Am I a failure? Am I destined for a life on AD's?

[Monkeyrara]

I'm not sure what I hope to get out of this but just feel like I want to get it all out!

I've been on AD's on and off since I was 18 (now 32) to treat depression initially and then anxiety for the last 8 years. I've had numerous courses of counselling which seem to work and then I just slip back. I've had anxiety over all sorts - health, family dying, loosing feelings for my husband, even anxiety through fear of getting anxiety because the physical symptoms you get scare me much! Every time I feel ready to withdraw from AD's, I do it under careful watch of my GP but I ALWAYS end up back to square one a few months after being off them. Is it that my brain just isn't wired right?! Will I need them forever?

I had my son 2.5 yrs ago and withdrew from citalopram in order to conceive him. I remember the whole pregnancy I was an anxious, low mess and when he was born it was horrendous. I was terrified that I might want to hurt him and that I didn't love him, similar to the anxieties I used to get over my husband - my feelings were just numb. My GP put me on peroxotine as I was breastfeeding and as soon as it kicked in I felt a million times better. I was a normal happy functional human being.

When my son was 18 months old (so this time last yr) my dad passed away at 58 quite suddenly. Since then I've been grieving, supporting my mum, also supporting my husband who was made redundant at the same time so set up his own business - all while working 3 days a week and bringing up my son. Although all this sounds a lot, I think I coped ok and I think it was due to the paroxotine.

Now fast forward to 4 months ago and I decide to withdraw slowly from the AD's as we want another child. But despite trying so so hard, I am now the anxious mess I once was. I can't ever shake the constant anxious feeling, I get so stressed out about tiny things, I just want to sleep all the time, I can't cope with running a house properly with cooking and cleaning, I'm batting away negative thoughts constantly like "what if I can't cope with another pregnancy" "what if I spiral out of control and I can't take care of my son" etc etc.

Also lately my mind has been going over and over all the times I've been horrible to people in childhood etc and feeling intense guilt about it and ashamed. Is this normal? I don't know why now it's got to me so much?? Maybe because I have a child now and it would devastate me if he was like that? I don't know. But I can't stop thinking about it. Is this just me fixating on something and turning it into a massive anxiety?

I know I should go back to the GP but I'm really scared she'll say I shouldn't have any more children. Then my husband will be devastated and I'll be letting him down and my son down as I really want him to have a sibling. I already feel bad as there will already be a bigger gap than we would of wanted.

Sorry I've completely rambled on. I just had to get it all out as I woke up in a complete anxious state this morning I just feel like life is so bloody hard at times. Thank you if you've managed to read this far!

The GP won't tell you not to have any more children. At ,east, not if they are professional. Your mental health and your ability to be a great parent aren't necessarily related.

I'm a lifelong AD taker and treatment topper- upper, but I think it makes me overall a more empathetic person.

I don't agree that having mental illness is failure. It is a medical condition like any other, and perhaps you will always need to manage it with medication or other treatment. No problem. Take the meds and feel well.

I wish you loads of luck.

I don't think it's a failure to be on ADs. But there are other options, you need to have some tools to manage your anxiety to replace the ADs because just stopping without having a plan will be difficult. You said you had numerous courses of counselling but I wonder what type? Some really good treatment would give you the tools to manage your anxiety by yourself and to prevent problems escalating. Have you had any CBT that includes relapse prevention?

It's no more a failure for a depressive to be on ADs than it is for a diabetic to be on insulin. For some people mental illness is a temporary thing, but for some of us it isn't. Yes, it's annoying to feel that your brain is wired wrong, but c'est la vie for a lot of people. The important thing is to accept it and seek help, which it sounds like you have done, so keep doing it!

CBT can be very useful to give you tools when you start obsessing and fixating. Your GP can help you with that. I would be amazed if they said anything about having children.

Good luck

I suffer with depression and anxiety, although people probably wouldn't know it as I apparently come across as quite calm and together. I've been on and off ADs for years, and like you once I stop taking them I go back into the anxiety downwards spiral. I've now realised I just need to take them to keep me on an even keel. I remember someone on the TV (maybe Fern Britton our someone equally as random!) said they were on ADs for life, and its just the same as taking life long medication for any other illness. I believe my brain just needs a bit of assistance to work properly!

The doctor might be able to suggest medication that its safe to take when pregnant. I second CBT, even if its just to get you through TTC and pregnancy and turn you go back onto ADs again.

Exercise helps me too, if you can find something you enjoy. If I go for a run it helps me feel less anxious.

But yes definitely talk it through with your GP, and if they're not helpful speak to another one, because there are lots of different ways to help you.

Thank you so much everyone, I didn't expect anyone to respond let alone so quickly! You've really helped.

I did have a course of CBT going back quite a few years but to be honest I can't remember a lot about it. I think what I do is, once I feel better I'm so happy that I'm "cured" that I shove everything up in the loft (CBT notes, books etc) thinking that I shouldn't need them anymore. Just writing that down I can see the mistake! I need to keep working on things don't i. And you are all right about it just being the same as any other illness that you'd take medication for. I think I just need to learn to accept my brain just needs a little help like you say.

In what ways do you're anxieties come out when you don't take medication? I just feel like my various thoughts and fears that I've had during my anxiety periods are so weird and not "normal". Ie worrying about losing my feelings for my husband/son. The physical symptoms that come with this like my heads going to explode, sickness, tight chest and panicky feeing. It's fucking horrible.

OP, I get physical symptoms even when I'm on my meds!

I'm on ADs which keep my brain functioning normally most of the time. However, I get anxiety attacks which make my heart race, and also I feel like someone is emptying a watering can of freezing cold water, starting at my throat and going all down my body. My doctor says this is adrenaline. It feels revolting. For this I have beta-blockers, which I only take when I start to have one of these attacks. Being on ADs means I only need to use the beta blockers occasionally.

It's horrible because knowing, intellectually, that it's anxiety doesn't stop the physical symptoms, and they exacerbate themselves and you end up in a spiral. I get intrusive thoughts (part of my cocktail of mental illness is OCD, woo hoo!) on which I obsess. For this CBT was super helpful. I have an exercise where I draw out my 'thought path' going from how I feel to the terrible thing that is going to happen, and then I draw myself lots of 'diversions' that end up in a different destination than, for example, everyone hates me and I will die alone and be eaten by Alsatians.

Get your books out of the loft! I bet there's something in there that can help you. Practical exercises are so useful!

Thank you Blithereens, you describe it all so well. I'm sending my husband into the loft shortly to get my stuff and I'm going to go to the dr this week.
Thank you everyone, you've really helped :)

Hi OP

Yy to racing heart, dry mouth, shaking, not sleeping, crying, weird eating, lethargy, voice loss. Forgetfulness is a massive issue for me.

It is much less pronounced when I'm on my meds.

Great stuff and well done for taking control.

Good luck, OP!