just losing it really..can't keep going

[FeelingLos]

I just have got to the end of my tether and feel I am on the verge of a breakdown and don't quite know what to do next.

I'm exhausted = mentally, physically, emotionally. I have been a single parent for 18 years, my ex was abusive, mentally and emotionally and also became physically quite aggressive when I was pregnant, resulting in me having my daughter prematurely. He disappeared when she was a few weeks old, didn't have contact for a few years and I decided to go to uni when she was young and moved from south london to north london. I really struggled with depression when she was young and moving helped but I have never really got myself back to a 'good' place. I don't have any family (about ten years I lost my much loved grandparents and my mother very closely together; my father had died when I was young).

I have done okay in many respects. I went back to uni and did a degree then a PGCE, but I have always been very very pushed financially. At one point ExP was giving me a small amount each month but that stopped and he has disappeared again. To be honest it is better off him not in our lives, I did try hard to have a friendly relationship with him for our daughters sake and it worked for a while but as soon as she became older all the lies and the deceit he had done in the past came out and he started bullshitting her in the way he had me; she is now not wanting contact with him, pretty disgusted, and I don't blame her. We don't really know where he is now anyway and he has stopped returning calls to her or me for the last year because I had the nerve to ask him to give me some money he owes me.

I feel very low right now. The last few years have been horrible; a close friend died of cancer, my daughter's best friend was in a horrific car accident; I've been evicted once and now face it again. Housing has always been a problem as I cannot afford a mortgage so have always lived in rented accom but never been able to access social housing so it's always been private. Right now for example my rent is about 80% of what my income is and my income will decrease again soon as daughter will be 18 and off to uni so child tax credits are stopping. I've been issued an eviction notice and I know I cannot find anywhere else as I don't have work or previous landlord references.

In the last few months I have had a cancer scare, had an operation to remove abnormal cells and now am waiting for the results.

And I am just exhausted. I've taken antidepressants for years. Don't really feel I am getting much help from them. I have had therapy through my doctors and it did really help but I have had the limit of how much I was allowed so that ended about a year and a half ago. I went back to my doctors a couple of weeks ago but the answer was just 'up the dose, come back in a month".

I just feel like the last few years I have been running on empty. I haven't had a permanent job, periods of unemployment and short term jobs only; my finances are an utter mess; I struggle from day to day just trying to keep my head above water. I have always lived in rented property. I tried dating again a couple of years ago, as daughter was getting old and ended up just getting messed around by a (lying) married man.

I want to sort my life out but I just don't know where to start. There is a part of me that just thinks; let go, have a breakdown, stop trying to cope; it sounds stupid I know but the thought of going into hospital actual appeals.

My confidence is at rock bottom and I don't want to be this person any more. I've felt suicidal in the past but my daughter is the the one thing that I feel I succeeded at and I couldn't do it to her, but part of me just thinks god she so deserves a better mother then me.

Your daughter has a wonderful, capable and loving mother. I'm sorry that the world is being so tough on you. There's a lot going on in your post, and it's not hard to see why this is wearing.

I wonder whether trying to sort out all of those things but by bit might be helpful. I don't want to try to fix things or patronise if that's not really what you want right now, but I wonder whether doing something like taking to CAB about your finances might help as a start? You can also get counselling for not very much money/no money from trainee counsellors, which might be an option for you?

Did you ever work as a teacher after your PGCE? What kind if work do you do, or want to do? I'm sorry if this kind of questioning isn't really what you want, but I hope you get some support here.

thank you for the message. it was nice to feel noticed!

yes, I have had a number of teaching jobs - but they have been temp covers/supply jobs usually, often with quite long gaps in between - I teach a subject which isn't in short supply so there isn't that many jobs out there (the last long term job I had was in a school that started with 3 full time subject specialists, by the end of the year it was cut to 1)

Basically, when I've had full time work, I've been okay financially, getting by, but not having much work the last two years has been really hard. I can get part time or supply work occasionally but it's not enough to live on, realistically, no matter how tightly I budget; (and I do!) after the rent and bills, I'm left with about £45 a week for everything else, for clothes etc, so never any savings or emergency money.

I've been to counseling before and found it either awful or okay, but really until I had the clinical therapist I didn't really feel I made many breakthroughs. But I have been looking for somewhere I can go.

Right now I am in a state as I realised earlier that I hadn't gone to the jobcentre on friday for an appointment. I have been signing on this year but not finding work. (The trouble is, my CV does look very holey these days, which doesn't help when there are so many people applying. I very rarely even get interviews except for agencies, which are just odd days work usually). I just totally forgot I should have gone in Friday; after the operation I had I had an infection and last week was taking antibiotics which made me feeling really sick constantly, and well I just forgot. Totally forgot, which is a symptom of how addled my brain in right now. So i am dreading going in tomorrow in case I am fined for not attending which is very likely :( Crap

FeelingLos - you are amazing! 18 years a single parent; providing for and cherishing your Dd; enduring the utter housing stress of repeated moves and massive rent (80 pc cripes); prioritising your dd to try to keep workable interaction with prat ex until he fucked off ; enduring huge personal losses; having cancer concerns; and this is just a tiny smattering of the things in your post.

I will say it again: you are amazing. I am not surprised you are desperately exhausted beyond words! You have been enduring an incredible, indescribable amount. It would have broken many other people. But you have endured and your love for your dd shines through.

I haven't got anything v helpful to say practically - but I had to reply to your post. Because I think you are heroic and admirable. And you deserve to be hugged and cherished and told how amazing you are.

I hope the JC are understanding tomorrow. Are you still signed up for agencies? Is it worth approaching them again for more long-term positions? Or something similar but different to fill out your cv again. Are you still in N London?

Do keep looking for a counsellor that will suit you again. I know what you mean about them being a bit hit and miss, but it sounds like it would be worth finding someone again.

Keep keeping on. You're doing great.

oh Bucket I cannot tell you how that touched me, thank you so much. I don't feel very amazing, I just get through each day. I did all I could for my daughter and now that she is grown up and ready to leave home I feel so empty and lost. Often I feel that I am missing out on so much life because I am scared to put myself out there and get hurt again, but i am so very unhappy. I can't go on like this.

Thank you so much callamia ;they were okay. The adviser I saw put me down as having been ill because of the side effects (I had an operation to remove some abnormal cells a few weeks ago and then had a bit of an infection, so two weeks ago I was put on antibiotics which made me feel really sick for week). But I I'm registered with agencies, yes, and have got an interview with another one on Wednesday. Lots of jobs come up this time of year, so I'm applying and applying. I would really like to find a temp admin job for the next few months, to get my confidence back a little, but there is so much competition for them and to be honest, as a recruitment agency told me, nobody really wants someone who is just gonna fill in and leave as they get the job they really want. But I do feel i have something to give. I can be organised, Ive done accounts for a charity, can type well. it's frustrating. I've done lots of volunteering but can't seem to get paid for work :(

I cried for about an hour tonight over the teacher who was stabbed in a school in Leeds today; such awful news. But it seems I am crying just all the time right now anyway. I know I need some support through this but I am scared of seeing a counselor that isn't a proper mental health professional. I was seeing a woman before who actually in retrospect did me a lot of damage because (not in these blunt terms) she basically told me to 'pull myself together' and the trouble is, I just can't. I'm trying and for every step forward I feel like I make one backwards. There are so many days where it is a massive struggle to get out of bed. Massive. And I don't want to feel like this any more.

I'm glad the JC were sympathetic. Good to hear about the recruitment interview next week, and I'm not so sure about not being wanted for admin roles because you don't want to be there forever - isn't that what a temp is for? Would learning support work suit you, or would it not really pay the bills? I assume you'd be overqualified, but I'm sure you could find that work pretty easily, or tutoring? You've clearly got a lot of useful and relevant skills.

The counsellor that made you feel bad was clearly in the wrong job... Would you consider just trialling someone new? Kind of interviewing them in the first session to see whether they suit you (before you invest any real time and feeling with them). You are doing a good job - and things will move forward again. Once one thing goes right, other things will slot into place; job, house, etc. It does all sound scary for you - your daughter leaving is a huge deal, and I think you need to do something to really congratulate yourself for getting her to this point.