Im really struggling right now with something that happened 9 years ago. I dont remember alot of it and because of the scenario I just cant remember if what he did was wrong or if I feel so bad about it just because I was in a bad place at the time. I really need some perspective on it. I've seen alot of therapists about it but over time my memory of it just gets worse and I question myself. I think I just need to see peoples opinions on this. Just a bit of advice would help.
When I was 15 something happened with a friend of a friend I didn't know very well. School finished early so I couldn't get in my house (no key). He saw this and asked if I wanted to go for a walk and when it started raining we took shelter under a bridge in a fairly secluded area. He had been trying it on with me and I remember telling him I didn't want anything to happen as I had a boyfriend at the time. Things happened anyway. I'm struggling to remember my reaction to them happening though. In past diaries I've re-read recently I vaguely mentioned that I froze up and tried to blank it out. He got me back to his house somehow and I think I just gave in to him in the end. I was a bit scared of him.
Its all incredibly blurry, the bit I remember most is coming back home in tears and my parents ignoring me. I don't think at the time of it happening that I wanted it to happen but I cant remember what was going through my mind. I just know how I felt afterwards.
I was a really troubled teenager, suicidal, bad relationship with my parents and no friends at the time I could talk to. I remember even though I felt awful about what happened Im ashamed to say I tried to put it in the back of my mind and I arranged to meet up with him again because I convinced myself I was just being silly for feeling how I was feeling and maybe hes ok after all. It went on for about a week before I realised how damaging it was.
Sorry if that all didnt make much sense, its just like white noise in my head at the moment and Im trying my hardest to figure it all out. I don't even know what I'm asking for really. Has anyone had a situation like this where they've felt a similar way?