Shy - and passing it on to my dd - help!

[footprint]

I'm feeling so awful the past couple of days. I hate where we are living - tiny village (300 people) in the middle of the Alps and find it really hard to fit in here. I thought I was doing my best. I am a naturally shy person, and it doesn't come easily to me to make friends, especially in a different language. We've lived here two years now and I am so lonely.

The mothers next door and over the road are long time friends and one always looks after the other's little girl - same age as my dd. I thought I was doing ok with the chatting and socialising thing, have looked after their kids on some occasions. Was a bit hurt when my dd wasn't invited to birthday party, back in March.

Then yesterday my dd was playing with the other girl her age, and having a lovely time, when the other girl's mother told her daughter to go and play with our next door neighbour. Next door's little girl came out, took dd's friend's hand led her into the house. My dd followed and the SHUT THE DOOR IN HER FACE!!! She was so upset!

Anyway, today again we bumped into all the other children playing together and once again my dd wasn't invited.

I feel as though it is my fault - have I not been friendly enough, or is it because I can't chat very well with them and they feel awkward?

I had a very lonely childhood as an only child and I wanted to have a big family and a house full of my children's friends. But it looks like my dd may end up an only as well AND I'm passing on my social ineptness to her.

Sorry this is long and a rant, but all I want to do right now is pack my bags and get on the next train out of here. Am already applying for jobs in the city, but that will mean time apart from my dh who is a teacher.

If you have managed to read this far, do you think I am being over-sensitive or should I try harder or give up??? It is so hard to live without friends, and mumsnet is a godsend!

could you invite the two other girls for dinner (a lot) bribe them with cakes and choclate and other lovely things until.. there may be a bit of jealousy between the other girls if one is playing with your dd..

Can imagine how you feel actually.

Thanks Mascara,
I have tried inviting them over, but they have only come once. I think the mother feels insecure because I don't speak Swiss-German and one of the girls has bad diabetes so is rarely away from her mother.
I could try again though, you are right.

Hey, don't worry. By the sounds of your thread you don't sound the type of person who I'd avoid!! People can be fickle. You are not being over-sensitive. You're just a bit unfortunate living next door to the people you have! The situation you described yesterday sounds pretty normal to me. One minute they're your friends, you help out looking after their kids and the next one of the Mums takes her kiddie away and sends her nextdoor. So what?!!! Don't worry about it. If I were you just carry on as normal. Don't let it bother you. Don't pack your bags. Keep going. How old is your DD? Don't think you're passing on your experiences of a lonely childhood on to her. She'll make up her own mind as to what she wants to do! As far as the lack of a birthday invite back in March - that's no big deal either - don't take it personally. It may be they were up to their maximum numbers or, sometimes, kids can be fickle too and the child didn't want your daughter invited! My kids don't always get invites, even from their best friends, so DON'T WORRY....!!!!! xx

Ahhhh footprint. I'm really sorry you feel this way. How upsetting for you and your dd.

I worry about friends quite often too. I seem to have managed to alienate some people I was really close to over the years. I'd like to have more close friends but I'm not very good at it. I also worry about passing it on to my dd because my mum was the same.

It's easy to feel rejected which makes things all the harder and I totally understand the feeling you have of wanting to leave and start afresh.

These others probably have no idea how you feel though. They're most likely careless rather than mean.

Could you have some sort of small gathering and invite the other girls and their mums? Perhaps you could lay on a treasure hunt or something. I could just be a school holidays party.

A gathering would bring people together and break the ice. You could offer the grown ups wine or spritzers to break the ice.

How about you get your DD to draw a couple of cards - saying how much she likes having the other children as her friends - make them really girlie with stickers, glitter etc - to get something through the door is quite exciting for a child and it may help bridge the gap a bit and may also make the mums realise how nice it is to have such a lovely little girl living so nearby. xx

I really feel for you. I think this is something some girls and women go for - you get it at the school gates with some mums being included and others not. We live in a village too, and although being in the UK makes things easier, the atmosphere outside our tiny school can be so awful if you happen to be 'out' that week. It's so divisive and unfair on the children, and then the girls learn to copy by excluding other girls.

Having said that, in your case it could be that the language barrier has caused a misunderstanding. I think spidremama's and Barney2's ideas are great and it is worth persevering with. It might just be that they find trying to converse awkward.

Thanks so much for the replies, they really did make me feel a lot better. Have only just managed to get back to the computer. Woke up this morning feeling a lot better about things.

It's a really good idea to invite them over, and to get dd to draw pictures for them - never thought of that, that's great!

Part of my upset was that one of the other is pregnant again, and I really want to be...hormones, huh!

Thanks again for understanding, it is really a big help.

That's ok. Keep in touch....I've not been using MN for very long and it has been a bit of a lifeline for me and I think it'd be a good idea that you keep in touch too. Its a brilliant site and so extremely helpful and its lovely to know there's people out there that are wanting to help and give their advice and share their ideas. As for a another baby and hormones....mmmmm I've been there too...but thankfully after I had my second all ideas of having a third went completely out the window. Phew!!! xxx

i have so been there!i just recently left switzerland.am living in london now. i was in switzerland many years so i can 100% related to you. i only joined this group today. i didnt know about this website before. i found out about it from the expat moms in switzerland yahoo group.are you part of that? if you ever want to chat please email me at: [email protected]

take care, denise