I don't know where to go or what to do from here. Can anyone offer advice please?

[Jangled]

I've name changed. I really don't know how to move forward from this. I actually don't know if I want to move forward.

I'm married with 4 dc. Dh has a life limiting illness but copes admirably, not allowing it to hold him back. Until he was forced to retire on grounds of ill health he had a responsible well paid job. Since retiring, he has done a law degree and is now doing a further degree. He's incredible and formidable and lots of other "ible's"!

Eldest dc is 20 and at uni. Next dc is 19 and at uni. Next dc is 16 and doing gcse's, youngest dc is 9. Me - Im utterly and totally useless. I can't do anything. I have no talent, no drive, no ambition, no energy - nothing. I'm physically, mentally and morally ugly. I'm not clever or practical. I love dh and dc very much, and I know dh loves me. The eldest two don't need me any more, they're both well rounded, lovely and intelligent people with huge potential but this is all own to dh's influence, not mine.

After dc3 was born 16yrs ago he had the worst colic - for eight months I didn't sleep for more than 3 hours in 24, and those 3 hours weren't consecutive. I got pnd and the form it took was that I wanted the world to be just me and the baby. I tuned everyone else out and lived for this poor baby who suffered. I was put on medication, can't remember what now, but over the years and after various consultations, I'm now on 150mg of venlafaxine, and likely to be so for good. When I started on it, it was quite a new drug and it was felt it would be a good one for me because it had elements of adrenalin to combat my lethargy and tiredness.

So now dc3 is 16 and, I hate to say this, but I don't like him very much. It kills me that this was the child I nurtured to the exclusion of the two others, and now it seems he hates me. He's not a bad child but his personality is basically not very nice. I won't go into it too much because I'm only scene setting and, to be fair, he's 16 - he may grow out of it. Lastly, dc4 is 9 and is the sweetest natured child you could hope for. BUT - he's lazy, hates school, won't eat anything that's any good for him, would spend his life on a screen, has slight memory retrieval problems which makes school work difficult. So whereas he's a lovely lovely boy, I feel guilty that he has a lot of issues to deal with.

In the past when dh has been ill and spent time in hospital I used to cope brilliantly when the crisis was on, but when everything was back ok again, I would go into myself - stop seeing friends, go to bed for a few days etc but gradually pull myself round. Just recently, I find myself staying in bed more and more. There doesn't seem any point getting up. I hate myself for being like this but can't stop it.

I have a lovely life on the surface - nice house, loving dh, healthy dc, good friends (who would be astounded to hear any of this) - but I can't see past the irrelevance that is me. Dh hates it when I'm like this - he worries. We had a big talk earlier when he said that living with me is a lonely life. He also said he loves me no matter what but he feels as if he, and the dc, are a responsibility and a burden I no longer want. I didn't say anything but it was a bit of a lightbulb moment - he's right. I dont want people to love me and depend on me, I'm no good, I'm not good at relationships, despite the fact I love them desperately. What can I do? Im already on a high dose of AD's. Please help me get over this. I don't actively want to harm myself, but if I didn't wake up tomorrow I wouldn't mind. :(. I know that's an awful thing to say.

Sorry for the 'me me me' essay.

You sound significantly depressed despite your ad's. Ad's can stop working and then you have to try something else, it's happened to me more than once. Please go back to your doctor and ask that they also arrange talk therapy for you. What you're feeling is not reality. With the right help and support things can get better.

How are you getting your ADs? You should see the prescribing dr and explain things have changed, ideally resulting in seeing a psychiatrist with further expertise in medication and other therapies. Your issues seem quite in-depth and appear to need more than tablets, especially if they have been going on for a while.

You say you wouldn't mind not waking up tomorrow but the sentence before asks for help...so there is still a spark of self-preservation in you, which - if you act on it - means you can get the help you need. I think writing this post means you are ready for trying to address this. When one feels like you do it can be tremendously difficult to do anything about so you must use this as an impetus to make an appointment & get started.

You will be able to enjoy the good parts of your life again & cope better with the not-so-nice bits. You are clearly a strong person to have got through so far; paradoxically the strongest ones can get most damaged, as they take much more before they finally fold.

Thank you both so so much for responding. The GP prescribes the AD's on a three monthly basis. I'm meant to be reviewed every six months but its very lax.

Since I wrote my post I've been thinking. Dh had suggested many times going to see the GP and I've always resisted - don't want the stigma of being unable to cope.

But he took dc4 to the park today (when I was in bed) and bumped into a friend of mine. He told her where I was and that he thought I was depressed. He told me he was about to go into more depth but held back because she has a lot of problems of her own. When he told me that I felt really ashamed that dh is so worried he nearly unloaded on a friend of mine he barely knows. I feel unworthy of his concern, and unworthy of this very nice life of mine. It should belong to someone else more deserving.

So that, together with what you have both written, has decided me to contact the GP tomorrow.

Good, let us know how it goes. I agree with idlevice, you should ideally see a psychiatrist.

Ok, so the million dollar question: did you get the appointment?!

It sounds as though your husband is very difficult to live up to. Do you find that a problem?

Regarding your 16 year old son, do you think he's not very likeable now because he was over indulged in the past? What is his relationship like with his father? How does he get along with his brothers?

Please don't think you're older children don't need you. They really really do even if it's just in the background of their lives.

Thanks for asking - yes, got an appointment for 1 May which is a bit of a wait but is with the GP I like the best.

Imperial, thank you for your post. I find everyone hard to live up to :(. Sometimes I read posts on here, or hear stuff on the news, or think about things my family/friends have suffered through, and I just feel so inadequate and unworthy.

Ds2 was only really indulged as a colicky baby. Once he came through that, and once I was able to respond to the others normally again, proper service was resumed! However, he resented the arrival of ds3 and they have never got on. He's kind of the odd one out of the four of them really, which makes me a bit sad. He and dh have a good relationship though -dh 'gets' him much more than I do, and has often said that he (ds3) is the most similar to how he (dh) was as a child.

I know the older ones need me there really, I suppose it's just a selfish feeling on my part that they now spend so much of their time away from home (which I truly want them to do as it's important) that I'm unnecessary.

I don't know where to begin telling GP all this in the ten mins you are allotted. I find it very hard to verbalise all my feelings because I think people will assume I'm just saying these things for them to refute - sort of a fishing for compliments thing?

Good on you for getting that appointment! You could take your first post to the appointment as it is very well-expressed. Don't diminish what you have said in that post. You have some time to figure out what to say but I would recommend having something written down or a list of points at the very least as a back-up. If the dr is good then they will approach it in a sensitive way & know the right questions to ask.