Similar....also FT working single mum, masking MH issues

[wallaby73]

I saw the other thread and didn't want to monopolise but it's really struck a chord with me. I feel this is my "normal"; i work full time, seperated from DH 3 years ago amicably. We share the kids 50/50. At work, i'm competant, professional, i know i look good, healthy, i function pretty highly, or so it would seem outwardly. But the reality? When i don't have the kids, i often am tearful on my commute, i can get overwhelmingly anxious, i sit in the car outside the house and delay going in, i think i still struggle with feelings of guilt at ending my marriage. I don't regret it; we had become like siblings, no attraction or affection. We had been together since i was very young, we went through counselling which just reinforced our personal relationship was over but we have worked hard to co-parent together and it works well, kids are happy and stable. But at times i still feel an overwhelming sorrow for them, and a guilt that their childhood is spent shuttling between 2 houses (they haven't complained!) i had to intiate the split as DH was in total denial and did literally nothing to help save our marriage. He is a lovely man and was never intentionally neglectful, but he was so inert that i had to gently drive the whole seperation, and i suspect in his mind he was re-written it as me "doing it" and breaking up our family.

I can feel reasonably positive, but within the space of an hour i can swing to feeling utterly without hope, utterly pointless and very small. Sometimes when i don't have the kids i deliberately don't cook and can't be bothered to eat properly, no one IRL knows about this side of me. I feel so ashamed, i have had suicidal thoughts but recognise i am a million miles away from acting on them.

I feel like i have 2 lives, the competant articulate woman at work, i am a good mum, we have a close and loving fun and positive relationship. But when they aren't with me, it's like i fall into shadow (yes, i've nicked that from lord of the rings but it's the best phrase that comes to mind!)

I live in a beautiful part of the country, i try very hard when they aren't here, to get out and walk, run, do something positive for me. After i had DD (now 13) i had severe pnd. In some ways i feel like i've been forever altered by that ....praise be for citalopram! It saved me at the time. I don't know pnd made me much more aware of my own MH, so have been observant ever since, or if i had periods before but didn't recognise it.

Sometimes, everything just seems very hard? I have good friends IRL, but when i feel at my worst, i isolate myself.

People have said that since my marriage break up, i have blossomed in that i have become more "me", there is truth to that. But am i happier? No. Well, actually, i AM happier than i was in my marriage. Nor would i wish it hadn't ended, it's just a very different life, and i think there is an element of trying to find a new equilibrium as a single person, after being part of a couple for 15 years.

I'm not sure what i want out of this, not sure if anyone can help. Does anyone recognise these feelings or have any wisdom i would very gratefully take on board.

you've never mentioned if you have access to counselling now.
Would you consider it?

about this:
I still feel an overwhelming sorrow for them, and a guilt that their childhood is spent shuttling between 2 houses (they haven't complained!)

why aren't you trusting your kids that they don't mind it?

Thanks verymuch for replying; you are right. I should trust them, i think again, there's a degree of guilt that there lives have changed due to my / our failings.....but they are thriving, i need to put away with the self-flagellation. Counselling; i may jave access to some free sessions through work, but this would be during work time, which could be very difficult.

I split with my ex 5 years ago, my kids see much less of their dad than yours.
THe reason is that he gets confused how days are organised and recently his new gf was threatened by me "demanding" he sees them once a week on friday night in my house whilst I am out for that evening! (he only rents a room in a shared house so no real possibility of doing it there)
It looks like yours have much batter arrangement and I guess that is why they are not suffering.

I know mine were because I was trying to be accommodating and understanding.
Congratulate yourself for getting that right for your kids (smile).

In regards to how you feel about your life - are you enjoying your day as it is?
The (not so old cliche) of doing the gratitude exercise - think of 3 things you can be grateful for and 3 good things that happened to you that day. Can you do them? Try every evening before you go to sleep.

I can tell you mine 3 good things that happened to me yesterday.
1/ I listened to another chapter of an interesting book on my phone whilst walking my dog in the park.
2/ I offered help to 2 young women in the park who lost something and offered to use flash torch on my phone to help them. They didn't think I was a freak and were grateful for the offer.
3/Learned new skill at work. I work in IT and my team is in US. I suffer from that I am not being taught lots of bits and pieces to make my job more efficient. I was very unhappy about it but decided to be pro active and am finding it more productive.
4/ I caught up with my sleep in the afternoon ( get up for work at 4 am and by the end of the week I am usually exhausted. I also was on call last weekend and that makes me tired for the next week even more.

there are more moments like that - but this is just an example

I learned that how I feel about my day is mainly made up by my reasctions to what's happening to me. It is skill you can learn and if ypu persevere you are going to feel better every week you practice it.

Meditation helps me too.

I've never heard of the gratitude thing? Excellent idea, i will definately try that. Thanks for your kind words, i will cogitate further.....x

I am finding very helpful rading books by www.facebook.com/Pema.Chodron

In fact that chapter I was listening to was from one from her audiobooks.

Maybe listen to this, quite relevant to your post
www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=465668903102&set=vb.27357898219&type=2&theater

Wallaby I feel exactly the same. My split is imminent, instigated by me. Passive Dh. He took the dcs off for a weekend recently.....all I could do was cry and sleep. I am wracked with guilt, scared of how my dcs will cope with the split when Dh moves out and full of self doubt even though my marriage has been dysfunctional and I have been so very lonely. Everyone thinks I am doing great....I am not.

Wallaby I recognize your feelings as well. It is, frankly just HARD to keep it together when you work, have DCs and want to maintain high standards in terms of work, DCs care etc.

It sounds like just a particularly bad time and I'm sure you'll look back on it as one of the trickier times in your life .. And proud of yourself for getting through it. I was like you - I cried at night and was basically a non functioning zombie on weekends. But after a few years things got better. Yes, a few years!

I think gratitude and meditation helps but more time with other adults is important having fun! Also v imp to start thinking of plans and goals for future that you can work towards. When you're in a couple it's all about the 'we' plans that you'll do together. These get lost when you split up. It's so important to have hopes and goals they give us a reason to get up in the morning.

Wallaby, just wanted to add that you're a lovely writer and your post is so descriptive! Perhaps some diary writing or creative writing in your spare (hic) time!

Thanks for the replies, and william, thanks ever so for your kind words - you have a very valid point there about plans and goals, the "we" just evaporates and you're left sort of standing wobbling on one leg when there used to be 2. I don't mean this is a co-dependant way, just that you have been used to being a team in so many ways for so long and it's hard to find the balance within yourself again. Placeinthesun - yes, people will often compliment and say how well youa re doing, how well the kids seem, and i suppose it's about taking part of that on board. Yes in some ways you / we are doing well, if not just unintentionally putting on a great performance. Fake it til you make it sort of thing? We can't do the school run sobbing, so we just crack on, when inside you feel utter bobbins (a lovely phrase!) and you do think "can you not tell i am a total wreck here?"

I guess the overwhelming message here is that old cliche, time. I think as i get older i realise a lot of the cliches have truth in them. And william, thanks for your comments re my wirting, it wasn't intentional, it just fell out on the the page in that way! Antimatter - i will listen to that link today, see if it holds any pearls!