Will ADs help me?

[CoffeeCakeAndCream]

I want to keep the circumstances vague, but I've been severely depressed since being involved in a fatal accident. It's without doubt the most harrowing experience of my life. I have been assured by all parties that I was not to blame, but I feel a huge sense of responsibility for what happened and I am absolutely wracked with guilt and trauma, now four months on, it's all I think about. It's affected my marriage, my children's lives and pretty much everyone around me. I have got as far as writing my own suicide note and standing on tall buildings looking down, although somewhere deep down I know I couldn't go through with it.

Post-trauma counselling did nothing and am now in hospital indefinitely and on medication(sertraline), which I started a few days ago. Not feeling any different yet, just headachey.

I know my situation is unique but I'd be really keen to know if anyone had been on this medication or similar and has found it has helped to alleviate obsessive thoughts of guilt and shame and lessen symptoms of trauma? I've never been depressed before and I'm shocked by the strength and apparent permanence of my feelings.

I have a wonderful life before this and, though I don't feel I deserve to be happy again, I need to know that I can find a way through. It's been four months though, and my feelings are as raw as when this first happened

(((HUGS))) A terrible thing happened to you and it's only natural that it will affect your life. I'm sorry to hear that post trauma counselling didn't help you because it seems to me that counselling is the way to go here. Since you're in hospital, are they organising any counselling for you? Please give it another go, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) if at all possible. You need help to change your thoughts about all of this. The sertraline can help you think more clearly, and then the therapy will be beneficial. I've been on sertraline, for depression but not brought on by trauma, and it made a huge difference in conjunction with therapy.

Thank you and it is good to hear that sertraline helped you. I am on quite a low dose so far.

I will have some group therapy while in hospital but I am confused about this, and I doubt very much I'll see anyone in my position or similar. I think there's a big difference between being 'chemically' depressed (as in, some sort of imbalance) and the trauma that I'm going through, though I suppose there may be some similarities. Not really sure which is worse TBH - please excuse my ignorance around the subject.

I tried CBT, but I didn't like it, as I feel like my feelings are all real and grounded in absolute fact (though everyone seems to disagree entirely) - and I know the idea of CBT is to challenge that, but it somehow feels like a cop out to me when something this awful has happened. I just want to calm down a little bit so I can think more clearly on my own terms, if that makes sense. Probably not!

Mood and brain chemicals influence each other, so don't discount the possibility that the meds can help, at least a bit. The main problem seems to be that you cannot believe everybody else when they tell you this was not your fault. Do you know why it's so difficult for you?

[ thanks] Coffee, it sounds like you are having a terrible time. It sounds like whatever happened, you need to forgive yourself. This has maybe been a theme in counselling so far but you may find the forgiveness project a useful resource too.

As other posters have advised, I wouldn't give up on the counselling, maybe the AD's will lift you enough for it to be more effective. Good luck.

I'm taking sertraline, and it helps me loads.
Bear in mind that everyone is different (citalopram made me feel crazily tired and suicidal). I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder that I could not control.
It took me years to ask for help because I was ashamed and thought myself a coward.
There is help out there, such as Mind charity along with 'living life to the full' website which I can proudly say that my previous doc created.
When i'm esp anxious I imagine that there's no help available, but there is.
It's bloody hard, but hang in there
x

You need to give yourself time. Four months is no time at all to get over something deeply traumatic or at least learn to move on from it.
You are right that not everyone is depressed as a result of something catastrophic happening, but in a way it doesnt matter - when you hit rock bottom it doesnt make it any better or worse knowing how you got there, you've still got to find your way up again. And many of us on this mental health section of the forum are either feeling desperate or have been there and want to help others recover. So we're all the same in that sense.
Talking therapy and ADs will work, but maybe it was too soon when you did CBT. When someone suffers a close bereavement (i dont know whether you did or didnt and I'm not asking) you dont expect them to get a bit of counseling and be suddenly ok after only 4 months? People go through all sorts of guilt/blame/despair wishing they had or hadnt said certain things and it takes time to learn how to live with that and be happy again. But you will.

Thank you for all your responses

I strongly believe I'm at fault for this death as... again, without giving too much away, I knew the person - someone close to me - was at risk of something like this happening, but didnt intervene sooner. And they died. I still can't fathom why I didn't act earlier. I just have no explanation for it, other than my own life got in the way. Which is despicable.

I am functioning well enough at times - even in hospital some of the patients seem to mistake me for staff! But I am probably falling to pieces more than most of them!

I don't know how someone lives with someone's death on their conscience (it wasn't suicide), but that is what I have to work through now. It feels like the worst thing in the world.

Perhaps you should look for specialist bereavement counseling. But expect that working through your emotions will not happen overnight. It will be a long process. You are not the first to blame yourself for someones death or feel you could have done more. I suspect it's actually fairly common. And people find ways of coping with all manner of horrific experiences.

You are a good person- the fact that you feel this way is proof of that. I worked in criminal courts for years and believe me some people are DIRECTLY responsible for doing awful things to others i.e. they caused it! And do they feel guilt? No, it's always someone else's fault.

When you feel ready in the future maybe you could try volunteering to help others in similar situations. That might bring you some peace.

We can never be responsible for the choices that other people make, however close we may be to them. It's difficult to intervene... you don't want the other person to feel that you think he/she is incompetent, and adopting a wait-and-see approach is very much human nature. You have a family, children who are dependent on you, and maybe prior issues of your own to deal with. Life is busy and it is often simply not possible take time out to try and sort out someone else. Please persist with therapy and immerse yourself in the love of your family. It will take time but you can get through this.