Repeat of a thread in chat, sorry. MIL with dementia and MS, FIL can't cope.

[ThePost]

MIL has MS, is completely wheelchair bound, is doubly incontinent and has what looks like dementia / psychosis. FIL has been her carer for years but was diagnosed with Parkinsons last year, He physically and mentally cannot cope anymore. We are overseas and can't help FIL. MIL was taken into hospital last week literally ranting, raving and tearing her hair out. She is vicious towards FIL. She needs 24 hour medical and mental health care.
Today FIL has been told that there is not enough medical evidence that she has dementia and she will have to go home. He told them that he can't cope with her needs anymore. TBH, I think he is suicidal. Social services, hospital doctors and FIL were meant to have a case meeting today, FIL turns up to be told that the meeting has been cancelled. Unofficially, FIL and MIL's sister have been told that the best way forward would be for FIL to let MIL come home, FIL to move out for a month and leave MIL alone with a panic button and carers coming in 3 times a day. Doubly incontinent? Well, they can put incontinence pants on her. Can't help herself if she falls? Well the more she presses the panic button, the greater the case they can build over a month that she needs help. The fact that she has dementia and probably wouldn't be in a position to use a panic button seems to have escaped them.
What can we do? Who should we approach for help? She needs to be in care. It seems unbelievable and barbaric to me that the authorities are basically telling FIL to abandon his mentally and physically ill wife. FIL is desperate and I have no idea who we should turn to. If social services are telling him to leave her, who else can help?
Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

I dont know the answer to this so am bumping.

Is her GP of any use?

Also, putting this on the elderly parents board as well as here should get some very good posts. They know their stuff over there. They have been through most things between them.

[sorry for suggesting yet another board]

No, thank you. I'll post on there too.

Hiya post I worked for SS til last year assessing people. If she's in hospital they need to request a social work assess before she can go home. FIL has to say he cannot cope with her being in the house. The agressiveness needs to be mentioned. If she really needs 24 hr care and Fil can't cope SS have a duty of care to place her somewhere to prevent carer breakdown. Would dhe beable to stay at home without his help I.e with just carers coming in? Or is she at so much of a risk to herself that she can't be left alone? D?

Thanks for your input, fluffy.

If she is in hospital, he must refuse to take her home.
Adult social services will be involved but he needs to just keep saying no.

The poor man, it's just such an awful situation.

Agree with fanny tbh my gran has dementia and that's what we had to advise grandad to do :( bed blocked until they found her somewhere (lovely place)

I agree with others, he has to refuse to take her home, involving the MP is useful and will get promt results.

Your poor FiL. This sounds like a terrible situation. Can you speak with Age UK or Carers UK?
Your FIL needs to refuse to take her home and force a full assessment of her needs.

Has he had a carer's assessment and do you have a social worker? Also do you have a care plan in place for her? Sorry lots of questions. The Alzheimer's Soc May also be able to help. It's so hard I know, I've been through it myself, moving home to care for my dad who had dementia and was also losing his sight. In the end he had to go into a care home as I couldn't cope with it any more.

There is also another thread on dealing with elderly parents who have dementia, they may also be able to give you advice. Unfortunately it's often a case of pushing hard on all the agencies and saying that it has reached crisis point. I hope you find some resolution with this, it's a very difficult and upsetting situation for everyone. Could he get some respite care for your mum, just to give him a break?

Absolutely what everyone else has said.

Your DFIL must refuse to have her home. He can do that and they have to find her somewhere.

If they do not have a social worker, ask for the duty social worker at the hospital. MIL needs an assessment. It is imperative that he does not bow into pressure. Say no, keep saying no and repeat. He has reached crisis point. He is unable to care for her. She is a danger to him and to herself.

Can you come over for moral support? Is there anyone available to be an advocate for them. I went through the system last year with my mum ( dementia). I had to fight, insist and question everything to get her into a nursing home with continuing health care. Unfortunately they will lie and twist facts ( sorry to any HCPs out there, I know there are good ones) It is all about money, not about what is best for the patient. Good luck.