Husband just told me to "cheer up"

[tearoomtrash]

I've been having a hard time for a few months now; low mood, not finding the joy in anything, lack of any motivation, difficulty sleeping. I started a new and highly pressured job in November, full time after maternity leave. I'm finding it really hard - there is so much to learn and I have some relationship issues with a couple of colleagues who feel I'm not up to the job, and who like to engineer situations to make this apparent to those who report to me. I am physically and emotionally tired.

Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, I have found myself in the role of breadwinner (DHs current salary doesn't even cover half of mortgage but this has potential to change fairly quickly as he is self employed and working on lots of potential new projects) so there are no options available to change my work situation, at least for a while. I accept this and fully support his venture - if it goes well it will be great for our future and I may be able to work part time or at least in a less pressurised environment.

My husband has woke in the night several times to find me wide awake and crying silently. I have been very open about how I feel and my concern for my emotional wellbeing. During these chats he has been very supportive and comforting, but a couple of days later it's like it didn't happen. I am good at putting a positive face on, so I can kind of understand to a point. I doubt anyone else would realise how I'm feeling.

Today I am feeling particularly low. Sat in my dressing gown and not wanting to engage. He offered to take DD out to give me a break but as he left his parting shot was "cheer up". When I reacted badly to this, he kept asking "what's wrong?".

I know I'm being ridiculously over sensitive, but I now feel like he hasn't really listened to anything, and under even more pressure to be "ok".

I hate feeling like this.

He's probably knows you need to rethink this new job, but is scared of the implications. So denial is attractive.

You need to talk about other options - a mortgage break maybe, or him supporting you better to, say, change jobs.

He sounds like a lot of men (my husband is one): not very good at the emotional side of things. He means well, but he doesn't really know what to say. Plus, he probably thinks that part of your misery is caused by him, not being able to provide enough for you right now.

I don't have any great ideas for you but I would say this: get dressed. Don't sit in your dressing gown all day. Have a shower or a bath, pamper yourself a bit, get dressed, maybe even go out with him and dd if you can. You need to take care of yourself now, so you have the strength to deal with tomorrow when it comes.

Sorry, I'm not much good at this.

Firstly, have you seen a doctor about your mood? It sounds like you need some support, especially of you are unable to change the circumstances that are making you so unhappy.

I know it sounds uncaring coming from someone who doesn't understand how low you feel. However, lots of people (especially men I find) want to try and solve the problem for you. When they can't they try to make you feel better by saying these things.

It's a bit of a joke with my DH now, when I'm low or stressed he'll often say to me 'just cheer up' or 'just don't worry about it'. He says it tongue in cheek as I've heard these from so many people so often that it's stupid now!

Try telling him that he can't fix this problem and that what you need is when you say you feel low a response like 'wow that is shitty' or 'yeah I understand' is better than 'cheer up'

Have you seen your GP? You need too, as a matter of urgency.

If your work situation can't change, then you need help dealing with pressure and stress, and they can help you with that.

Thanks for reading Linerunner.

We have had those discussions but it comes down to the fact that if I leave, he will need to find a job - perhaps still not matching my salary. His business is literally at a crossroads where it could either explode and do really well, or Peter out. Everything is looking pretty good for him at the moment but there is no money yet.

My job situation is quite unusual, explaining might out me, but I wouldn't be able to command this salary elsewhere - at lest not for a few years. So I am trapped to a degree. Houses on the market on our street have not sold so there is no instant solution and I have accepted this.

He has given the business a deadline, whereby he will throw in the towel if he hasn't achieved what he hopes for by this point.

I'm not entirely convinced that changing these things would necessarily make me feel better, anyway.

I just need him to understand how terribly low I feel. I thought he did until this morning.

Thanks everyone.

I haven't seen my GP. My husband has suggested it. I don't know what's holding me back. Fear of confirming what I already suspect maybe.

Maybe he just expressed himself badly. We all have those moments when we mean well but open mouth and insert foot. I would give him the benefit of the doubt tbh, he seems to have been doing the right things until now

He is a good man, I have no doubts there. We have always been a good team but my current negativity is spoiling things. I wish I could snap my fingers and feel like I used to.

I agree, see your gp, it sounds as if you may be suffering from depression. The reluctance to go to the doc was for me a part of the depression itself - you worry that they won't take you seriously and will think that you're just being silly. Don't worry about that, your gp sees lots of people who are depressed and will help you.