I was badly sexually abused as a child to the point I disassociated from the event. However at age 13 i developed scizoaffective disorder. When manic or depressed I remembered the abuse and my psychosis acted on it for example when depressed I am scared to leave the house believeing everyone is trying to rape me and I have hallucinations of being raped by different people (not always human) I can feel touch and smell them when they are raping me.
When manic I believe my blood is poisoned and God speaks to me that I am the angel of darkness and any abusive man to see or touch my body will be punished. So I've just come down from a manic episode.
During which I had a six month affair I was beaten and raped during the process. I became addicted to drugs and slept with a dealer for drugs. I also found a online man to sext who was into Sado masachism and liked me to hurt myself which I did as I believed he would be severely punished.
I did all these things with the belief these men would be punished by god as I was so special.
Now I've come down and come home and tonight I have to confess that not only did I sleep with two men and sext a third but I am also addicted to drugs. He is going to kick me out and I deserve it I can't believe what I have done.
My hcp say I should not tell him but I can't live a lie he deserves the truth and the opportunity to leave me.
I'm just scared for my kids I don't want to be a single mum when I get so mentally I'll that I know they will end up caring for me if I tell him. I don't want to do this I just want to commit suicide so I don't have to see the look on his face and then my kids can stay with their dad as I'll be gone.