I think I need help

[4littleones]

I have been suffering from depression on and off for about 4 years since Being diagnosed, although I think probably at least double that really as I didn't realise there was a problem for a long time.

I am not currently taking any medication because I was advised against it while I am pregnant (now in third trimester) although I was on them at the start because I didn't feel I could cope without them.

Anyway, I'm going through a bad patch. I seem to also have paranoia, mainly surrounding my poor partner. bless him he has done nothing wrong and I'm amazed he is putting up with it all. I question everything and even though I'm fully aware I'm being unreasonable and probably pushing him away, I can't keep it in :-(

I feel like if I carry on I'm going to loose him. Not that he has given me any reason to think he would leave, but I know he feels like he can't do anything right.

I've cried all morning today for virtually no reason. I kept myself up most of the night having paranoid thoughts about what DH is up to. He is working away and I think that's triggered it off again but it's the same any time he isn't here really. He has never cheated on me, or any other girlfriend so I have no reason to feel like this.

His work colleagues are all total sleazes and sleep with prostitutes and spend any spare time in strip clubs and the like. This is also a major trigger for me when I know he is with them. He isn't into that though. He is quiet and shy and can't even go to the hairdresser because he hates the attention of having one person looking at him while doing his hair. A stripper etc is the last thing he wants but I'm still always paranoid they will drag him there and things will go too far. He doesn't socialise with them because of the fact they always want to do stuff like that. But obviously when he is away with them, he is sort of stuck with them. He spent half of it so far stuck in his room not socialising! I'm gutted as if I could just give him a break then he would probably have a nice week having a break from the kids and general madness of life at home, while earning extra money as well.

I have been to the GP In the past and on 3 separate occasions asked for councilling and they have come across clueless but said they would get back to me. and I've never heard anything back.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to have a new baby soon and don't want to be battling with depression.

Firstly, make yourself a cup of tea and try to take a deep breath. I will go through the practical options first. Go back to your GP and ask about options of medication during pregnancy, I am sure there are some. Also insist on being referred to a psychiatrist. They are much more helpful with depression than GP's as this is their specialist subject. In my area you can self refer for counselling, but it may take a few weeks, perhaps you could research if there is something similar in your area.

In regards to your partner, I would have an honest chat. Tell him how you feel but stress that this is a symptom of your depression, not a reflection on how you feel about him, and see if you can come up with something together to cope. Would it be an option for him to ask his employers not to work away while you are pregnant? The hormones and lack of medication will not be helping, and it is not unreasonable to want your partner at home with you. If not, perhaps he would agree to checking in every few hours, even send a selfie of where he is etc, so you would feel comfortable with him going out and seeing some of the sights even if he is not with his colleagues.

Most of all, you must be kind to yourself. This is NOT your fault, it is an illness, and one thousands if not millions of us suffer from. It does get better, just keep reminding yourself of that. Is there something you enjoy doing just for you? A massage, haircut, long walk? This can really help if you can make yourself do it, it will make you feel a bit more normal if your head-space is confused. Also, keep posting, there will always be someone on mumsnet at any time of day or night to support you and listen.

Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I wasn't sure what sort of response to expect tbh and this is the first time I have used the mental health boards I think.

dh doesn't really like me talking about our relationship on here. He feels like I'm telling everybody our business and strangers are judging. I however feel it's the only place I can be truly honest without people in RL judging.

well firstly, it's anonymous, so your DH doesn't need to worry about anyone knowing your business, you could be anyone, and no-one is going to judge you. Most of us have been there, or are still there and are here to help. If you don't want your DH to know you are posting then I am sure there will be a tech savvy MNer who can tell you how to work it so he doesn't need to know you are posting.

You might be pleasantly surprised if you were to confide in someone in real life though. A lot of people struggle to understand depression but my experience has been that the more you are open and explain how you feel the more people want to help. Do you feel you have anyone to confide in? If not, then do keep posting here. There are some wonderful ladies on this site who are great at giving advise and hand holding, and someone is always here.

Have you got anyone with you today, or anyone you can call to help you so you can get some sleep? Remember to eat well and drink lots of water too if you have been crying, you will be dehydrated. I am studying today so will be dipping in every so often all day, so feel free to keep talking.x

thank you. For some reason, unknown to me, I don't talk to anybody other than my husband in real life. I guess that's one of the things that make it hard on him.

I have this annoying need to always appear happy and in control. I'm constantly having people tell me how they don't know how I do it coping with the kids, pregnancy, other health problems of top of running a house etc.

The truth is I'm not always coping, but put on a front as soon as anybody is there. I'm aware this doesn't help, but it's just the way I am.

I have issues letting people in my house though too which limits my social life and the help that I have. again it's not something I'm open about and have never really told anybody. I just feel like everyone is judging when they come in my home. I can't even have a workman or some body like that in without spending days cleaning and tidying and panicking about it. my house is never spotless and everybody else I know has spotless houses. until we can afford to have our extention built it's just impossible. It's just too small for the amount of people. But that's something that's being planned for long term but didn't want the major disruption with a newborn so have put it off till next year.

Thank you for replying, It really does help.

I don't think you are unusual in worrying about your house, I am very houseproud and am cringing if someone pops over for a cup of tea and I haven't mopped or there are things on the radiator etc. I am learning to relax with certain people that I know won't judge me. You will probably find that if someone has a really immaculate home, they either have alot more time than you, or it's all hidden away where you can't see it. My friends houses are sometimes alot messier than mine cos they have more kids or work, but when I go I NEVER judge, I always think how welcoming and homely their houses are.

It's not a bad thing to talk to your DH, mine is my best friend and I tell him everything, it's not ideal for everyone but it works for some. I always find that if I tell him before I start I am in a depressive mood he can listen, but not take things to heart. I do think though that it would be good for you to talk to others as well. Even if that is on here and not in real life yet. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. You are going through a lot right now and you don't need any extra stress. If you are managing to get up and dressed and the kids are fed and clean, you are doing a GREAT job. Any extra is good, but not necessary, sometimes you just have to bunker down and wait it out the best you can.

Do you think you would be able to talk to your Dr again about referring you to a psychiatrist? If you google self referral CBT in your area that can give you something to work towards even if you don't feel you can do it now.

You also I think should say to people if you are not coping. Do you think your mum or MIL would take your children for a few hours, or help you clean? I would be more than happy to come and clean a friends house if they were pregnant and struggling, and have done a few times. As I said, generally people want to help, and are just waiting for you to say how. I know you would find it difficult to let them in at first, but might it be something you could consider if you knew it would make you feel better having it done?

You are doing really well to talk to me here, and are being really brave and honest, so you can do it.

Thanks again for the reply.

my mum is rubbish at giving any sort of useful help. She won't babysit or even have us over if we just need to get out and have somewhere to chill out.

The in laws however are fab. They have the youngest maybe once every 2 weeks ish (no set arrangement just as and when it suits everyone but would always do it if I asked unless they really couldn't). And the older ones are at school full time. I'm lucky they are all lovely and mostly well behaved.

We have been talking about having a cleaner once a week to help out and had her come for a one off clean not long ago. trouble is, It stresses me out so much that I'm not sure how much good it does. I obviously have to tidy up before she comes as she wouldn't know where anything goes and needs to be able to clean otherwise it's a bit pointless. I'm fairly uncomfortable with her being in the house and think I would end up making sure I was out every week and giving her a key. but then that becomes a hassle to, having to be out at a certain time etc. so not sure what to do, weather to employ her weekly and just hope I get over it or weather to leave it and just do it myself.

I will have a Google about self referral but I have a feeling I looked into it before and it doesn't work like that in my area. but I am not sure so I will look into it incase I'm wrong.

We got a robot hoover today which has given me something to cheer me up (sad I know!) and hopefully something to help with the housework instead of lugging a heavy hoover around daily.

ooooh a robot hoover I would love one of those! Ok so that's a start, the floors will be done, so if you can do the bathroom with a flash wipe and some bleach and the kitchen surfaces and washing then that's your housework sorted. If you think having someone in will make you more anxious then don't have them, although I will say that the things some people see in houses in their jobs would mean they wouldn't turn a hair at yours, scout out the chat and AIBU boards!

Have you spoken to DH about his working away? How are you feeling about that now?

I've just tested the robot hoover in my room, which I have decluttered today to make space for the cot while DH is away (he works nights when home so he occupies the room a lot of the day and it becomes our "messy room").

To be honest I'm much better with the housework than I used to be. generally the house is clean but stuff like the kids rooms are a tip as their toys are all over the place etc. but hoping having the roomba will motivate them a bit as if they clear their floor they can use him and turn him on and watch him clean up etc.

we are working on decluttering the whole house which I think has been hard work for me but seeing the benefits makes me feel good and I'm hoping that it will make me feel less conscious about having people round.

I'm feeling much more rational tonight and I'm really hoping I can control myself not to hassle DH at all or keep myself awake worrying about what he is doing. I've had a nice chat with him. They had a long day and work and all knackered so think the plan is dinner, couple of beers and then bed. They have to be out their hotel packed and ready for work by about 8am so I don't think any of them will be up to no good tonight.
on the other hand DH was telling me that his other work friends who he is often with but isn't this week. They have gone to brasil and basically the aim of the holiday is to sleep with as many prostitutes as possible These are people with girlfriends/wives and young families. All who seem bloody clueless!
I think the problem I worry about is that none of their partners know what they are up to so how would I?
sometimes I wish DH didn't tell me about it as if I hadn't known about any of it then I wouldn't be so paranoid about him getting dragged into it after a few drinks. but on the other hand I'm glad he is straight with me and talks to me about it.

He doesn't work away often. This is the first time. but he will have more opportunities in future and gains lots of experience from doing it, which helps him progress at work. plus he is getting paid extra to do it, plus spending money and is getting a break from the kids which I have felt he has needed lately as it's been full on. which is why I wish I could just give him a blooming break!

I think writing it all down on here has really helped today. Thank you so much for responding and reading my posts.

iv just heard from him. All the others have gone Into town for a night out and he has stayed behind

I feel guilty he is missing out but on the other hand they will all end up at a strip club at some point in the evening (DH said this himself) and then DH will be stuck with either going along with It and going In too or going home alone, costing a fortune in cab fares etc.

am I being mean not letting him go to strip clubs? they all earn good money at his work and therefore are not afraid to splash the cash around for any "extras" they can get.

of course you are not being mean, he doesn't sound like he wants to go at all to me. It sounds as if he disapproves of the colleagues treating their families this way, and so he should! I think you are perfectly normal to worry about it, but your DH sounds lovely and is obviously not interested in that side of the trip. Maybe next time you can look at things he can do when he is there like nice restaurants or sites etc so you know where he will be and he can also feel like it's a mini holiday?

You sound like you are doing really well with the house, kids rooms are always a tip, but the robot hoover might be temptation to get them to tidy, it would work with me!

How did you get on last night? Did you manage to sleep?

I didn't get to sleep till 3 am ish. Think I drifted off at about 11pm for 20 mins ish and then my body seemed to think it was a nap and refused to sleep. had a bath, did some housework, chatted to DH and eventually got to sleep at around 3. It was honestly nothing to do with the paranoia this time though. Just pregnancy sleep issues. house is nice and tidy though and he is on his way home, although still a couple of hours away. I'm proud of myself that the house looks as clean and tidy as it ever really gets and is certainly much better than when he left so I'm happy about that.

It's really helped to talk to you. I really appreciate it. DH has taken the week off next week so we can spend some time together which will be nice. and also means that we can get the cot etc ready for the new baby.

feeling good today and have even allowed myself to sit and chill out with some day time TV which Is VERY rare for me, in fact I'm not sure iv ever done it unless I've been ill!
But it's nice to just chill out for once!
thought about a nap (DS is sleeping) but don't want to make my night sleep issues worse by napping really.
I'm also thinking of using the time DH Is off next week to go and see the GP. If nothing else to discuss medication once baby is born as I really don't want to end up with full blown PND. but will hopefully be breastfeeding so I know that limits it slightly. X

wow, you have done AMAZINGLY well. I do think trashy TV can be a godsend if you are not feeling yourself, ditto a really non thinking book, anything that gives your brain a rest.

You sound much stronger than your first post. Writing it down and working it through obviously works for you, so any time you feel the same, keep doing it. You can always PM me if no-one else is about.

How are you doing 4little? did you get much sleep last night?