MNers who were very lonely and depressed and no longer are - How did you break free from the loneliness?

[LonelyAndNumb]

Hi, found correct section for this post - accidentally posted in chat.

I am 26, live and work in London and have been here for 2 years now. In these 2 years, I have not made a single friend or had any type of romantic relationship. If I'm honest it's at least 90% my own fault as I don't Put Myself Out There.

My days are basically: get up, get ready for work, work, come home exhausted at 6, eat, watch youtube vlogs of people surrounded by friends and family & read MN threads about DH's and DC's to make me feel less lonely (pathetic I know)

On the weekends, I drink alone and spend the two days in bed or drifting around the flat I rent.

Nothing happens in my life other than work. No laughter, no joy, definitely no happiness. I can't continue like this much longer tbh. My job is mostly a solitary type of job, so I can go for days without speaking to another person.

I have to stop myself from crying most nights in bed, I feel so empty and numb and like my life has no meaning, I don't think I am suicidal or anything but I would genuinely welcome death. I have nothing to live for - my father died of cancer when I was 17 and my mother killed herself when I was 21. I'm an only child, so I don't have any family support or anything like that.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess to see if anyone else ever felt like this and how they dealt with it.

What realistic things can I do to feel alive and even happy again?

(((HUG))) To Put Yourself Out There is a scary thing, and the longer you postpone it the scarier it gets. The first priority is to just get you in touch with people, any people, so that you can have the human interaction that is so important for our mental wellbeing. I suggest volunteering and/or a hobby. The great thing about both of these is that you go somewhere with a purpose, you're not just hanging about a club hoping to catch someone's eye. So contact your local animal shelter and ask about walking dogs over the weekend, or an old age home where you can maybe read to someone or a homeless shelter where you can help to prepare and serve food. Take a short course in calligraphy, a new language, pottery... whatever may interest you. If you feel like nothing interests you, just pick one. The object of the exercise is to get you out of the house and interacting with people. If you go to pottery lessons for a month and you hate it then stop, that's ok, at least you tried something new and met some people. Do you think you could do something like that?

more (((hugs))) here. I did feel like you felt for a while in my twenties while I was working... it was very lonely. But things did improve. I switched jobs to one where I started to get to know a few people and would occasionally get together after work. I also did an evening course... LastingLights advice is good. It is about practice - try something out and it will gradually get easier. Volunteering is good cos it's nice to feel useful and you sometimes get to meet other volunteers.... evening courses can be helpful - is there something you've been tempted to try? Me I like the arty stuff, my friend is learning tap dancing! Start with just one thing... and it will help. Wishing you well x

You are so young!! Go for it. Put yourself out there. I haven't been at rock bottom, but nearly there. I got out of the house. Don't get stuck in the work, home, telly, bed routine.

Can you tell us a bit more about yourself? What you like, (or used to like) to do, read, watch; what field you work in; whether you ever did any sport for fun; where you grew up: that sort of thing. Maybe someone would come up with a few specific ideas for things you might try in London, that might be right for you.

You have been through hell: your parents' history is terribly, horribly sad, and difficult to cope with at any age, but especially when you were so young. I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and had to suffer all alone.

[Waves] London is hard, it always seems as is everyone is so busy and socially active with no time for friendships.

Be kind to yourself, but try to find ways of gradually putting yourself out there - there are tons of short courses in london, lots of really interesting creative and practical stuff - good way of meeting people, where everyone is focussed on a task and has to talk to each other. Also, lots of speed-dating/flat-dating events are actually really good for meeting people who become friends as well as finding partners - don't knock them until you've tried them. Once you build up your confidence a bit a new job might be in order.

Good luck - I have social anxiety and have lived in London a year and if i didn't have my arty course I wouldn't speak to anyone either.

I'm sorry for your losses.

I agree, London can be such a lonely place, which is weird because it's so full of people and so much to do! But I had a year very much like yours. I found myself crying and drinking too much and eventually really forced myself to get out there. It took a while but I did connect with some people, which led to other people, and so on.

Would you say what part of London you live in? What kind of things do you like to do?

Volunteering and community events are a good way to go.
I also became quite fond of going to films by myself (the Barbican is great for this)
Look for food co-ops and other sharing organisations, usually people are quite welcoming and friendly

Don't feel like you have to accumulate a big social life -- usually if you just meet one or two people, that's an entree into a wider social circle.

I know it's tough but you just need a few pieces of luck and life will be very different, so hang in there.

Hi there,

Firstly, I'm also 26 and in London, so I'll PM you, if that's okay, I can relate to some of what you're going through.
You say you haven't made friends or had a relationship since being in London, where did you move from? How were things in your home town? though I guess you must have felt like a fresh start given everything you have been through, sorry about your parents.

Is there any chance of changing jobs or moving to a houseshare? Nice housemates could become friends? Or if you like animals, I find having a pet really helps me.

As for drinking, how much do you have at weekends? Do you find it's helping?

Hi L&N. Before you moved to London where you doing things outside of work? If you were then are they maybe the interests you still have that you can pick up again? Is there anything near work or home that runs evening courses that you could give a try eg there are often taster days run at the start of or end of terms. What about your local libraries - have you visited any? They always have interesting ideas on their noticeboards and have been trying all sorts of interest days or weekly sessions to keep people visiting them. All those already suggested like volunteering can help you to meet new people it can be interesting and give you ideas from talking to others even if you try one thing and end up doing something so try things and move on if you feel one thong isn't what you were after. In the mean time keep popping into MN I do find it helps at times and can surprise me and make me have a good laugh too - all good for you. Just ignore anyone being unkind either on MN or in RL.

I think losing both your parents by the time you were 21 will have had a massive impact, which I suspect is a major contribution to your loneliness, this must be doubly hard with having no siblings as well. We're these people around, I suspect your lonliness would be much much less.

However, we have to deal with what life has dealt us. Could you change your job to one where you could meet more people? I'm sure there must be social groups and stuff like that in London. I also think you should see your Gp. You are coping with a lot at quite a young age IMO.

I think losing both your parents by the time you were 21 will have had a massive impact, which I suspect is a major contribution to your loneliness, this must be doubly hard with having no siblings as well. We're these people around, I suspect your lonliness would be much much less.

However, we have to deal with what life has dealt us. Could you change your job to one where you could meet more people? I'm sure there must be social groups and stuff like that in London. I also think you should see your Gp. You are coping with a lot at quite a young age IMO.

And whilst you say you don't feel suicidal, you talk about welcoming death. This is actually known a passive suicide ideation, so I think you need to go to Gp quickly.

Oh love London can be so lonely I really feel for you. It's extra hard because you don't just see people around and everyone's so busy that you don't really make friends naturally. But you can do it... If you put yourself out there and invest in making friends. I know how tiring London can be but you need to push yourself in order to change things. Firstly there are tons of Meet Up groups in London where you can get involved in anything you are interested in, languages, food, culture, sport, dating or just friendship. There are also lots of supper clubs that might be a good way to meet people as they are quite intimate. I know it's hard but this is your life and if you make a start eventually you will create a social group around you. Life's too short to be lonely and you are living in one of the most amazing cities in the world ( wish I still lived there myself but moved back to my home town to look after my elderly dad and there's nothing to do here so I'm kind of starting over and do relate to your situation )

There's also Mumsnet meet ups, have you thought about that?

Best of luck and just take it one step at a time, you'll get there!

Hiya
I felt very lonely recently, moving alone to a new city for a job. I was suffering from anxiety at the time, and still am to a lesser extent. The winter darkness didn't help, and I was exhausted after work, which I found particularly tiring because I was so anxious about it. I never had to deal with the losses you have dealt with though, so I hope this doesn't sound like I'm making it seem simple. I really feel for you.

Things that have helped:
Getting out there, really. It's hard to have the enthusiasm to go out at the end of the day, but I planned ahead, researched things to go to that followed my interests, and made myself do it. Especially planning ahead for weekend activities, as weekends can be long and lonely. meetup.com is great. A lot of sports clubs meet at weekends, and the exercise and outdoors is good for the mood as well.

I found it takes much longer to get to know people as a working adult than it did as a teenager or student, because most clubs are once a week or so, so you have to go for a couple of months before you really get to know people. Try things out, find ones that seem fun and friendly and then invest the time in becoming a familiar face.

I houseshare rather than renting a flat. Partly to save money but also for the social aspect. It hasn't worked out perfectly in that I don't really do much with my housemates outside the house, but it is nice to have people to chat to in the evenings.

Meeting people at work. I know changing jobs is a huge step, but it might be worth considering. Or could you ask to take on tasks that would involve more working with colleagues?

Working on mental health issues. I've done a lot of counselling and a lot of self-help, particularly journalling and a bit of cbt. If your thinking patterns are distorted by anxiety or depression socialising gets that much harder. There is help available and you deserve to get it. It can take a bit of persistence to find the right help, that's something many people on this board can help you with.

I really prioritised fighting loneliness and fixing my mental health issues, at this point in my life it's more important to me than career advancement, so I try to avoid doing extra work and have turned down projects that would be stressful and involve being away a lot.

Sorry for the essay! Can you tell us a bit more about yourself? Any hobbies you've enjoyed in the past? What do you find relaxing? Anything that you kind of fancy trying your hand at, however strange?

Just wanted to send you a big hug OP. I would really second joining a club (hobby) / taking up an interest - learn something new & you will meet people more easily that way because it's less forced. When I have low days I always get out of the house for a long walk - something usually happens to cheer me up; I see an unusual animal or the sunshine cheers me up, or I have a nice encounter with another human being!

Why not join an outdoor swimming club, or a sailing club, or go rock climbing, or join a walking club - the latter would probably do some amazing trips to places like the Lakes etc & such beautiful places always lift your spirits!

National trust also do working holidays which are cheap-ish & you work as a group to eg build a wall or path.

HUGS!!!

Hi again,

There's lots of good suggestions on here, but I'm aware, if you're feeling anything like how I've done, that this may feel overwhelming. I would suggest you see your GP and just read out your post. It may be that some anti-depressants would help pick your mood up enough for you to embark on starting a new thing, or that they could refer you to some sort of counselling. As lots of people have said, you've had so much to deal with at a young age, and it will take time to recover from. Take care.