can't fight this anymore

[Littlelynne123]

Ive had major depressive disorder for 9 years triggered by the birth of my ds. Last year on about my 4 or 5 hospital admission I was diagnosed with psychotic depression as I was experiencing hallucinations. I have been 'steady' for a few months despite three med changes (I have tried everything! ) but the last couple of weeks have got progressively worse and I've been overdosing on whatever I can get my hands on. Subsequently I have had no 'proper' medication for a week and noone is helping me. My psychiatrist is on holiday I am niw under home treatment but they are an utter waste of nhs resources but because I am under them my gp won't prescribe anything. My therapist has not got back and I have just been told by my gp that he is leaving (I've been seeing him 7 years). I am a single parent to two children and have no family support. I have one friend who is at ger wits end with me. I can't continue to look after my children. Noone is doing anything. I hate myself. They hate me and want to be with their dad. I want whats best for them and I am not that anymore. I am damaging them. I just can't see a way out now. I am on my own this weekend and am so scared of what I will do. Its when I know they are safe that I self harm and od. Noone is helping and its getting worse by the minute. I've even tried the samaritans and mind and rethink but still get nowhere. Does any one have any suggestions at all because I just don't know what to do?

I have no advice other than a message of support. You sound like you are having such a tough time, is there anyone from the home treatment team that has been helpful? Could you ask to see them again.

Would you consider going into hospital? It might be the break that you need.

I hope someone comes along with better advice than me. Take care x

I would go to A&E if you don't have a crisis care team that can help you right at this moment. You need to keep yourself safe.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. There has seriously been noone in the crisis/home treatment team who has helped at all.
a&e treat you like scum and I have bruised wrists from the police 'helping' with handcuffs.
my last hospital admission was very traumatic and even accepted by my psychiatrist that it did more harm than good. I know it will stop the behaviour but it doesn't take away the thoughts and desires.

I just don't know what to do with my boys. I just want whats best for them and I really believe that I am not that. They've suffered this all their lives and I can put a stop to it for them by not being around. it would be a relief for them I know.

I logged into mums net tonight to talk about a friend who has just killed himself , he's left behind a 7 year old who will never recover from the loss of his father , as we will never recover from the loss of our friend . I cannot stress strongly enough to you that you must seek immediate help with these feelings ... I empathise very strongly with you , but your children would not be relieved by losing you , they would be destroyed . I've just watched it happen to my friends son . You need some help with this , I wish you well . If you are desperate as you sound you need to call an ambulance .

Your kids will be destroyed by losing you. I lost my mum when I was 4 and I can assure you 40 years later, I still wish daily she was here. Perfect or not. Can you seek a different balance of access so that you still get time with your kids but also have time to look after you?

I really appreciate your advice. I understand and respect what you're saying and I feel so sorry for your losses.

I'm at the stage where people and professionals just don't know what to do (their words). I can't put my children through this. I also can't (selfishly) sit and watch someone else bring them up. I'm just at a complete loss.

Thank you xx

You have to remember that all of this stuff is transitional , you need to hold onto the fact that you WILL feel better , and be the mother you always wanted to be ... this is going to sound facetious , but are you getting enough exercise ..? speaking as a clinical depressive all my life .. medication isn't always good enough for the whole picture ...

I upped my exercise after my last admission. I know medication is not the answer - been on too many to know that. I know it gets better but it also gets worse again and thats what im struggling with

Baby steps ... one day , it won't get worse again . I believe that for all of us x