In a total mess and downward spiral

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

Namechanged as I don't want to be identified.

Every day is getting harder than the last. I feel like I'm shutting down as a result of the depression and to make it worse anxiety is starting to creep up on me. I function in work and when dealing with school runs but then as soon as I'm safe at home it's like I go into hibernation mode.

It's no life for dc. Such a crap mother. Why should a three year old have to put up with mummy like me?

I don't want to be like this but I can't get out.

Have you seen your GP? Are you on anti-depressants?

I'm afraid to go back to my GP. I was on anti depressants for a few months last year after a parent died and I got really bad but I stopped taking them because they were disrupting my sleep and I did feel better. Idiotic of me I know. But know I'm worried about going back incase the GP is annoyed at me for stopping them in the first place.

Talking about how I feel was scary enough in the first place. The GP can't have a go at me for stopping them can they? I dont' need to be told it was in idiotic thing to do, I already know that.

No, they won't have a go at you. Lots of people stop and start - and if it was disrupting your sleep then that's a fair enough reason. It'll just be trial and error - finding something that works for you. But there will be something out there that does work, and you don't have to feel this bad. You really don't. Please call the GPs in the morning and make an appointment.

And I'm sorry for your loss - I've been there, and I know that it's still very early days for you.

Not idiotic at all. It does sound like you would benefit from something. Gp absolutely will not tell you off. What did you take before? There are lots of ad's all very similar but may work different in different people. Tell gp the last one affected your sleep. They may offer an alternative. Also it can take a while for side effects to subside.

Oh thank you for being so kind. I'm so afraid to talk to people about this.

I was prescribed sertraline but I was waking multiple times each night with hot flushes and sweating which I hadn't had before, or since I stopped taking it.

I'm so tired all the time. I'm grumpy towards my dc when I should be able to deal with them without shouting and crying. I can't do anything I want to do - literally no energy and then not doing it makes me feel worse as I feel such a failure.

And the anxiety... oh god I'm so terrified of something happening to dc. I missed a phone call from dh while I was in work and in the 5 minutes I had to wait before I could call him back I had imagined all sorts of scenarios that could have happened and was convinced dh was going to tell me dc was dead. That's really not normal is it?

No it isnt normal but it is treatable. I suffer from anxiety and it can be crippling. I have a dishwasher bit can't use it as I get in a pickle about loading it and end up shaking wreck. Its daft because I had it to pieces when it sprung a leak in the inner seal and you had to dismantle the whole thing to get the door off. yet I c a nt load it! Its totally irrational. I take citalopram which is similar to sertraline . I had simolar some effects to start with but they went after a few weeks.

No, that's not normal. But don't underestimate how hard parenting can be - there's no "I should be able to cope" about it. It can be bloody difficult even if you're not depressed - throw depression into the mix and no wonder you're struggling.

Make that phone-call to the GP tomorrow. Get that ball rolling.