My mum died 18 months ago, she was my last remaining close family member outside dh and the kids. I was very close to her and I know I'm still grieving her. I have siblings living 300 miles away, they aren't close to me and weren't too upset when mum died. They have given me zero support since she died, one of them even said "we went back to our own lives and forgot you". I've always been like an only child, I cared for mum for years alone and miss that.
My dh is great, we get on well but he is very black and white, hes not very caring and emotional things dont trouble him. WE have ds's and he's very involved with them and their hobbies, they all like the same sport and play it and see it together. I go sometimes but its so not my thing, although its on the telly all the time and they talk about it all the time.
I feel alone in my family. I just cook and clean. I imagine having a daughter would give me someone to talk to, although we are all close and I love my ds's.
I have no extended family now. I dont count siblings are family, they couldnt be more uninterested in me if they tried.I dont have any relatives in this country.
I just feel so lonely and isolated. I join in with things, work, see friends, try to keep busy but I have a loneliness in me that is ever present.
I dont know why I'm writing this, its helps to get it out, I had bereavement counselling but feel my problems arent just about the loss of my mum, although her death brought everything to a head.
Maybe itll change as the ds's grow up and dh isnt so involved with them. My mum used to be where I'd go when they were all doing their thing, she was like my purpose, sorting out everything for her, now shes gone and I've seen how unsupportive my siblings have been I just feel empty.

OP posts:
bluebell345 · 12/05/2014 15:02

sorry for your loss ssd :(.
like you said she was like your purpose and I think you need to find another purpose which will interest you very much.
your family is not very much different than the others. if they are not nice then they better stay away, don't worry about that.
best wishes.

ssd · 12/05/2014 17:46

thanks for replying

I do need to find another purpose, you're right

Just had a good chat with dh, he understands how left out here I feel sometimes and will try to think of things for just us to do.

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Tired10years · 13/05/2014 22:13

Hi I agree you need something that you enjoy. Do you have any friends? Could you find a hobby or sport? I have a similar situation with family and my mum who died three years ago. I'm only just starting to feel I can get through a day without getting upset about her. I didn't think it would ever get better but it's starting to. Glad to hear you had a good chat with DH. Try to find something you can do just for you. Think about things you used to do? What did you enjoy when you were younger? Music..dressmaking..yoga?

ssd · 15/05/2014 08:28

I cant actually think what I enjoy! Isnt that awful. Yes I do have friends and thank god for them. What I enjoy baffles me. I was never one for hobbies Blush. I actually like helping people, I'm a good talker. Even before mum died I thought that one day I would become a befriend-er to the elderly, volunteer for something like that. It breaks my heart to think how mum would have been without me here and I know there must be hundreds of old folk in that position (dread it for myself one day). But I cant do it yet, I'd be trying to replace mum too much, it would be too painful. Dont know if I'll ever be able to do it.

When I was young I loved travelling, but was always alone and would still be, thats not good for me just now.

Sorry to sound such a moaner.

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gildedcage · 15/05/2014 14:49

Sorry I haven't read all the other responses but I just wanted to say that you are in a grieving process. It took me a very long time to get over my father's death and I'm now dealing with unresolved issues. These seem to have coincided with problems in my marriage.

Could you perhaps speak with a bereavement councillor. My sister did this and found it beneficial. You are probably feeling as though you are simply going through the motions and it may take a while for that to lift.

warm wishes to you as I can sense your pain. Perhaps write down some of the things that you and your mother did together. You will probably have grandchildren one day who would love to hear your stories. xx

Sleepwhenidie · 15/05/2014 14:53

You should do what you are drawn to, go and volunteer to be that be-friender. It will probably help you a lot. I'd also suggest walking, preferably daily - alone or with a friend, enjoy being out in nature, gentle but effective exercise, it can work wonders for your head (and heart and soul).

ssd · 15/05/2014 16:01

I couldn't be a befriender just now, I'd be looking for my mum everywhere. Also I had 3 sessions at cruse, it did help but wasnt enough, perhaps I should go back.

I dont know, there just doesnt seem to be any answers.

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gildedcage · 15/05/2014 18:34

There is no easy way sadly. It is a process that can't be rushed. We are all unique in how we deal with things and bereavement is no different. As I said it took me a very long time to feel more like myself and I don't think 18 months is a long time with things like this. While you're over the initial shock and hurt you still miss your lovely mum. That wont change but over time it will become easier.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Do small things to give you pleasure. ..perhaps plant a tree or rose bush in memory and while you tend it you can think about her etc and watch it grow. It wont judge you if you have a little cry...I still do so occasionally and I'm 5 years on. Time is what you need. Hugs to you x

ssd · 15/05/2014 20:08

thank you x

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