In a mess

[Worried22]

Sitting here crying having just spoken to an abortion clinic about an appt I had on Tuesday. I've posted here lots before using a different nn, as I have on going mh issues, mainly severe depression and suicide attempts.

This pregnancy is unplanned and for the past 6 weeks I have been changing my decision, my mood has been changing from one day to the next and I am in a crap place. A couple of days ago I was on a high, and told people I was carrying on with the pregnancy. Then I woke up the next day and have felt panicky since, not sure whether I'll cope.

I've seen my mh worker, therapist, midwife..but no one can make my decision for me. But I don't know if I can. The appt has been put back a week as I was told I need to be more sure. I'm now in tears, I feel really low and I've started looking at ways I could sort this out myself. My heads a mess, I couldn't leave the house today. Dd is at her dads and I've asked if he'd have her longer as I don't want my low mood affecting her.

This is the lowest I've felt since I got the positive result. I've considered ringing 111 (only way to get through to mh team at wkends, but long process) or going to walk in centre as I feel I'm losing control. But then I thought I'm overreacting and I'd be wasting their time. Plus I know ss would be on my case in an instant. Please help, please don't judge. I know I've been stupid.

(((( Worried22 ))))
It's a very difficult decision to make, mental health issues aside. Am I right in thinking that mh suggested you terminate?

What about ringing the samaritans if you're concerned about officialdom? Obviously if you are suicidal then it would be good to ring 111 or ooh.

Hi does the abortion clinic offer counselling to help you talk through your options - so a session focused on you, what you want, what would be best for you and your dd that is separate from your therapist and MH team? If you can ask them to give you a or another session that may help rather than wait another week before making your mind up.

Yes onky you can make your mind up as onky you ( and any fathers r partners) are involved with the 24 hour care of any children. But an independent chat with a professional outside of your MH team may help you make the decision that is right for you. As you have a MH team to support you ( by that I mean the people you listed in your post), that can help you deal with any decision or action you make ( to maintain or end the pregnancy), or services can be put in place if you need more help if you continue with the pregnancy and struggle. But I understand the time pressures for you to make the decision if you wish to abort at an earlier stage.

I guess you could also phone the Samaritans for a chat - as a free, confidential number to just chat through your options? May be worht a try.

It sounds a horrible place to be in for you. Definitely phone the 111 number anytime - you are in a difficult position and now is the time to phone them whenever you need to. So sorry to hear of these difficulties.

[hugs]
How are you today?

Thinking of you, Worried22

Hi, after I posted I realised the Samaritans is an option too. I haven't called though as I'd have to explain things from the start and I haven't got the energy to do that.

I'm feeling a bit paranoid and anxious, don't want to leave the house, it feels safer being here but just wish I could escape from myself and I can't. I want everything to go away, missing dd now and I'm safer when she's around, but she's probably having a better time where she is.

All the days are blending into one, and every day is a struggle. I wake up with a sinking feeling. Feel on the verge of tears, and feel alone as I push away people who could help.

The house may be safer in some ways physically, but it is not safer in mental ways.

I went out briefly but was a relief to be home. I'm trying to get out in the sunshine, it doesn't make a lot of different to me mentally. At least I'm not in bed which is where I want to be

Why cant you go to bed?

No reason really, I probably will end up there soon. I always feel I should be doing something but I don't know what. I look around and can see what needs doing, but can't function enough to do it. I can't stop thinking about things, feeling guilty about everything, it all gets too much and it's tiring.

Try to take things one step at a time.

I'm just such a horrible person. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm saying it for attention. I don't understand why people want me to get better. I'm not really getting suicidal urges, I just wish I was. I want to do something to make this all stop. At least if I'm feeling suicidal I can ask for help, but I can't explain how I'm feeling. Just really, really messed up and on the edge. I've been told it's hormones and stress, there's always an excuse. But if I say how bad I feel, I'd be expected to have a termination. Got a family thing tomorrow, and I'd do anything to get out of going. I'd be letting them down, wish I wasn't here.

Sorry for rambling, feel a bit panicky, it's like a scream is trapped in my throat. Tears keep coming but I don't even realise I'm crying.

Hi you do not have to tell the Samaritans everything - maybe just say you are stressed about an unexpected pregnancy and have to make a decision and its complicated and making you struggle a lot? Then see how it goes from there! Just tell them the here and now stuff and how it's affecting you if it helps.

I don't think I can talk without crying, could email/text them but don't see any point, not sure what they can do. It's horrible when you know you're sinking and can't do anything to stop it. Why do the bad thoughts always come back? I'm pregnant ffs, what am I doing? I can't be in a bad place again. Scared.

It winds me up on other threads when people say 'ring your local crisis team'. You can't just ring them up! Why do people think this. You have to ring 111, speak to an untrained advisor, who then asks a nurse to ring you back. Who then says you need to see a GP, so go to ooh or a&e. You then wait hours for appt, and eventually the GP listens to you sobbing and begging for help. You then get sent home, exhausted, with instructions to get in touch with your own GP or cmht the next day!

I think it depends on your local area, mine tell you to go via OOH (unless cmht have referred you), so I get what you mean.

When a person has depression, that is when they may think that they are horrid.
You are not a horrid person.

Scream if you want to. Go to bed if you want to.
And your family do love you. And you have friends who love you too. Theses are things you know when you are feeling better.

It is hard. Cannot ring crisis teams directly in many places. What MH teams want is for people to contact them 9-5 mon to fri and for them to decide to out you under a crisis team ( which is genrerally for more than a weekend, they take people on until the acute crisis has passed and then they go back to their normal support people). But not everyone knows a crisis is about to hit which is the problem so sadly either a gp can refer which is a bit easier or go to OOH or a walk in centre where see a nurse/dr. OOH can refer straight to crisis team in many areas but as you have found out speaking to advisor, getting a call back and then waiting for an appointment takes hours which is why many go straight to a and e as it can be quicker - in a real emergency a and e is ideal, but 111 can be helpful if need emergency medication or assessment as well.

Have you been given any extra suppor to help you at this time OP?

I haven't been given extra support from cmht. But will have support from midwife if I go ahead with it.

Feel so flat. Keep getting comments on how well I look, must be the hormones, I don't feel good. I feel fat and horrible.

Hi worried, good to hear from you today. You have a lot on your plate at the moment Is there anyone you can discuss pros and cons with?

I've talked about things a lot, I guess there are more pros than cons to have the termination, but I want to be a good mum if I can. I saw my mh worker this morning and told her my moods quite low at the moment. She knows I've been like that for a while, and it's unlikely to change all of a sudden, I agreed, so she asked 'why am I having a baby then?'. Think she's trying to make me realise it'll be hard. I know it will be hard, it already is.

I told her if I go ahead with it, and become quite ill mentally, I don't want anyone to talk about the termination I could have had, or think I'm stupid, including her. I can try to control my depression but it's very hard, especially when that dark place creeps up on you and you suddenly find it hard to think rationally.

Just had another text from him, anxious about reading it.

Sorry some of that was meant for my other thread, getting muddled.

Hi good you had chance to chat with your MH worker. If you struggle with MH when the baby is under one there are sometimes places on mother and baby units until you stabilise - although older children cannot be with you. Limited places and generally only used if psychotic or dangerous but good to know of the option if you struggle post birth.

Also you could ask for a home start worker to come two days a week. And sure start centres can offer parenting classes or support workers from there to help people with parenting issues in their own home.

I'm really worried about ss, hoping things don't get to that, but I think if I'm really struggling they'd be involved in an instance. Mh worker has already mentioned that. I understand they are there for support, still very scary as you hear so many horror stories.

Hi, they should not be involved with your pregnancy unless you are seen to be a risk. But if you struggle to cope with the baby when born and with your other child then the onky funding for support workers and care packages is often found through SS. As midwives stop input shortly after birth and HV can only offer a limited amount of time due to their workloads, although can suggest some great courses and groups at the bigger sure starts. And many sure starts have a self referral system for people to ask for a children's centre worker to see them for issues to do with general parenting.

But if you need respite care or help managing at home then it is not usually the role of MH team - they can onky offer the package you have now, but the role of SS to assess what support and funding they can provide. Depending on own income and support from the father some of that can be one privately - such as use of nurseries to get a break, a mother's help type person can be most helpful etc.

I've a strong feeling they could get involved as I am sometimes a risk to myself, and if I get like that when I'm pregnant, there's a risk to the baby too. I get what they're saying, and I hope I don't reach crisis point, but I can't always control it.

Waiting to hear what psychiatrist says about meds as I have taken mine since suffering from bad sickness for a few weeks.