Hello. Sorry it's a moan. Been on here before now and again in the past with another username in a support type way- it feels really wrong to be having a moan, but I don't feel anyone will understand my situation who doesn't have kids and a MH problem.
I've had problems with depression since my teens, sometimes better than others, and medication has worked well for me (when I have taken it) during the last 15 years. I've got 3 young kids and am on my own. I've been on my own for 2 years. I don't usually feel sorry for myself, but I've been going down a bit of a spiral of feeling that way, and at the moment I just can't stop crying. Looking after the kids is really hard, taking them to school and having people ask if you're alright is embarrassing.
I'm just stuck with the idea that I must be a really horrible person, as most people who have been really close to me- my family, my ex, were pretty nasty to me, at times. There must be something about me, when people really know me, that is awful. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive and ex was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. Ex and I went to relate after he moved out- which was beneficial but I couldn't trust him again and he didn't move back. Funnily enough I get on ok with everyone now- although a lot of the time I wish I had no contact with my parents at all.
I was really happy a few years ago. I had a job I enjoyed, a husband and loved, lovely children. I miss my old life. Now, I'm on benefits, on my own whilst husband is living with a new girlfriend. Stuck in a mouldy 2 bed house with my 3 kids. No proper job (casual extremely work which causes headaches with benefits but I can't do just benefits as I don't like not working at all) No prospects. Can't keep the house clean or tidy. Struggle to provide them with clean clothes. Get told off by the school for not doing homework/whatever with the kids. I don't do enough with the kids. I feel that I had a c**p upbringing and that I am making my kids go through the same thing. I feel that they would be better off with their dad, who has a good job, a nice girlfriend, no dirty mouldy house, and no mental health problems.
When I was in my late teens I had a few very serious suicide attempts, don't know how they didn't work I came to believe I was immortal. I keep thinking that I wished that they had, that I wasn't meant to be here, that things are worse because I am still here. I've got the problem of my kids- that I don't want them to have a depressed mother, as that will mess them up, and I know that if I were to do anything to myself that would mess them up too. So, I'm stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. Either way I am messing the kids lives up. I feel awful, that I am awful, and that I really shouldn't ever have had children, shouldn't be alive.
I just don't know what to do. I'm on anti-depressants, as I am on a permanent basis now, and have been taking them, but I feel completely overwhelmed. I even ended up engaging in self harm last night, which I've not done for 15 years, in an attempt to not feel suicidal, which worked briefly, but here I am again, feeling just as bad.