DH has depression feel like im living with a stranger and I'm angry

[piginpoo]

posting on here as dont know where to turn and I'm struggling.

DH has been diagnosed with severe depression after more or less having a breakdown. His Dr thinks he has been majorly depressed for a couple of years without acknowledging it. He had been living away from home for a month after telling me before Xmas that he no longer loved me. I had asked him to leave as the circumstances at home were difficult & it was during this time that he basically fell apart and was not eating or sleeping & drinking to try & drown everything out.

When I found out how bad things were I made him come back home so that I could look after him - basically making sure that he was eating & not being on his own. He is now on ADs and is in a better place than he was although he is still not working & has a long way to go.

I am on ADs myself - have been for a long time and although initially I was coping ok I am now finding things really hard and keep ending up in tears. DH is seeing a counsellor and has been talking to friends but since kids have been on school hols he is not really talking to me - i have no idea what is going on. He is spending his time watching films with them - letting them stay up far later than they should be & I am left to deal with the tiredness the next day. I am finding myself feeling constantly grumpy & snapping at the kids - feeling as though I am having to do everything and really just wanting to crawl into bed & not get up.

On a recent family meal out I burst into tears in the restaurant - i was acutely aware of all the happy couples and families around us and I just wanted to be with someone who loves me.

We have a big wedding anniversary this year but I cant get past what DH told me before Xmas - I know with depression it can make you feel like this but DH says he's not sure what came first and is just taking one day at a time. I feel I am now back in limbo and my mood is sinking and I am withdrawing into myself - not wanting to ask him what is going on for fear of what he might say. He has asked me not to post on here but I dont know where else to go - his family are texting him but are not in contact with me as i think they felt i was exaggerating his condition as whenever they've seen him hes been "fine".

Anyone been through something similar that can give me some support - thanks

You're in a really awful position-all of the responsibility, none of the support.

The kids: normal rules still apply, where parenting is concerned. Your DH's depression is not really relevant here. So unilateral decisions like letting them stay up late (knowing you take up the slack the next day-DH sleeps in, presumably?) are not on. Ditto lack of communication. You and he still have to talk to each other as parents.

Your relationship: he's dumped on you with the 'not sure how he feels' thing, and he's still dumping on you, by not talking to you.

His family, and asking you not to post on MN: this worries me. He's isolating you, I think. It keeps the status quo, which suits him, going. That is, you soldiering on keeping things together while your DH opts out.

Not much you can do, probably, except talk to him about it. Not in a 'how do you feel?' kind of way, but more a 'here's how things have to be' way. If he isn't even talking to you and won't co-parent with you, then honestly I think he should move out. He has to take some responsibility for coping if he does, and involve his family if he needs to.

You're unwell too, you need to look after yourself and secure some kind of functional family life for the DC.

Can I recommend some sources of real support for you here. The first is a book called "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield which is an amazing resource for the partners of those afflicted with depression. If you google, there is also an online forum support group for people going through the same as yourself.

I have been through something similar and understand how friends and family can believe you are exaggerating it. It is very frustrating.

How long has he been on ADs and how long in counselling?

I think you will find the Anne Sheffield book enlightening. For me it probably saved me from going mad!

thanks for the replies - i know im not right when i'm on here first thing needing support from complete strangers.

Denzel - dh has seen this - i dont think he realized that he was not helping out with kids - we'll see how things go but they are back at school next week anyway.

I knew this was going to be hard & that's why I tried to get support from his family - they have really made me angry - things are not easy anyway as DH's DM died last yr & this is probably contributing to DH's depression - but all i needed was a phone call just to show they're thnking of me. I have had no contact with them now for 6 weeks - its an issue for me & its becoming an issue between Dh & I. I guess it will be me that has to initiate the contact.

Minion - thanks for the recommendation - funnily enough I have that book - i was posting a lot on here after xmas (have name changed) & must have bought the book then - have dug it out to read.

i have had a look on the discussion forum -in particular the "not sure I love you" part and I realize i could be in for a long haul with no certainty of the outcome - not sure how i feel about this at the moment.

DH has been on ADs a couple of months - he has shown signs of improvement - he has just had to change counsellor (due to illness) so is having to start again with this.

I hope things went well for you Minion - will get stuck into that book when kids are at school next week

They didn't go well for me OP, but then his depression was extremely severe. Many people do come through it happy, healthy and well again and often a better person than they were to begin with.

Very few is written or understood about the impact this illness can have on loved ones. It's very difficult to cope with.

I can also recommend a book called "Living with Depression", "Undoing Depression", "Depressive illness, curse of the strong" and "The Depression Cure".

Each book brings something else to the table and the more you understand the easier it is to cope with.