negative intrusive thoughts, anxiety, new baby

[spottydolphin]

hi,

hoping someone might have some advice for me. i had a baby (not my first) 2 weeks ago and i've started to have a lot of intrusive thoughts about him.
I have a history of depression and anxiety and went back on my anti-depressants halfway through my pregnancy (sertraline) because I wasn't really coping too well. Prior to this I'd been off of them for several years, and generally doing pretty ok.

so, the dose I have been on has been ok and i've been much better than I was. But now I keep getting these thoughts about dropping the baby, or hitting his head on things. I worry a LOT when other people hold him- that they will fall over with him or drop him and that he will die or be really badly hurt

as well as this I'm feeling really quite anxious again general. Worrying about having to talk to other people, about people visiting the house and I just want to hide inside and not have any contact with anyone.

I've always been fairly self-aware (i think)- I knew when it was time to go back on meds etc and I'm quite good at recognising what is "real" and what is just symptomatic of my depression/anxiety but right now I am not sure I'm doing that great a job of it.
My coping mechanism has always been to withdraw as much as possible from people, and I also used to self harm. Before the baby was born I cut myself for the first time in 9 years.
I can't tell right now whether I am acting reasonably or not. Things are upsetting me or making me anxious and I am reacting to them but I don't know if I am over-reacting because of my illness or whatever it is, or whether I am being reasonably upset about stuff. Does that make sense?

I know I should go and talk to the GP but i'm worried that if I say I have self harmed (i haven't done it again since, or had any desire to) they will get social services involved or something.

a psychiatrist once said to me that I needed to trust what other people were telling me because I couldn't trust myself to tell me the truth... I feel like that now!

I suppose I am just wondering if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and what helped? increasing meds? riding it out? getting a freaking grip? :-P

to add, i'm generally getting on ok with the new baby. enjoying him immensely :-D and doing ok with everything!

Hi spotty dolphin and ((hugs))

Not sure I can give you any good advice because I'm in a bit of a similar situation myself - pregnant with 2nd child and losing my grip a bit.

But I would say I remember the kind of intrusive thoughts you describe from when my dd was born and as upsetting as they can be I think they are a sign that your protective functioning is working really well! Kind of envisaging bad things that could happen in order to prevent them? Hope that makes sense!

Re the self harm can you tell your partner or a friend ? I would also be wary of telling GP but probably it would be fine. Are you still on your anti depressants? Could they need tweaking?

Sorry if none of this is at all helpful

I think this is quite common actually after the birth of a baby. Go and talk to the GP. I had some CBT which really helped me manage these kinds of thoughts and dismiss them (and act on sensible concerns over safety once I was able to weed out the sensible ones).

Good luck - and congratulations!

Thank you both for taking the time to reply :-)

I'm so on my meds yes, trying to convince myself that I should see the gp when my head is telling me to just stay home and not talk to anyone is hard!
Dp knows about the self harm and I'm sure would make an appt/come with me if necessary. Again though it's just making myself talk to him about it :-P
I think part of how I'm feeling is like there is this ever present conflict in me as to whether this is normal and I'm doing fine and they'll tell me to go away or whether it isn't normal and I need to do something before it gets worse. I don't think I am able to make the distinction right now

And I'm quite aware I'm probably over thinking it all too. My other talent :-/

Hi. I began having severe anxiety when my dd was born so I can sympathise with you on that respect. I think all new mothers have these thoughts. I used to worry about dd falling out of bedroom windows. Or drowning in the bath. All totally unreasonable because I was there to protect her but defo speak to gp. I know u r on meds but ask for some counselling maybe. Good luck feel better soon x

Thanks tea. I was referred to "time to talk" by the gp but you have to ring them for a phone interview first and I have a stupid phone phobia so didn't ever get in touch with them

I met my health visitor the other day though and told her about the self harm so I'm seeing her again next week

You should tell your GP before you act on your thoughts. If you do not do the right thing SS will get involved to help you and the baby if need be.

i told the HV and she was very supportive.

I probably will end up going back to the GP if things don't improve though, to see if she'll increase my meds or something

I can't offer much advice op but just wanted to say well done for speaking to the HV.

Take care of yourself.

Congrats on speaking to your HV. You made the right choice.