Stress + exhaustion + depression = terrible mum?

[princesspeach84]

Over the last few months, we've gone through so much change as a family, including a huge house move from another country a month ago. I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old and my husband is away at the moment, although he will be rejoining us soon.

I think the house move, and the fact that I was sad to leave, has made me depressed. I used to be depressed when I was younger, but I managed to get through it, and things were a lot better, I would just have a few negative niggles now and then.

I'm used to my husband being around, and I feel like I'm useless because I can't cope. Having to get up with the children and put them to bed every night on my own is really hard, but I'm angry at myself and feel pathetic for saying that because single mums do a lot more than this 24/7!

I feel run down and constantly ill. I get stomach pains all the time and nausea. I get faint spells where I lose feeling in my hands and feet and have to lie down.

My 3 year old has become a fussy eater, she has gradually over the last year decreased the variety of food that she will eat and meal times are a battle. She won't try anything, so I end up having to resort back to what I know she'll eat and I'm beating myself up about it, telling myself I'm a useless mum. I'm also having problems with my 8 month old, who will still only eat pureed food. I just feel at my wits end with them both. Also my 3 year old is stopping herself from pooing, despite going through a period when she would do it on the toilet straight away as soon as she needed to. Tonight she's at the point where she's obviously desperate to go because she's leaking poo when she pees (sorry tmi!) and I got so annoyed with her. Tonight I just snapped at her.

Everything is just piling on top of me. I'm disorganised, forgetful, impatient, I just can't go on like this. I'm losing my temper with my daughter all the time and I HATE doing that. I can see she gets scared of me shouting at her and I feel like the worst mum in the world. I feel terrible for all the change we've put her through over the past few months, so I know that all the playing up and what I feel like is the late onset of the terrible twos is probably due to all the change and the stress she's probably feeling from me. I'm so scared that she doesn't like me and will grow up with issues.

I just needed to vent. Even if I don't get a reply, I've got things off my chest. Maybe I'll be able to see things a bit better. But a reply would be nice! Maybe some advice too cos I feel totally lost right now

(((HUGS))) You sound overwhelmed and it's understandable too. Moving is a big stressor, having young kids is very stressful and your husband not being around when you're used to that support just makes things worse. You are not a terrible mum. Truly terrible parents don't care about the effect things have on their kids, they believe that whatever way they behave is completely justified and the kids must just deal with it.

You certainly have symptoms of depression. Can you see your gp and talk about it? Asking for help when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness. Do you have any family or friends nearby who can sometimes watch your kids so that you can get some time to yourself?

Thankyou, your reply brought me to tears (in a good way!).

Whenever I spoke to my gp about the depression before, they always suggested antidepressants, and I don't want to go down that route just yet. I'm hoping that it's just all the stress at the moment that is getting on top of me that's causing me to feel this bad, and that maybe once things have settled down a bit then it'll get better?

We've actually moved back to our home town, so back to family and friends, but whereas I used to rely on my mum to look after my daughter 3 days a week (who was no older than 18 months), now I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old, and I can't rely on her in the same way. She looked after them both when I had an open day to go to, and all I had afterwards was how difficult it is for someone her age to look after young children, how she's not in her twenties anymore, etc etc. Which made me feel so guilty, and makes me feel like I can't ask for her help in watching them for me.

Although I think I'm getting to the point where I desperately need a break. I've even scared myself tonight by having thoughts about needing to get away from everything for a while. Which I know are totally silly and I'll never follow through with them, but the fact that those kind of thoughts are entering my head tells me that this depression/stress/exhaustion is reaching a point where I can't keep on like this.

Also my husband is rubbish at communicating. I love him, he's my best friend, but at times he's so selfish and unsympathetic towards me, and I don't even feel like I can talk to him about this, and if I can't talk to him, I can't talk to anyone.

SIGH. I'm sorry I sound so depressing!

I suggest you see your gp anyway for a full physical checkup as you could e.g. have thyroid problems causing some of your issues.

Don't be too afraid of ad's. Most people who need them can take them for 6 months and then go off them again. I've been on various ad's for 12 years but I'm a tough case (in my psychiatrist's words) and without them I'm an emotional, aggressive, irritable mess.

Do your friends have children? See if you can set up a "child swop" scheme, where you sometimes look after their's and they sometimes look after your's.

Princess - I have been where you are and I agree with LastingLions that it's worth going and talking to your GP. It took me over 3 years to summon up the strength to try anti-depressants and I wish I had done it sooner.

After about 2 weeks on ADs I suddenly looked around and realised that life really was tough and that I wasn't to blame for finding it hard and that I had obviously been feeling crappy and overwhelmed for a long long time.