PND. Scared. Horrible thoughts

[ApplySomePressure]

My DS is 13 months old. Tonight he wouldn't settle and I just lost it. I squeezed his arm and raised my voice :( I had to really stop myself from huritng him further - I had images of me throwing him across the room. I feel like a monster. He's a lovely baby and I am a terrible mother.

I feel as though I can't tell anyone in RL because they will take away my baby.

I feel extremes of emotions towards my DS. Often I will feel these extreme waves of love for him- where I just want to cry. I imagine all the horrible things that could happen to him and I just want to hug him and cry. I feel like I cannot protect him enough.

Then other times I hate him. I just cannot stand to be near him and resent my day off with him (I work 4 days a week) I imagine what it would be like if DS and DH were killed in an accident and how peaceful it would be to be on my own.I hate myself for thinking that. Today I was watching them both play and thought..."It would be easier for everyone if I just died"

I just didn't realise that it would be this hard, all of the time. DS doesn't sleep. DH does his equal share but I still want it all to go away sometimes. DH keeps his distance from me, he thinks I am going nuts and wants me to see a Dr. But if I tell the Dr he will tell social services?

I just don't know what to do.

Firstly please try and accept that this is not your fault. This can happen to anyone.
I'm going to send you a personal message.

No-one will take away your son, and no-one will judge you.
Looking after a baby, and working, is bloody hard. You must be tired and worn out - these things have such an effect on your thinking and emotional state. Do see your Doctor - you don't have to feel so awful.

OP this must be terrifying for you.
Those extreme waves of emotion are really normal I felt them with DS. I cried for a whole two weeks because I just didn't know what to do, you never believe you would love someone so much and it is actually, really scary and what the hell you would do if something happened. I also imagined all the terrible things that could happen.

Those feelings often pass, but if they haven't, they are getting worse, you are worried about them and they are very negative then go talk to your GP. They won't take your baby away, they will help you and seeking support is the right thing to do. This isn't your fault and the sooner you speak to someone the better, in the meantime use MN as your outlet. There will be plenty of people with the same experiences who can advise you and support you.

Handhold OP

I keep thinking that if DS slept then is be happier. I think about drugging with some piriton to make him
Sleep

I get obsessed with thinking bad things about DS and then I worry that my thoughts will come true. Sometimes I want them to come true

I won't be able to see a Dr until Tuesday.

Does anyone have any useful phone numbers the OP can use as support/advise until Tuesday, sorry OP I'm not aware of the advice lines or what they are called but imagine they'd be rely helpful to you.

DH is around yes, but I have not fully admitted to him just how bad I am feeling. He knows I struggle, but he's not aware of these constant bad thoughts...

I thought about calling the Samaritans but then I thought I'd only be wasting their time

I was there, I get it. I didn't fully admit that I had PND though, until it was over. It took me years because I refused to face upto it. Well done for admitting it. Please get help, they won't take your baby away. It is much more common than you think it is.

Hi op.

Listen, a lot of women have been where you are. Me included. You are not a terrible mother. You feel guilty and you know something isn't right. A bad mother just wouldn't care.

I didn't understand proper depression until very recently and it was honestly the most horrendous thing I have been through.

Depression makes you feel alone. Makes you feel that nothing will ever, ever be the same again. Makes you unable to trust yourself. Makes you feel a failure and makes you wish for death, not because you want to die but because life is so painful.

There is one good thing about depression. It's very very treatable. It can be cured. But you need to make the first step and ask for help. They won't phone social services. Really they won't. I cut my wrist, took some drugs that nearly killed me and they still didn't call social services. Instead I got the help I very badly needed and my life is turning around. Yours can too. Depression makes you think that you must have something that no one else has had but it's common and a lot have had it...and they have got better.

There is no shame in asking for help. In fact it's a very brave thing to do and sadly with mental health sometimes you have to fight hard for it. But you are worth it. Don't forget that.

In a few years from now, this phase you are in will be a distant memory. Ask for that help, tell your HV, tell your gp, tell those closest to you. It's an illness, just like diabetes. You just can't see it.

A few months ago, I used to cry my heart out on the floor every day. I used to beg whatever god is out there to just let me die. But I asked for help and now, I'm the person I used to be and the mother I used to be.

You can and will get through this. x

And if you can ask your dh to help you get as much sleep as possible for next few days that may help a little. Sleep deprivation is horrific and a week of 8 hour sleep is very restorative, not necessarily obtainable but can you ask your dh to help you get as much as possible for the coming days?

Thank you for all your kind messages. I have tears in my eyes and I am feeling braver this morning.

DS managed to sleep pretty well and DH has give me a lie in which has helped. Sometime I feel as though I should do all the night wakings because I think that if DS doesn't see my face then he will think I've abandoned him.

I had a miserable time as a child, all I want is to be a better mother to my DS but I just feel so scared/guilty/angry/confused all of the time.

I wish the Dr was open today. I had a year's worth of CBT before I gave birth and I had to stop because I couldn't afford it anymore. I wish I had carried on,in hindsight I probably have contributed to this. I should have gone straight back on my ADs once I couldn't BF anymore

I feel you OP. I had PND with both my boys. With DS1 I regularly used to plan taking him for a walk & stepping out in front of a bus. To me it was perfectly logical, I wanted to die & I couldn't leave him so he had to die to...really frightening looking back. I had a great HV & GP and SS were never mentioned once.

I'm still finding it hard going sometimes but getting there. Hope you get to see your GP on Tuesday but we're here in the meantime.

Massive parenting fail this morning. Back in bed, listening to DH comfort DS. I shouted at DS because he wouldn't let me cut his finger nails DH shouted at me and now I'm in bed. DH told me to go elsewhere and not to shout at a one year old. He's right

Thank you for all your messages, they do mean a lot to me and are providing me with hope.

I joined a gym yesterday, hoping that it would also improve me mood/energy levels. Feels pretty stupid now.

The gym is a great idea op.

It will give you space and time doing positive stuff on your own.

You will be 'you' again, not just a Mum.

Hand holding here. I've had depression too (still on ads) and it's really horrible.

As others have said, gp straight away when they open. Can you take some time off work and sleep when your DS is in his usual childcare?

Thanks trooper- have my induction at 1pm. My brain is convincing me I'm far too fat to be seen out in gym wear and that the instructors will laugh at me. I know this isn't true, I know I need to do something for myself. My brain swings from extreme to extreme.

Re:work. I could get signed off, but this would be the second time in three years. I had a breakdown of sorts when I was 25 and was signed off of work for 6 weeks, then gradually increased me work load. Work were very supportive, even though I felt terribly guilty at the time.

Getting signed off of work is a double edged sword- I teach in a difficult secondary school and could do with a break/extra sleep. But just writing that down makes me feel lazy. I would also feel like I was abandoning my year 11 students at such a crucial time. That thought makes me feel incredibly guilty.

If I don't get signed off then I feel as though I am not functioning properly for DS and DH. They are more important than any job.

God,my brain is going a zillion miles per hour. Just reading back my posts is making me dizzy.

Thank you for letting me vomit my thoughts out here.

I haven't read up thread but I've been there/still am there.

You love them to a scary point but also the rigours of looking after them can absolutely deplete you. I find not many talk about this and the way it can make you feel.

In fact I'm convinced it's why many do return to work full time citing money as a reason. It's so much harder IME being home with the baby emotionally and physically.

I would see your GP ASAP and if you are desperate ring your local crisis team. Have you had dealings with them before?

Hi you can get a fit note to do reduced hours if that helps at work - so maybe only go in for your exam classes, or half days or whatever helps you, as well as a complete signing off work as an alternative option.

Hope a good rest over bank hol helps a little. I found when my baby became a toddler so demanding. Could you also contact your HV for a chat about what is normal and challenging at this stage, because I found that other people struggling with the same things made me feel like it was a phase and not just me.