not sure why i'm saying this but i need to get it out

[nappyaddict]

not sure i would say i am depressed but wasn't sure where else to post this. basically my best friend who i am totally in love with and with whom i had a thing with for about a month during the time i was pregnant (i'm not with the df) has been with someone else since march. he's been at uni and living in devon with his girlfriend over the summer so the last time i saw him was in april for an hour or two and when my son was born in june for about the same time. yesterday i met his girlfriend for the first time and have spent 2 days with them. although i am really happy for them both and i get on with his girlfriend very well and i had a lovely 2 days and really enjoyed myself i now feel really down.

Just didn't want this to go by without saying how sorry I am. I can imagine you feel down since you love him so much and it's unrequited. There's nothing worse. Also your hormones are probably all over the place too. You probably are just thinking about what could have been between the two of you. Don't dwell on it too much, you have a wonderful ds who needs you right now and I'm sure you would rather keep your best friend than lose that. Take care of yourself and please if needs be talk to a professional to help you if you don't feel any better soon.

yesterday i found myself sneaking peeks to see if they were being lovey dovey. admittedly they never were either to spare my feelings or perhaps they just aren't that type of couple. i'm very "feeley" and i always remember chris getting annoyed with me cos he said it ticked too much lol.
when we were seeing one another we both wanted to be together officially and not in secret but he felt it was too complicated with me being pregnant - it was too weird for him and also there were a lot of our friends against it. cos the babys dad is friends with some of his friends and they all hate me for that and mine cos my best friend steph used to be totally in love with him too and although i feel so guilty about this the time i realised my feelings overlapped the times when she felt that way too and i did let something become of them. however she has been over him for about 6 months and my friends haven't had a problem with me spilling my feelings all over the place. this has made things slightly better for me as i'm not bottling things up so much although i do still pick and choose carefully which ones i moan too. ironically steph is always the bestl istner and the one who always wanted me to tell her how i felt even before she totally over him. i think most of them have finally realised how much i love him and although i shouldn't have done what i did to steph they can sort of understand a little bit more.
he has admitted that back then he used me which does upset me but we r so so so close now. i'm sure he did tell me why he did it but for some reason i don't remember.
silly pathetic me still has hopes for when and if him and his gf split up (on his terms though - wouldnt want her to dump him cos it would kill him) i feel bad cos i know i have distnaced myself to try and get over him and he has picked up on it and i think he is a bit hurt i dont tell him so much anymore. it has worked but i still have moments where i find myself in tears over all of this. i went to bed at his last night and cried into my pillow cos i'd been holding it in all day. its a win lose situation. i really enjoyed spending time with him and it wasn't too bad but every so often (like every half an hour lol) i got a pang in my heart that wished it was me