Where do I start?

[MiloMummy]

Ok, firstly I feel dreadfully guilty posting this because I don't get to post that often so I feel like I'm taking more than I give but I could really use some help.

I just feel awful and I can't work out if I'm depressed. I mean I don't feel sad all the time. Sometimes I feel quite cheery and even elated but then I'll just nosedive and I can't see anything good about anything.

I have a wonderful 15 month old son who I adore but sometimes I feel very detached from him. I'm not sure if he likes me very much - sometimes I think I'm just a source of milk.

I work 2 jobs - 2 days a week in an office (which I hate but do for the money) and I have a party plan business (which I love and do more for the social aspect than the cash although that's good too!) DH looks after DS while I work. He's fine about the office job but doesn't see the party plan as work and makes me feel guilty for doing it (not purposefully - perhaps it's jsut me being sensitive) Last night he referred to my party plan job as me being "out galavanting".

We have had troubles on and off through our marriage - mostly down to lack of communication or wanting (or assuming we want) different things. But I love him very, very much. I know I can be very difficult to live with and have a firey temper sometimes, but he doesn't seem to realise that he's not so easy to live with either. I have tried talking to him but he always says he doesn't want to talk about it right now or "nothing's wrong" when it clearly is. How are we supposed to ever deal with these issues when he won't tell me what his issues are? Then it ends up me blurtign out all my issues with him and then I look callous. TBH I am starting to feel the same way - that I don't want to talk about it because I feel to weary to open that whole can of worms.

I also have an eating problem whihc is getting me down. I binge eat with no control then hate myself for it and promise I won't do it again which I promptly do the next day and hate myself for. I saw my GP who referred me to the mental health team but I didn't "meet their criteria" for help. I felt so rejected. I told DH about the eatign thing which took a lot of guts and he was initially understanding but he doesn't really understand (and how can I expect him to when I don't myself).

I lost my Mum 4 years ago (breast cancer) and I miss her so much. I can't bear the thought of my little boy going through that one day. I sometimes think that if I went now it would be easier for him becasue he wouldn't remember me but I would never do it. No one cares about me the way my Mum did - that unconditional love and that total interest and excitement about everything I did. There's so much I want to share with her (not least my beautiful boy).

I feel like crying sometimes but the tears never come. I think if I start I may never stop. If I were depressed would I not be in tears all the time? Would other people not notice? How can I be the happy, bubbly person I can be on the outside (and on the inside too) and yet feel so dark other times.

I just don't know where to start.

Thanks so much for reading (if you've got this far!!!) This has been very theraputic for me to write and I don't really expect you to reply to my waffley outpouring. Thanks again

(((((((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Don't really know what to say. You've had a lot to cope with over the past few years. Talking about things can help a lot, especially on here because people do not know you so they can't judge you. The treatment (or lack of) you got when you were brave enough to talk about your eating disorder was abysmal. Well done for taking the big step of trying to get some help. I'm sure there are people out there who can help you and I bet the advice will come rolling in from those who have been in the same boat. Take care.

Thank you both.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being overdramatic about everything and making it out to be worse than it really is.

No I don't think you are being dramatic at all. I have had PND twice and had anti depressants and counselling both times. I have often thought 'I should just pull myself together', but actually when you are depressed you CAN'T pull yourself together and sometimes it all gets too much of a struggle, doesn't it? You seem to have had a lot of traumatic and distressing things going on, it's no wonder you feel like you do. I will repeat the (((((big hug))))) and just say that things will get better but sometimes it takes a while, and all the bad stuff will eventually pass, however remote that seems now.

I don't think you are being overdramatic, if you have these feelings then they are there for a reason but perhaps you need to talk about them more to work them out. I know what its like to have problems with food.I'm 28 weeks preg and struggling with binge eating/ trying not to make myself sick even tho it makes me feel better. Your GP should be able to refer you to a cousellor within the practice so you can at least talk to someone about the control issues.
Try to treat yourself with the highest regard and take each day as it comes, pamper yourself a little.
Im really sorry about your mum.

Thank you SmallSara. I think I'm gonna call my GP again tomorrow. I just felt kind of embarrassed to go back after the rejection last time. My GP was lovely about it but then I got this letter back saying the mental health team had turned me down for help. It did offer practice councelling though. I had some about 3 years ago to help deal with my Mum's death and it helped.

I wish you well with coping with the binging (and with your pregnancy). I've never made myself sick but only coz I haven't got the guts (no pun intended). I've sometimes wished I could and have come close to trying. It's a path I really want to try to avoid.